Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, “I just don’t care.”?

THE LIST for 2015 is FINALLY complete & I’m excited to start checking off all the fun things on it before 2015 is over. Last year I managed to check of 45 of the 99 things listed. This year will be even more.

Thankfully last night, I was able to make a dream come true & strike off one thing from the list as done!

I finally sprang for a class in Aerial Silks!

(cue the Glitter in the Air song)

1383935_10205859839437514_7031825532042296764_n

I will be honest, when I walked into the class my plan was to get some pictures & write a blog post about my introduction to aerial silks. Had a friend who signed up too & thought how easy to just snap a couple of action shots? Would have been had I not entranced from the moment one of the students hung up the contraption to the huge hook in the ceiling. The braided fabric beautifully falling the height of the room and puddling its excess on the floor.  I may have internally squealed as the teacher tested the stretch & give of the sash.
We warmed up and she went over a few basic stretching & things to know like terminology and facts like how much weight the humongous single piece of fabric could hold (note: no fears here. All 7 of us could have climbed on & it still wouldn’t have been strained from the weight!).

It was scary for sure, trusting that the fabric wrapped in a particular way would hold us from falling on the wooden floors. Not being the first to go was a practice in patience and helped to make it a bit easier to feel confident in the wrap. Once I did get my chance, it felt amazing! Although we might have looked graceful and at ease in the poses, they were challenging to get into. The tension in my muscles battled with the desire to stay swinging. The stress seemed to fall from my body as I inverted and let go of the fear of falling.

The names of the poses also thrilled me.  Mermaid.  Angel.  Star. Flamingo.  Peter pan. All great things in my eyes.  I left imagining signing up for as many classes as possible to fit in.

Today it all definitely crashed back down to ground. Seems there was some mix up from when I signed up. The studio offered a discount rate of $5 off when you signed up early. So in December I made the decision to go on and treat myself while I had the cash. Logged in to their website, found the class, entered my information & excitedly told friends about it in hopes they would sign up as well. Which worked.

I thought anyway. Tonight I get a voice mail with a snippy message saying that while they hoped I enjoyed the class, they wondered why I was there last night since they didn’t have me enrolled. Huh? It went on to elaborate how people had to enroll to go to any of the classes… blah blah blah. The point was very clear.

I called back as requested. Thankfully I had saved the email showing when & how I had paid. Unfortunately I also noticed I had been charged the full rate. The person on the phone went into some tirade about how I shouldn’t have been there taking up space last night since I wasn’t enrolled. Only after I mentioned the emailed receipt did she seem to realize I didn’t just show up & get a free class.  She could see their records showing that I had paid in December.  Are they used to people just randomly paying you without any expectations? Turns out their system will take the payment yet you still need to enroll separately.  She tried to explain how I had messed up.

No apologies. No refunds. No going back.

Certainly I had messed up.  In spending the cash to try something new and expecting their system to work.

Mercury is in retrograde and it feels like it for sure. Communication breakdowns left and right. I’m hanging on & trying to see the positives but at times I just want to scream. Tonight I am trusting that the wraps will hold tight and that tomorrow will be easier. At least I got to enjoy dangling for a little while.

As for getting back into the air? Thankfully the teacher runs her own company and holds classes in several locations around town.  Now I just have to make sure that next time, no one considers me as the tag-a-log extra freeloading. I may not have much cash at the moment, but I draw the line at stealing. Oh life. Why do you test us all so much?

Thankfully day 5 is in the books. Only 95 more days of working out & writing left to go. Then the real magic – Disney! For now, I will just strive to catch a few dreams in my sleep & hope that the morning light brings a new outlook. Until then…

dreams_quote_4

Advertisements

101 Days til Bliss

Life is just bizarre at times. This past week has been a whirlwind of emotions as a family member passed away. At 97 no one can say they didn’t see it coming but the drama of it all still takes it’s toll.

In a lot of ways, the whole process was healing to me. Being able to be there as he let go was something a few years ago would have terrified me. Now I just realized that the process had started & accepted it for what it was. The death rattle didn’t scare me, just made me wish there was something I could do to prevent the pain & confusion. Thankfully although all I could do is talk with him & hold his hand, hospice was there to assist with the pain & anxiety. Not sure how people pass without them & their gifts but again I am grateful for all they do & amazed that people do this daily yet stay so positive and caring.

