Busy is the new Happy

Know how when you try not to think of something, that ends up being the only thing you can think about?

That’s pretty much how my weekend ended up.

I keep thinking about everything that happened & didn’t happen. I miss him & still love him. Even have thought I have seen him a few times only to take a second look and it ends up being someone slightly similar. I know it is over but it still hurts.

I decided to get out of the house and do something rather than just wallowing in missing Mr Man. Distraction action!


Spent some time at the beach. Starting my list of things I want to do… although not sure what the time frame is, this summer/before I start trying to find the next relationship? Also discovered that most of the time, if there is something I want to do, I just do it. No need to wait for a list. Which is pretty awesome. In fact some of the things I thought of and added to the list Friday, already happened this weekend! Checking off already! List to come soon.

Tossed the cheap pedometer that wasn’t counting steps any better than if I was trying to mentally count them. You get what you pay for sometimes. Turned out the FitBit Ones were on sale so back to a real deal I can trust. Goal is each day get more steps than the day before. This weekend though, I just focused on getting thru the days.

Attended group therapy (always interesting) & am looking forward to getting up with a friend there & possibly helping her with a resume. (old HR skills come in handy) Also learned of a yoga group that meets for the new moon that sounds incredible that I may join her for.

Accepted an invitation to a Kentucky Derby party & actually placed a bet on a horse.  Samraat didn’t win, but he/she came pretty close. Still proud. Ended up figuring out that the floppy hats got tossed during the purge, so had to make due with my trusty mouse ears.

Met up with a few friends after that downtown for the Port City Comedy Fest Top Comic Finals. We all could use a few laughs. Pleasantly surprised by some of the talent there. Definitely going to have to check out the local stand up scene more often. Still as I sat there, I just kept thinking how much I want to crawl in my bed and be held. I laughed, but sadness was still there. So when the contest was over & it was time to go dancing, I bid everyone a good night & headed home. Just didn’t feel like dancing & certainly didn’t feel like dampening their mood.

Woke up & hit the beach again. Sadness and missing Mr Man more and more. What do I stumble on while trying to park? TWO BRIDES. Dagger to the heart. Ended up tossing the towel a long distance away from the weddings and enjoyed soaking up some sun & listening to the waves.

Next up was to finally check out the crystal shop that I have been thinking about going to for a while now. They had a TON of stones that were just beautiful. Some that I really wanted to come home with me, but were beyond my meager means. Discovered some crystals I hadn’t even heard of. Before I went I thought about getting something to help with meditation & something to alleve this miserable muggy fog about me lately. Maybe a rose quartz or new amethyst to charge. Maybe something grounding to help ease the emotional wreck I have been lately. I was surprised by the selection & had two stones that I just couldn’t leave behind.

This stunning auralite 23 and blue fluorite!


Smitten kitten. I basically just want to hold them forever. As soon as I got them home & sat feeling their energy, I felt peace. The tears stopped and I felt calm.

Both are healing stones and help with insights and growth.

Funny enough as I was leaving, the expert who was selling the stones mentioned that the blue fluorite was also called the student’s stone because it was excellent in helping to focus the mind. PERFECT. After the troubles this semester, I certainly needed this boost. Sometimes it seems the stones pick you.

As I held the auralite, I could almost feel a pulse emanating from it. Just a really beautiful, powerful crystal! It’s energy is inspiring & comforting. Yes I am in love.

Alas I had to separate from my new rock star friends for a few because I had agreed to another event & I was making myself go. Now is not the time to slip back into the staying home and avoiding crowds tendencies and this one promised to be a crowd.


There was a rally downtown to support keeping the local film industry here. State politicians are threatening to end the incentives given to lure productions to the state and without them, the jobs will be lost to the 44 other states that DO offer incentives. Wilmington is a HUGE productions town, in fact a movie was being filmed in a restaurant just a few blocks up from the rally. Many people here benefit from the various TV shows, commercials, music videos & films being produced here. From the families that directly work in production to the people who serve them when they take a break, it all helps the local economy. To lose it would greatly impact the character and life of this city. Simply put FILM = JOBS & we need them here.

Attending the rally was inspiring but also exhausting. Sensory overload and a lot of people.  Still no panic attack & no need for a klonapin to get me through, which is a major plus. In fact I didn’t have to deal with any panic attacks or feel the need to pop klonapin to avoid them all weekend. I’m dealing and even if I haven’t a clue what is next or how to make life better at the moment, I’m healing.

