Stuck Rambling in this Holding Pattern Waiting for the Green Light

Ever feel like you fell asleep on the bus of life and just missed your stop?  The wheels keep turning and you realize you need to exit, but just aren’t sure where.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I remember an episode of Dead Like Me, where Georgia decides to let someone live who she should have reaped.  Ends up backfiring on her.  The person lives, but since it was past their “time” there are repercussions and it turns into something that never should have happened & bring a certain negative side and corruption.  More people die earlier than planned due to side effects of one person living longer than they should have.  As morbid as it sounds, that show gave me comfort.  In a lot of ways death is brutal to accept.  If you see it as a relief and timely, it gives it a little better chance of acceptance.

Learning that Adam Yauch, MCA of the Beastie Boys passed yesterday after an emotional day was harder than I ever could have imagined.  Like my mom’s, his cancer started in a gland in the neck area & he went through surgery & radiation.  I imagine the holding mask was similar to my mom’s that they used to pinpoint the radiation – that mask creeped me out more than any one in a costume shop ever could.   Maybe it was his time.  Maybe it was a relief to let go of the struggle.  Maybe his passing will spur a positive action that will save lives.  Maybe.  Still it’s not an easy one to accept right now.  I never met the man, but his words inspired and were the soundtrack to many moments in my life.  His ability to spotlight and raise money for Tibet, will stand as a testament to his true character.   One can only hope to be able to help others as he did.  Still I can’t help but wonder what else he could have achieved given more time.

Struggling to feel like I’m not wasting my time.

Stressed out is not somewhere I am going.  I have learned to deal with things better than that.  Reality is to be dealt with or forgotten.  Current status is I have debt, I have no insurance again & yet still have daily meds I need.  The cash flow took a nose dive in this transition which I am still waiting on confirmation on what I am transitioning too.  I am in school, but not yet able to register for classes…. which means I don’t know what schedule I can offer to a new employer.  Still waiting to hear back about the student loan, which means adding more debt and frankly although I love the idea of doing this on my own, makes me nauseous to think about any MORE debt.  And this is all in the hopes that it makes improvements in my own life and allows me to do more that I believe in?  Is it all worth it?

Certainly is a good distraction from mom being sick.  Still she is.  Felt horrible not being able to make things better.  I wasn’t even able to keep her on her medication schedule.  In my defense I don’t really know her schedule, but I lost track of time and didn’t wake her up in time to take a morophine dose and she ended up dealing with the pain of my mistake.  Which sadly she has had to do a lot in my life.  Feels helpless waiting for the pain to go away and the medication to do its magic.

Home isn’t home anymore.  Hasn’t been for years.  Still its the only place she is now and I want to treasure the time we have.  Moving back isn’t an option, especially since my Dad’s dog sees Baxter as a threat to whatever & we have to keep the two separated so as not to stress out my Dad needlessly.  The crazy mutt has a screw loose and has attacked the pug once in the past so there is grounds to worry but added anxiety doesn’t exactly discourage things from escalating.  So my trip to visit got cut short.  Easier to just exit than to cause others the stress.

Was driving back to the beach when I learned of MCA’s passing.  Was driving there when I learned of Junior Seau‘s passing.  Both chilled me and shook me more than I would have expected.  Hard to see people you admire fall down.  We are all humans, but at times its so easy to see those who are doing great things as more.  Hope that they will always continue being strong, inspiring and doing the good they do.   Reality is we all have a time line and the lines end.  Why its so hard to accept is beyond my scope of reasoning.

But on the topic of time lines… I feel like mine is both non-existant and yet still feels neverending!

On one hand I know it seems like I have all the freedom in the world to do what may & reinvent life on a whim.

In my mind the list of things that need to get done immediately is neverending.  Overwhelmingly so.

Still I have to take a deep breath & remember that each day has three main goals that HAVE to be achieved.  The rest is all in the details.

Balancing the urges to give up and to fight on.