The good-bye itself carried a lot of emotion. I believe that you never turn your back on family & that blood binds, but at times that is tested for sure. He & I didn’t agree on a lot of things, but he cared for my father when he was young & tried to be there for us all. Listening to so many rave about him at his funeral almost made me forget the bad times. I am thankful that there are so many who do remember him fondly & that I could hear the good things he did in his life. His time on earth truly has impacted many people in a lot of ways which is an achievement for sure. He fought hard to make it to 100, but in the end it was time for him to go on.

Now it is time for us to move on. Getting hugs at the end of the days from my nephew and seeing his smile reminded me that there is hope for a better tomorrow. Just have to make it so.

Which got me thinking- why abandon this blog? Because it reminds me of the tough times? Nah. Those are the times that made me strong enough to be who I am today. Scars and all.

So time to revamp & renew. Change this into something that once again makes me feel at peace with life. Happy to be me. Thus the new look.

Hopefully the changes will be good ones. Time will tell.  All we can do is the best we can & find something to always look forward to. See the glimmer of hope.

For me today that spark is knowing that in 101 days I will be in Disney World with the cutest kid I know as one of the happiest aunts alive.

That and that there is always a snuggle waiting patiently by my side.

Pugs lives are just hard sometimes.

Pugs lives are just hard sometimes.

 

 

 

2015 Goals for Me

The past few years I have seen a lot of people who choose a word to embody their focus on the year ahead. I always wondered how they could pick just one word for 365 days and all the adventures in each of those 24 hours. The past couple of days I have been thinking about what I wanted to achieve in 2015. No real resolutions just goals to aim at. All this pensive planning has made one word in particular stand out.

EnjoyOriginal

My motivation behind all of the goals has been to enjoy life more. Sometimes the actions to get there aren’t the most fun choice, but in the end they will lead me to a place I can enjoy more.

Less stress. Less worry. Less letting myself go physically.

Time to enjoy the journey instead of constantly focusing on what is ahead and what I have left behind. Savor the seconds.

Some of my goals for the coming year are obvious to me – pass the certification exams to officially become a Certified Paralegal, keep lowering my A1c readings, lower my weight to my goal weight/size, get a job…

Others are more arbitrary – complete five 5Ks, read 50 books, try new things each week, attend at least one Panthers game (I was lucky enough to make it to TWO this year with great seats at both! Felt a bit spoiled!), finally clean out all the clothes that no longer fit or that I like.

What it all boils down to is becoming as healthy and as sustainable as I can be in order to enjoy my life.

Also would love to see my favorite team win the Super Bowl this year, but guessing I should stick with actions I actually have some control over. (BUT they are back to back division champions and have a real shot at Super Bowl rings this year! GO PANTHERS!)

it's_all_about_you_type_3

2014 has turned to 2015

2014-new-wallpaper

2014 has floated away from us.

In some ways this year has flown by me and in others, I know it has been a slow struggle. The most important thing is I ended it on a much better note than I started it on. A year ago I couldn’t have imagined the road ahead.

I am finished with the associates degree and have started looking for paralegal & legal assistant jobs. Honestly I was going to wait til after the 1st to start sending out resumes, but I saw a post for a position that sounded ideal so I applied. The following day I had an interview lined up & will have a decision soon. Wild! Talk about confidence boost! Even if I don’t get this position (don’t get me wrong, I would absolutely LOVE it!), it felt really great to get a response to the first resume sent out. To actually get to sit for an interview was huge to me. The interview felt comfortable and easy. My approach at this point is that what needs to happen will. If it is a good fit, then it will work. If not, there will always be new positions opening up that could be just what I want. Even if I end up in a situation that isn’t quite what I am hoping for, it will all give me experience & teach me something new. Win – win. Fingers crossed & head held high.

At the end of 2013, I found myself with someone moving in and thought it was going to be a long term thing. At the end of 2014, I found myself enjoying adventures with a guy who has been by my side through it all. I love him on so many levels which makes it all feel slightly surreal at times. I’ve thought of him as a friend for so long, sometimes it is hard to believe we are now a couple. No longer sharing stories of the dates, troubles or seeking advice or comfort when the latest goes bad. Now we work on us, which honestly hasn’t felt like work at all. There is a great comfort just living life without worrying about impressing someone or questioning their intentions. He knows me. The good, the bad, the history and yet his face lights up and he still smiles when we meet up. He gives me peace just being there. Who knows where the end of 2015 will lead, but the most important thing I have learned is to just enjoy the moments for what they are, make as many memories as you can while you can and lean on those you trust.

