Sandy Butts Everywhere

Busy day today wrapping up a few things in getting ready for my return to classes.  Still feels funny to say that & makes me slightly giddy!  I know I’m a bit of a geek & will be kicking myself for doing this later when I am struggling to study or complete homework, but for now I’m just happy!  The closer it gets to the first class the more I realize needs to be done.

  • classes paid for: check
  • parking pass: check
  • ID & libray card: check
  • books: check (& saved around $70 getting them online since the store is closed til Monday, even WITH shipping)
  • get new insurance: working on that one.  I HATE figuring out which medical insurance plan to go with.
  • all the other crap “needed” to attend school:  ……yeah…. working on getting all that stuff.  So much could be helpful, but thinking old school – pens, paper.. with a dash of new school – memory stick.  Who knows.

Already I am feeling like the nontraditional student.  The faces on campus today certainly looked younger than me.  Learned that you can now rent textbooks instead of buying them and they now make erasable highlighters!  Guess things have changed a little since I was carrying around the books.

Part of me just wants to start already but another side says cherish these free moments.  Soon I will be nose deep in books and working again on the side.  Make memories while I can and live each second.

Which is why I am spending as much time as possible with this view

is there anything better than can be done in life alone that makes you feel better than relaxing on the sand with the sound of waves rushing on to the shore?  Thankfully most of the time its still not crowded and the sound of the waves is all I hear other than the occasional engine of the lifeguard’s truck or today the sound of a couple of Ospreys passing by on route back to base.  (I think those guys intentionally take the coastal path to scope the beach & who could blame them!)

I honestly think without the ocean, I would be insane.  It has a therapeutic magic that is unlike anything else.  At least for me.

With today being the 10th I thought it fitting to give some love back to the beach.  To protect the piece of peace in my world.  Plus I’m inspired by someone who is locally doing great things!

Amazes me at how many cigarette butts are left behind.  Even when I did smoke, we never left the butts in the sand.  You picked it up & took it with you.  Obviously not everyone acts the same.

Thankfully there are people who are working hard to keep our beaches & ocean from being polluted with the trash left behind.  Read a tweet today that at Wrightsville Beach, It Starts With Me blogger picked up NINE butts in about a second!  Completely unacceptable.  Currently there is a push to ban smoking on our local beaches.  I understand that many would be upset by this, but when you aren’t respecting the beaches, I’m not sure you deserve to be smoking there.

Unfortunately this isn’t just a problem here.  People are trashing our beaches everywhere.  Check out a west coast view of the issue at The Daily Ocean blog.

Clearly if you see what they can do in just a few moments a day, you have to feel inspired to clean up after yourself when you visit!

There is only one type of butt that should be on our beach! – mine relaxing without seeing a piece of trash or smelling anything but salt water.

Hoping through the efforts she & her family are committed to, others gain a better understanding of the impact of such a seemingly small thing.   May her actions inspire others to join in the process.  I know it has me thinking more about what is in the sand.  Perhaps next time I go out, I will take my own bag to collect trash and those pesky cigarette butts.

Maybe even take it a step further and join the local chapter of Surfrider Foundation.  Certainly feeling like giving some love to the waters that make me feel so alive and ground me into feeling that in the middle of all that stresses me, I am there in that moment and I am as I should be.

Certain sounds just soothe.  My grandmothers giggles & yes she could get them often.  She would get tickled over the most random things and then everything would be silly.  It over took her and she would be helpless to the laughter.  Deep laughing to the point where the tears come to your eyes and you can barely speak.  Skip that days ab work out because you are going to be feeling them.  How anyone could possibly not join it was beyond me.  You wouldn’t have a clue what started it, but it felt right to join in.

The ocean is similar.  It mellows.  Takes me to a place inside that still believes in happy endings, love and connections stronger than death.  Comforts me in a way that feel esoteric.   Heavenly.  As if you have found the place where you venture into the outskirts of the after.  You feel peace and forget worries since only your soul will live on.  As long as you have a pure soul and can deal with your choices, you can find peace for a while.  As if laying on that warm sand, feeling the sun’s rays, the body just slips slightly out of line with the spirit.  Like the many kites flown on the beach, our spirits seem to feel safe enough to float & expand beyond our limits.  How many great ideas have been discovered on those sands?  How many troubles have been reevaluated only to see they really weren’t such a big deal to begin with once you remove the passion of the moment.  Its just a magic that is beyond comprehension.  Primal tie to our soul.

Even typing about it has slowed me down and made me think its time to sleep.  Baxter has been snoring away by my side for a while and the birds have long gone “night night”.  We will have to see who is going to be waking who tomorrow.  For a change it may actually end up being one of them!