I know its going to be hard and waiting is half the struggle for now, but I am ready to move forward.  To know how to plan the next few months at least.   Knowing we never know when our time lines will be up it so frustrating to waste hours, days waiting to see what will be.  Waiting so that when the shot is fired to start the race, you will be ready to go with all your heart.

So I wait.  Preparing scenarios and scoping ideas.  Ready for my chance to get back in the race and follow my heart.  Hoping that there is still time to make my stance and improve something before the finish line.

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May Day, May Day

What a day.

Life is good when you can start your day with this view…

There was NO ONE on the beach! I loved it. Felt like my own private island get away.  Originally I paid for an hour.  Once I planted my butt in the sand, I didn’t want to leave.  Tried to get more time on the parking meter – not that anyone was waiting on an open space – but I couldn’t get the process to work without knowing my plate number on my car.  So I took it as a sign that my alabaster skin probably didn’t need to get any more sun for the day.  While I will take a tan, a burn is not anything I need.  Although there is NOTHING like the way your skin feels after a lay in the sand.

Especially since I had pole practice tonight.  Last one in a while.  Need to figure out my schedule & finances before I can commit to anymore.  I am REALLY going to miss it.  My arms, legs, abs & entire body feel so much stronger.  Lifting myself up is so emplowering.  Amazing what your body can do once you try!   Plus I completely had to giggle at the modern version of the Beltane May Pole!  May not be braiding ropes or ribbons, but I certainly circled it around enough times & twisted my body up to where it felt knotted!  I will skip the other jokes about celebrating fertility!

So now I’m exhausted & bruised, but thankfully not burned.  Ending the day with a big fat smile on my face & hope in my heart.

No word on classes or a job yet, but soon.  Enjoying the moments as I wait.  One of the best realizations I have ever had is that some emotions, although valid, are useless.  Stressing out & worrying without action is just wasted energy.   So for now I wait & trust that it will work out as it should.  No reason not to enjoy the ride & keep my eyes open for the lessons to learn.

As for the latest challenge:

  • Work out at least 4 times a week 30 minutes – so far I have knocked out 2 hour long classes that worked me out! Tonight more so than last night, but I can feel my body getting stronger.  I am already hating that I won’t be going back to pole class next week.
  • Keep waking up by 9:00 am for at least 5 days per week – no alarm needed but I have been getting up before 9 am each day!  Yesterday I only beat it by about 10 minutes, but still counts.
  • STUDY!  No sense waiting for classes to begin learning.  Time is now.  Learn vocabulary, concepts, forms etc. – biggest thing I haved learned is that there is so much to learn & I want to know it all! Reading in a couple of books & working on some vocab (yes, I’m a geek!)
  • Improve typing speed – now that I am back on a laptop YES MY NEW ONE ARRIVED!!! I am better able to get to practicing.
  • Live on $100 a week – hard, but being home has helped. Also working the catering job helps. Great food to nosh on still this is going to take some work.  The temptations are there, the emails with the “savings” make me really want to go get shorts, a bathing suit, etc. to go from cold to hot weather.  Still I remind myself that if I spend $50 more than I planned but save $100, its still spending an extra $50 over budget!  They are only savings if it is a purchase that is needed.  So holding on the bathing suit & shorts… for now at least.

So thankful for all the great things I am able to experience right now.  Being able to workout in a way that pushes my  body beyond where it has been lately, walking on the beach at sunset and spending mornings laying in the sand, time with the parrots, snuggling with Baxter, new laptops (thank you financing plans) and all the potential that awaits in the future.  So many blessings in my world right now.  Simply ripe for the next phase to begin, but until then I am enjoying being right where I am.  Making memories worth remembering.

Enjoying MY life.

I was sitting, waiting, wishing

… love Jack Johnson. But I do not love waiting.

Even though I know I am taking huge steps toward my future, I still feel a bit like I am on a treadmill.  Everything is on pause.