Physically 2014 was a doozy for sure. First few months, I didn’t know if I would even see 2015. The diagnoses that my blood sugars were a lot higher than they should be rocked my world. Scary as it was, I feel it saved my life. Now 50 lbs lighter (& still going!), I feel much healthier and like I want to be active. I crave the healthier foods and although I still slip now and then, I don’t beat myself up over it all.  Holidays were pure chaos, but I am happy to say I didn’t gain back a pound! Didn’t lose any & at times I was up, but at this point I start January at the same weight that I started November. That is a success in my book!

Have really gotten into working out for the feeling instead of the “need-to” & “have-to” motivation and it makes all the difference. At times I still have to push myself into it but once I am on a kick, I am in! Too much fun to be had. Long walks, climbing trees, playing on a playground, all fun!  I find myself just enjoying it all and doing what feels right. Have already signed up for a silks class & have my eyes on a couple of 5ks in 2015. Also I WON this! Which is great timing to give me a boost.

Simply put the lesson 2014 gave me was to just ENJOY LIFE in each moment. Don’t stress or count on the tomorrows, just savor the now. Forgive what has already happened and let it go or it will sink you deep to the bottom of the ocean. The real fun is drifting in the waves which come and go all too quickly.

So here’s to 2015, whatever it will bring.

10734049_10205584252588015_8759015228922160828_n

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

Be the Bison

The past couple of days have been a real bitch. In a lot of ways I just want to break down and cry and do the dramatic why me shit. But I won’t. Wouldn’t get me anywhere but where I am so why bother?

Sometimes you have to be the bison.

19248_1369139790902_3041402_n

Huh? a Bison? Yes. The all american bison. Or as some call them buffalo.

See the bison have this quirk that makes them pretty bad ass. I know they already look that way & with their size & natural weaponry they can do some real damage. Add in their herding number that back each other up & you have a real death wise messing with them. Still to watch them, they seem naturally to be calm creatures who just want to relax in the sun enjoying a good meal then stroll along to whatever is next in their life.  They enjoy being together and aren’t afraid to run full speed or stroll barely at a snail’s pace. Awesome enough right there, but then comes the quirk.  When the storms come and most animals hide away to make it through letting the storm pass, bison go into the storm. They face it & walk into it.  They know that the storm passes quicker when you are going in the opposite direction.

Smart beast.

Yes I have a major crush on bison. Just want to hang out with them & maybe snuggle a little.

Bison in snowstorm, Yellowstone NP

For me, the storm seems to keep being my health. Just when I feel like I have this whole blood sugar thing down & actually have learned to drink the unsweet tea (even without stevia most times!), something else comes along to knock me off my feet.

I have developed habit of walking that I am loving. This past week I joined a friend to walk just over 6 miles on Monday, then again another 6 miles Wednesday & had plans to walk at least 4 miles Thursday. All day Thursday I just felt off. Made it through my internship hours and even go in a little shopping where I found some new sneakers marked down to $25! Got home changed clothes to go walk & just didn’t feel right. One of the things that had been bothering me all day had been a soreness in my chest. Like I had pulled a muscle just under my breast. Not sure doing what but I just brushed it off as maybe I slept stretch out wrong or lifted something weird. I have learned to love sore muscles because it means they are working & hopefully getting better at what they are doing. This one just was painful. Deep breathing made it worse. I had no energy all day which made sense because I had barely slept and as much as I hate admitting this hardly eaten. Just didn’t feel like eating & had been busy. Had a cup of coffee & a big B vitamin to help keep me moving. So much so that I felt like I could feel my pulse. Couldn’t shake the off feeling, so I thought just take your blood pressure – see that it is completely normal then go work out. You will feel better.

Only it didn’t give me any comfort. I have been regularly taking readings since the physical in September when she said I was pre-hypertensive and needed to get the blood pressure down. Common with type 2 diabetics. I knew my numbers were high, but the past few months of healthy eating, working out & losing weight they had dropped down.  A typical reading for me is around 118/78. When I did the check Thursday, I got 187/110! Which is NOT GOOD & completely explained the feeling the pulse.

With anxiety attacks I get a burst of higher numbers & I know that is pretty normal, but I wasn’t anxious at all. If anything I was excited to be going out (was a beautiful warm day) but not THAT excited.  Seeing numbers higher than I had ever seen made me scared.

Since my heart rate didn’t need to be raised at all, I canceled my plans & the girls went on without me.

Then the stress hit. I emergency called my sister who used to do cardiac rehab to see if this was anything to worry about. She was actually working at her hospital at the time and walked me through several symptoms. Made me feel better than she wasn’t extremely concerned. Basically I had 2 options, run to the hospital now or see if relaxing a bit could get it down. The second option sounded a lot more affordable to me & since I didn’t have pain in my arm or even a sharp throbbing one in my chest or really any other symptom we went with door number 2. Which thankfully worked. I got the numbers dropping and started to calm down.