One night I will sleep on the beach.

I can only imagine the peaceful night that would be.

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Stuck Rambling in this Holding Pattern Waiting for the Green Light

Ever feel like you fell asleep on the bus of life and just missed your stop?  The wheels keep turning and you realize you need to exit, but just aren’t sure where.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I remember an episode of Dead Like Me, where Georgia decides to let someone live who she should have reaped.  Ends up backfiring on her.  The person lives, but since it was past their “time” there are repercussions and it turns into something that never should have happened & bring a certain negative side and corruption.  More people die earlier than planned due to side effects of one person living longer than they should have.  As morbid as it sounds, that show gave me comfort.  In a lot of ways death is brutal to accept.  If you see it as a relief and timely, it gives it a little better chance of acceptance.

Learning that Adam Yauch, MCA of the Beastie Boys passed yesterday after an emotional day was harder than I ever could have imagined.  Like my mom’s, his cancer started in a gland in the neck area & he went through surgery & radiation.  I imagine the holding mask was similar to my mom’s that they used to pinpoint the radiation – that mask creeped me out more than any one in a costume shop ever could.   Maybe it was his time.  Maybe it was a relief to let go of the struggle.  Maybe his passing will spur a positive action that will save lives.  Maybe.  Still it’s not an easy one to accept right now.  I never met the man, but his words inspired and were the soundtrack to many moments in my life.  His ability to spotlight and raise money for Tibet, will stand as a testament to his true character.   One can only hope to be able to help others as he did.  Still I can’t help but wonder what else he could have achieved given more time.

Struggling to feel like I’m not wasting my time.

Stressed out is not somewhere I am going.  I have learned to deal with things better than that.  Reality is to be dealt with or forgotten.  Current status is I have debt, I have no insurance again & yet still have daily meds I need.  The cash flow took a nose dive in this transition which I am still waiting on confirmation on what I am transitioning too.  I am in school, but not yet able to register for classes…. which means I don’t know what schedule I can offer to a new employer.  Still waiting to hear back about the student loan, which means adding more debt and frankly although I love the idea of doing this on my own, makes me nauseous to think about any MORE debt.  And this is all in the hopes that it makes improvements in my own life and allows me to do more that I believe in?  Is it all worth it?

Certainly is a good distraction from mom being sick.  Still she is.  Felt horrible not being able to make things better.  I wasn’t even able to keep her on her medication schedule.  In my defense I don’t really know her schedule, but I lost track of time and didn’t wake her up in time to take a morophine dose and she ended up dealing with the pain of my mistake.  Which sadly she has had to do a lot in my life.  Feels helpless waiting for the pain to go away and the medication to do its magic.

Home isn’t home anymore.  Hasn’t been for years.  Still its the only place she is now and I want to treasure the time we have.  Moving back isn’t an option, especially since my Dad’s dog sees Baxter as a threat to whatever & we have to keep the two separated so as not to stress out my Dad needlessly.  The crazy mutt has a screw loose and has attacked the pug once in the past so there is grounds to worry but added anxiety doesn’t exactly discourage things from escalating.  So my trip to visit got cut short.  Easier to just exit than to cause others the stress.

Was driving back to the beach when I learned of MCA’s passing.  Was driving there when I learned of Junior Seau‘s passing.  Both chilled me and shook me more than I would have expected.  Hard to see people you admire fall down.  We are all humans, but at times its so easy to see those who are doing great things as more.  Hope that they will always continue being strong, inspiring and doing the good they do.   Reality is we all have a time line and the lines end.  Why its so hard to accept is beyond my scope of reasoning.

But on the topic of time lines… I feel like mine is both non-existant and yet still feels neverending!

On one hand I know it seems like I have all the freedom in the world to do what may & reinvent life on a whim.

In my mind the list of things that need to get done immediately is neverending.  Overwhelmingly so.

Still I have to take a deep breath & remember that each day has three main goals that HAVE to be achieved.  The rest is all in the details.

Balancing the urges to give up and to fight on.

I know its going to be hard and waiting is half the struggle for now, but I am ready to move forward.  To know how to plan the next few months at least.   Knowing we never know when our time lines will be up it so frustrating to waste hours, days waiting to see what will be.  Waiting so that when the shot is fired to start the race, you will be ready to go with all your heart.

So I wait.  Preparing scenarios and scoping ideas.  Ready for my chance to get back in the race and follow my heart.  Hoping that there is still time to make my stance and improve something before the finish line.