Waiting to hear if I got into the summer session of classes or if I will have to wait til the fall.  Waiting to hear more about financial aid options.  Waiting to figure out how many classes I will need to take – waiting on transcripts to be received.  Waiting to hear what courses from undergrad will count towards this to see if I can for go a couple of courses.

And waiting to figure out what my schedule will be in order to be able  to tell what hours I can work!

Just a LOT of waiting around.

Hopefully patience will pay off.

I know tomorrow one wait will be over FINALLY.  The new laptop should be arriving by 3 pm tomorrow.  Completely cause for celebration.  Back to normal again.  No waiting for updates on the iPod.  No waiting to transfer photos from the camera.  No more waiting to figure out the account balances by having to wait for transactions to clear online.  Yes I am addicted to quite a few things, like Quicken, Photoshop and iTunes.

Keep reminding myself it will all work out soon as long as I do what I can then sit tight and keep wishing.

The Dare – Student Edition

Caffeine has nothing on enthusiasm.  Another day wide away before I need to be.  Just too excited to get going to the next phase.

Virgo: Travel plans that you have been working on for a while are finally taking shape now. Or, perhaps, you’re enrolling in an educational program, making your upcoming journey a mental one. Either way, you’re at the threshold of a great adventure and previous resistance continues to fall away as Mars in your sign gains speed. Fortunately, you receive an extra boost of help today from the practical Sun-Pluto trine, so focus on a single goal and work to make your dreams come true.

Sounds like I am right where I need to be.  Love it when you do something because you know its what is right for you & then you end up getting all these confirmations that you are exactly where you need to be.

Yes its slightly scary to take the leap, but I know now I have wings & with the effort, I will soar.

End of another chapter on the resume.  May seem slightly sudden, but its been coming for a while.  I am feeling wonderful about it & ready to start working towards my next phase in life.   The experience was valuable.    So the application is in, transcripts are on their way and my FAFSA is in the works as well as plans to get by for however long this ends up taking to build the dream.

I’m putting my money where my mouth is & walking the talk.  If you only live once, there is no reason to wait a moment more to reach for the dream.

Also time to be slightly realistic & make a plan!  So the plan. (yes… again the Virgo is going to try to plan!)  This time I am less afraid & more focused on getting through the tough times to where I want to be.  I am in a holding pattern til I can confirm if I will be starting school in the summer session or the fall.  Also need to confirm on the financial aspects.  The age old do I do the student loan question.  I have never had one before, but this time I don’t expect anyone to pay for this but myself.  My parents and both sets of grandparents were kind enough to bless me with my bachelors degree.  My PHR was paid for by a former employer.  These building blocks certainly are paying off & I am truly lucky to have had them.  Now to use them to grow on.  Sure scholarships & grants would be great but most I have found are for undergraduates and single moms.  (PLEASE feel free to alert me to any that I may qualify for in the comments! I am very open to working on getting them & if your lead pays off, who knows I may reward you.  Don’t get too excited though I will be a college student on a budget!)

So again the plan, or the challenge I am setting for myself:

  1. Work out at least 4 times a week 30 minutes
  2. Keep waking up by 9:00 am for at least 5 days per week
  3. STUDY!  No sense waiting for classes to begin learning.  Time is now.  Learn vocabulary, concepts, forms etc.
  4. Improve typing speed
  5. Live on $100 a week (But I am changing the rules on this one)

Each week I am going to limit myself to $100 per week to eat, entertain myself, etc on.  This will not include bills, gas, medication or pet expenses.  It will include clothes, food, going out, all that extra stuff.  Again there is a way to add to the amount!  Achieve in order to get more.  Reward system.  Budget living again, but with hope.

As before – Any food in the house or anything given to me won’t count cost wise.  Also I can and will find ways to earn cash. Still resolving not to touch the 401k!  To add to the weekly allowance I can gain some extra cash flow by earning it:

  • For every application for a scholarship, grant or employment I complete & submit = $1.00
  • For every hour I volunteer = $1.00
  • For every interview I go on = $1.00
  • For every extra 30 minutes of exercise beyond the 1st 4 sessions per week = $1.00
  • Each day I track over 10,000 steps in a day = $1.00
  • For each book I finish = $1.00 for each book, $5.00 for anything related to the law field.