After about 2 hours, the readings were normal again but I was exhausted.

Luckily I hadn’t planned to work yesterday, so I was able to rest all day other than a quick trip in to see the doc. I needed the rest.

Now I am keeping a more regular log & tracking several times daily.  Fun, fun, fun.

Hopefully that was just a weird, one time fluke, but I am scared.  Especially of working out. Wednesday I had plans of registering for my next couple of 5ks & even to try to increase the pace & miles each week. Now I am just terrified that I am going to do something and make my blood vessel or heart explode! I know our bodies are adaptive and exercise is probably the best prescription for this. I just don’t trust myself. My body is once again my enemy.

As the song goes LET THE STORM RAGE ON…  I am a fighter. I’m scared but I am turning to face the storm. Like the bison I will WALK head first and hope that this works to get me through to better days.

I have come too far to stop & in a lot of ways I feel healthier than ever. Still don’t have much energy, but in time hopefully that too will come. I am going further than I have thought I would & the distance of the 5k which used to seem so huge, is now less than the normal walk. I’m proud of what I have achieved & am not ready to quit.

So into the storm I walk.

Giving my body a couple more rest days & going to pick up a heart rate monitor to better gauge how hard I am pushing myself just to be safe, but I am going to get back into adding up those miles. Maybe not the fastest, but I will be the bison!

Just 98 Workouts To Go – #WorkItOut100

b843ec333a5611152df7dd33783e6c1a

The last couple of weeks I have watched the Panthers games with friends of a friend.  Started simple enough. Watched with him one week got invited to his friends to watch the next. Then with another set last week. Each time I had a blast and ended up meeting some great people and enjoying some delicious food. While I did a mad dash on the way to snag a bag of chip and some sort of dip to take at the last minute. (Hint: Cheese balls are surprisingly a hit because… well when is the last time you had one? Great childhood memories get brought up with these it seems!) In an effort to make sure I had something lower carb & natural, I took some grapes last time but overall I felt a little like I was being a slacker in the pile of homemade goodness. Still when you get a last minute, hey let’s go watch here… you don’t have time to plan ahead. This week I tried to get proactive.

So back to running to get a quick bag of cheese balls or something at the store! Second thought cheese sticks might be extra fun & a lot healthier. Will think of something or who knows. May just skip it all and hang out at a bar with another set of friends entirely.

Made a batch of sausage cheese balls last night. They taste like shit. See I got smart and found some turkey sausage which is healthier and makes these an option for me since I don’t eat pork and haven’t since the mid-90s. Problem is turkey sausage is a rarity it seems. While there are a variety of choices for pork sausage, turkey you are lucky to even find. So I add spices to kick it up flavorwise. Usually. Last night I was tired and forgot. So when I taste tested one I found it to taste bland. Not what I want to take to hang out with people I barely know.

On to the next test. I will find something that I can take that is healthier and tastier than a bag of chips. Something I can actually eat. Chips just don’t do much for me & are typically horrible carbwise (thus not so great on my blood sugar levels). All part of learning to deal I guess. Just adapt and make it work.

Which also applies to working it. Just adapt & make it work.

Needed a boost to push me to get excited about it all again. Thankfully just a few clicks online & there it is!

56bb067ee190baa16559d220ac1454dd

The #WorkItOut100 Challenge!

The basic deal – work out 100 Days in a row. I need goals to reach for & some comisery, I mean others to inspire me towards that goal.  Amanda & Laura challenged themselves to work out 100 days straight & it worked so well they are motivating others to join them. Count me in!  I’m on day three today & looking forward to crossing in another block on my tally sheet. They provide inspiration and motivation all over – Twitter, Facebook, Instagram & even Pinterest, but you can learn all the details at their site, Work It Out 100. A workout can be anything that gets you up & moving so don’t feel like you have to run a half marathon each day. Just do what works for you & pushes you to grow and build the habits.

tumblr_n7sjg2XDfa1qzjqrio1_500

 

So are you in? All it takes is starting & keeping the commitment to yourself. Use the hashtag #WorkItOut100 to join in the fun. You know I will be.

But first today is GAME DAY!  Panthers are up in Green Bay.  They KEEP POUNDING & so shall I!  CHEERS!

Remember When…

I used to post?

