101 Days til Bliss

Life is just bizarre at times. This past week has been a whirlwind of emotions as a family member passed away. At 97 no one can say they didn’t see it coming but the drama of it all still takes it’s toll.

In a lot of ways, the whole process was healing to me. Being able to be there as he let go was something a few years ago would have terrified me. Now I just realized that the process had started & accepted it for what it was. The death rattle didn’t scare me, just made me wish there was something I could do to prevent the pain & confusion. Thankfully although all I could do is talk with him & hold his hand, hospice was there to assist with the pain & anxiety. Not sure how people pass without them & their gifts but again I am grateful for all they do & amazed that people do this daily yet stay so positive and caring.

The good-bye itself carried a lot of emotion. I believe that you never turn your back on family & that blood binds, but at times that is tested for sure. He & I didn’t agree on a lot of things, but he cared for my father when he was young & tried to be there for us all. Listening to so many rave about him at his funeral almost made me forget the bad times. I am thankful that there are so many who do remember him fondly & that I could hear the good things he did in his life. His time on earth truly has impacted many people in a lot of ways which is an achievement for sure. He fought hard to make it to 100, but in the end it was time for him to go on.

Now it is time for us to move on. Getting hugs at the end of the days from my nephew and seeing his smile reminded me that there is hope for a better tomorrow. Just have to make it so.

Which got me thinking- why abandon this blog? Because it reminds me of the tough times? Nah. Those are the times that made me strong enough to be who I am today. Scars and all.

So time to revamp & renew. Change this into something that once again makes me feel at peace with life. Happy to be me. Thus the new look.

Hopefully the changes will be good ones. Time will tell.  All we can do is the best we can & find something to always look forward to. See the glimmer of hope.

For me today that spark is knowing that in 101 days I will be in Disney World with the cutest kid I know as one of the happiest aunts alive.

That and that there is always a snuggle waiting patiently by my side.

Pugs lives are just hard sometimes.

Pugs lives are just hard sometimes.





That time I dialed 911

Perhaps I jinxed myself with that last post.

Saturday was intense. So much so that it has taken me a couple of days to get to a point where I felt comfortable trying to even put it into words.

Part of the “end stage” process with cancer, especially once it is in the brain, is seizures. Not sure why I hadn’t picked up on that, but even after the incident in December I didn’t expect seizures.  I thought Mom would just start getting more and more sleepy, confused and make the transition from this world to the next calmly.  Wishful thinking I guess.

Was sitting with her & noticed her hand was up & shaking, partially clinched fist.  I asked what she was doing and she replied it was just doing it on it’s own.  Even asked me to put it down.  HINT: when you can’t control your body, an issue is about to happen.  I didn’t know.  So when the shaking moved up & her consciousness very clearly moved somewhere else, I knew the shit was hitting the fan.  In the heart of the moment, I didn’t pass out & I didn’t have an anxiety attack – surprise.  Scary as it was we made it.  We all made it.

I knew things were going to be alright when EMS went to test her blood sugar level & Mom kicked me out of the room because she knew, I have a tendency faint at the sight of blood. Always my Mom, always trying to take care of me.

The adrenaline kept me in the moment & I was able to be there for her.  As lost & running solely on instinct as I was, I was there. Only later after she had been stable and sleeping several hours after the EMS team left, did it all hit me.  Throughout the episode, I saw her fear.  I heard her gasping for her life literally.  It could have been the end of the story.  REALLY thankful for the response team and my klonapin!

Also especially thankful for Hospice.  These people are so much more than just medical care.

So another experience under my belt.