So back to the plan.  Tracking everything I do.  My life is my job.  For now at least.  I still am doing the catering service and actually am working a wedding today.  Perhaps with the increase in film production locally lately, I will find myself doing extra work again soon.  Once I get the green light on classes & can figure out my school schedule, I can get a better idea on what hours I can work.  Then its job hunt time.  But for now I am not sure if I’m going to summer or fall session & not 100% confirmed where I will be studying.  So a lot is up in the air.

I’m beyond excited.  Feels 100% right for me.  Can work in a field where again I am helping others.  Law school could be an option down the road, but I believe I am more into the research and administrative assistance side.  Not sure I would be much for the public speaking in a court room.  This way I get to be part of the team & support in the efforts but get to stay out of the limelight.  Completely know the value of support.  Reminded how much of a gift it can be as I do this with the support of friends & family.

Not alone and not accepting defeat in this fight.  Time to grow.  Time to prove myself once again.  Time to survive and thrive!

I’m open to any advice or suggestions that you have.  Please feel free to contact me if there is anything to share.  Encouragement, advice, links, all completely welcomed.

Now I’m off to search for scholarships and read a little before I am off to assist with making a bit of magic for a happy couple (& getting a great workout, food & my next paycheck!).

So this is daybreak

I’m not a morning person.

On any given day, I am the one who can sleep in the morning as long as possible & then be the zombie that shouldn’t be spoken to til after 10 am if its important.  Caffeine is not optional.  So why at just after 6 am did I suddenly fine myself wide awake? perhaps it had something to do with not taking the ambien last night, but I have a hunch its a bit different – for the first time in a long time I am truly inspired.  Ecstatic to chase a new day from beginning to end.  See how much I can pack into it.

Recently I realized that the things that I have loved in most jobs I have had & the conversations that really ignite me are the rules, the justification behind those rules & defining or in some causes redefining them.

One of the main things that attracted me to the Human Resources field is that sense of order that policies bring.  I believe all people have the right to do things the way they feel best, but as society or organization, we need to define those boundaries to some extent.   Give someone a goal & the rules of the game then let them go.  You may just be inspired by what you see!  The communication and negotiation of expectations is vital to group harmony.  As is ability to recognize differences & the value they bring to the common good.

So why didn’t I make the connection before?  Guess it wasn’t time.

My Dad asked me this week if I had thought about going back to school to get specialized training.  My initial thought was forget that! I was lucky to make it out once!  All the tests, homework & deadlines…. and last time I checked it took money not brought it in.  I was trying to make ends meet easier not drag them further apart.  But hours after hanging up the phone, I had a realization that maybe Dad was on to something.

Daily seeing resumes come in with various specialized training for positions that just were not available may have me a bit jaded when it comes to technical training programs.  Some schools are in the business of selling their services and in this time of higher unemployment, it can be an easy sell.  Without jobs to enter into to use that training though what good does it do?

There is value in being the master of one, rather than the Jack (or Jill) of all trades.  Especially when you are fueled by passion rather than just wanting to cash in the paycheck at the end of the day.

So today I begin my journey to chase a dream.  Today I look for scholarships, grants or potentially my first student loan ever.  Why? Because I am fueled up & on a mission.  I know now where I am meant to be.  I also know that before now, I wasn’t ready.  Maturity and all the experiences before needed to come before, but now I need to find my way in.  Make it happen.

Law.

First steps find the funding & the training.  Ideas are in place and contacts for advice and information has been made.  Transcripts ordered and admission application submitted.

And there isn’t an inkling of doubt in my heart that this isn’t what I am supposed to be doing right now.  For once in my life I can truly say – there is no fear, only trust.  I will find the path as long as I open up to it & take steps forward, even when those steps are scary.