_MG_9693

Lately life has just been moving too fast & honestly I don’t even know what to think much less what to share. In the past posting has been therapeutic and helped to relieve my worries. A release. I can openly share my struggle with watching Mom get sick and pass away. Share my grief & even my own mental fights with PTSD, depression and anxiety. I can openly talk about the eating disorder I dealt with in high school and how food and the weight became a comfy afterwards. Seeing the way pounds helped give Mom a little longer towards the end only validated that the extra I wore wasn’t the worst thing in life. Sure I might not be a model but health is more important than vanity.  For some reason talking about everything going on physically now, just is harder.

Then came the type 2 diagnosis. I cleaned up my diet and my body responded.

The push to drop pounds was simply to improve the numbers medically but the focus was on eating right and giving  my body the nutrition it needs. The weight loss was a side effect of that shift.

In some ways it felt great to value myself by eating healthy, fresh foods & I didn’t miss the convenience stuff I grew up (& gained it all) on.  I didn’t have a goal weight or look so this isn’t like before. I don’t avoid eating and nothing if off limits. Occasionally I eat foods I know aren’t ideal (yesterday was a pumpkin spice donut breakfast kind of day!) and I don’t feel guilt doing so. I do feel the effects afterwards and the calories I still keep in check so using them in “worthless” food means making up the difference during the rest of the day which can be challenging.

At the start I looked forward to making meals. Right now, I am less than enthusiastic. The quick, pick up stuff does seem to have a draw, but it doesn’t have the same flavor or feel right anymore. Working (although only a 20 hour internship) along with classes and juggling somewhat of a social life does make a time crunch & I’m worried what going back to a full time work week will do. Hopefully this is just a temporary hurdle. Something I can figure out how to get past. Still is it so much to ask that there be a few options outside my house that are quick and healthy? Don’t even mention salads, because iceberg is not food. Give me spinach or spring green… something with some flavor & color. Crunch is optional.

The upside: the numbers look a lot better last time I check with my doctor and ….drum roll because for me this is HUMONGOUS… I can actually test my blood when needed now without feeling faint. Well a majority of the time. Sure sometimes it still takes me 3 test strips to get what I need, but I am getting there. The girl who passed out so often at the doc’s office that she knew to position me on the bed with the feet up anytime she needed to use needles, draws her own blood.  (Go on laugh, but I am still damn proud of this!)

So all good right?

Sort of. Weird thing is that although I see the numbers change, I don’t see it. I know the scale keeps going down. The tape measure gets closer and closer on each body part & the clothes have had to be replaced. Still when I look in the mirror – same girl as always. I’m trying to see it but honestly it isn’t as drastic as some people are acting like it is. Felt slightly bad when my doc got so excited and celebratory of the weight loss and I just kind of thought whatever. Isn’t that big of a deal. Attitude is everything so fake it till you make it. It all feels bizarre. Hopefully my mind will catch up. Right now it just feels too survival mode still.

Spend a bit of time shopping which does feel better than it used to.  Clothes fit better. This part is both fun and dangerous. Plus I STILL need to purge the closet of the old stuff.

af3d183d33782e6c3182cf076b7af44f

yes, it bores me to death too.

SEE why I haven’t posted much? This is the stuff that consumes my mind lately. Not humor. Not men. Just wondering how to deal & if it is healthy or not. Dullsville.

Still there is football. For a few hours each week my mind shuts down and I focus on the field. Which feels amazing! (Even if there was a tie of all things! At least we didn’t have to resort to twisting ankles to get there.)

So hopefully soon I will have more to share. Miss writing, but then again I am still writing a lot – just more in the line of legal memos & research notes. Wish I could share some of the insanity that I see in the files I am working with, but… just can’t. Let’s just say that personal injury law is nothing like I imagined it to be. I have yet to see anyone who is looking for an easy paycheck. Everyone just wants to pay off their bills. Also I look at cars completely differently after reading so many accident reports! First couple of weeks I honestly was a tad scared to drive anywhere. Seems like the person who causes the accident usually gets off easier than the one(s) being hit! So while I trust my skills, I don’t anyone else’s! I really was disappointed when the public defender’s office canceled the internships this semester & it only helped that I wasn’t the only one to lose the placement (so don’t take it personal). Meeting the amazing staff & learning about personal injury law has been better than I could have imagined. I know my time is limited at the firm, but I’m not sure I could have asked for more of an internship! Also less scared that this isn’t where I should be. Doubt is gone.

HIGH FIVE

HIGH FIVE

OH!!!!  & did I mention I passed my exam to be a NOTARY!?!?

Passed with a HUNDRED! Time to pay the fee, send the ap, order the stamp & take the oath. Then it is official. Who would have thought it? Yes that does deserve the high five from the seriously fuking cute baby panda.

One step closer.

Long journey ahead, but I do have the cutest shoes!