So today I begin.  I am committed (perhaps should be committed may be what some are thinking) and I am dedicating myself.

Broken free from all restraints holding me back I dive.

 

Draft Dreams

Tonight I watch as lives change.  The NFL Draft is on right now & I love this night each year.  Dreams coming true. The excitement and hope. New careers start.

Which is extremely timely in my life.

I haven’t exactly been happy lately.  Just not able to get my heart & mind into my work – well, I guess I should say FORMER work.  yes my time as a recruiter is over. No drama, no hard feelings, just time to end and allow fresh energy to do the work.

So tomorrow I will be enjoying a bit of me time.  Relaxation & stopping to smell a few roses so to speak.

But come Monday.. its ON AGAIN!  another challenge to begin.  Some of my most popular post have been those where I was out of work & looking for a new job while sticking to a budget.  Of course I am going to do it again!  With a bit of a twist.  I have in mind something that came to me & like a light bulb went off, it just made sense.  One of those why didn’t I think of that before moments.  I am going to follow my heart again.  But that is a story to come.

For now I watch as others dreams come true.  The excitement to see who is picked & their smiles as big as can be.  I can’t help but be thrilled for each & every player who goes up & accepts that new jersey.  This fall I most likely will boo them as they battle my beloved Panthers on the field, but tonight we share an emotion – pure elation.  The joy of knowing the best is yet to come.  Awareness that its going to be work, but its worth every single moment.

So congratulations to all the new NFL players & their families.

Can not wait for all the things to come!

Appetite for Celebration

Oh Saturday, you are my favorite day ever…. well other than those Fall Sundays where the Panthers get to play.  Still days like today keep me going.  Mellow morning being a whole lot of lazy.  Baxter snuggles, parrot play & then some time out shopping & people watching.  HILARIOUS!

Found some great basics, socks, bra, undies, workout shorts, etc. and due to the sales… saved WAY more than I spent.  Which makes me wonder why ever buy anything at regular price? Tank tops for $24 or $4? um… let me see… DUH! Love a good sale.  LOVE new clothes!

Especially when I know exactly where I am going to wear them.  Sure the workout clothes are for the gym Monday, but today I am getting my work out in a whole different way – its CATERING TIME!

I know its work, but I swear it doesn’t feel like it.

All week I deal with meeting people, most unhappy & with sob stories to tell.  Some we learn way too much about & even uncover less than savory secrets that make you question the history of everyone you meet.  Seriously start to wonder if you aren’t the only person around without criminal records.  Of course that is an exaggeration, but the difficult personalities can certainly take center stage sometimes.  As much as I love my job, sometimes we all need a break.

So send me to a shift where the people I work with smile, the people I am serving laugh & joyful celebration sets the stage.

I LOVE my catering shifts.

Its a big work out with all the lifting, walking, cleaning, setting up and whatever else is needed to get through the party and do our best to make the event one of the best memories ever for the people celebrating.  I know without a doubt at the end of the night my body will be exhausted and sweaty, ready for nothing more than a shower & bed.

Also positive that the food will be amazing! Better than any other place to eat.  The settings are always enchanting and the company always entertaining.  Not only do I get to attend the special event, I don’t need to stress over what to bring or wear.

Course I will.  Especially with the rain.  Newish pair of comfy shoes broke in ready for this season & a new, fresh white button up shirt ready to pair up with the black pants.  Catering uniform ready to roll!

I’m just slightly excited.  ha ha!  Something about it all just feels wonderful.  Not just the nibbles of bliss or the paycheck that comes after, but the happy people.  I need moments like these to balance out the negativity that comes in life sometimes.  Reminders that even though some may be having hard times & barely getting by, others are still thriving and enjoying life.  There is still hope.  Its our choice in a lot of ways which we choose to be.

For tonight, I will be among the joyous.  Assisting my own way in bringing the magic of the moment.

….& of course dreaming of my own moments.