Just got to get over this aching and back to better days.

Maybe tomorrow will be the day I wake and everything feels better.


Mellowing Me



A lot of crying.  Lot of anger. Lot of dreaming. Lot of hoping.
Few revisions of life.

Lucky to have family,  past and present who show me about survival.  And what real love looks like.  If my Dad can survive losing my mom and  If my grams can survive losing my grampa, after all those years of devotion and being together everyday, I can deal with losing someone who never cared for me an inch compared to their miles.

Relationships come and go, but when it is real, it stays and grows.

I still love him. But that will mellow.  I’m still angry that he could leave.  But that too will mellow in time. I cry for the memories of when we were together and I cry for the plans we had that will never happen.  I miss him during the night.  I miss him sharing meals (which I realized tonight may be part of why I have been forgetting to eat lately). I miss so much.

But there is so much changing in my life anyway that hopefully the distractions will keep me sane. If not there is still a closet and junk draw to clear out. Feeling another purge session. There is a freedom in letting go of the clutter in our lives.

My schedule is changing since the semester is over & summer session will be day classes.  Changing habits that I let slip trying to wait to get time to do them together. Pedometer goes back on today! I have a 5k coming up (in September, but surely there will be another before that). My lack of recent meditation sessions certainly can’t be blamed on him, but time to bring them back. Getting together with friends & accepting invites that before I would have wanted to check to see if “we” had plans or wanted to go. Photography has slipped away unless you can count phone shots, which while fun just isn’t the same. I’m journaling again & reading more. Helps the time pass.

Sooner or later it will feel better. Always does.

Also as much as I dread touching anything dosage wise after the last fiasco, we’re changing my meds again. See if it helps. Also going for a physical to see if there is anything else going on that may have changed things. Not sure I want a positive confirmation but with diagnosis you are more likely to better know how to treat.  Hope so. Scary but also I know something isn’t right. Figuring out how to make it better has to be better than just waiting for another meltdown.


Discovered another Ali who went through a breakup & changed it into a positive recently. Her blog, The Break Up List, chronicles her life changing from the pain of having a 9 year relationship end to the pleasures of creating a life lived to its fullest. She even continues the list beyond the original 100 things and keeps going years later. By living life by her list she kept herself and (spoiler alert, but come on anyone sees this coming) she finds a new relationship that respects and encourages who she is.

So who knows. Maybe I will take time to create my own list. Certainly wasn’t as earth shattering a split, but I do miss my friend. It is time for a reinvention. Refocus on getting back to me.


Hope and Determination

So much changes so fast.

This time last week, I felt my life slipping away from me. Today I awoke with a spark.

More optimistic even if things aren’t perfect.

Mr Man & I have had some long talks and who knows where things will end up. What I do know is it is very hard to deal with depression from the inside, but it is also very difficult to deal with as someone who wants to support and make life better & can’t. There are some trust issues for both of us, but I think we both have good intentions. Time will tell if we work together or if we really just can’t be good influences on each other. Still stings but understanding the reasons and getting apologies certainly helps. Living together is tough even without the added stress.

Face it. We are both a bit nuts.

Face it. We are both a bit nuts.

Other than the stress of having him leave, neither one of us has done anything that would be a deal breaker. I can forgive a lot if there are good intentions behind it. I’m a bit cautious but part of having an adult relationship is working through the tough parts. Both of us being stubborn and used to being in control doesn’t help. We have both been hurt in the past. Our choices now are all that matter. For now the positives of being together outweigh the positives of being apart. So we take it day by day.

Having his stuff out has enabled me to take a better look at my stuff & question why there is so much of it! I swear the clothes in my closet multiply on their own. Feel like I just went through them & purged but clearly the space filled up again and it’s time to go through them again.

Call it Spring Cleaning or sanity saving diversion, the stuff has got to go. In the closet & out. Fixing up the bedroom just allowed me to neglect the other areas of the house. Problem with a great bed is you never want to leave it. Especially when the TV with the Roku is in here. Could just be that I enjoy the green walls so much better than those old white ones.

My goal is to reorganize and maybe even move furniture around.

I can’t change the past, but I know that I can shape the future. So that is where I am placing my energy, focusing on where I want to go, being who I want to be.

Fingers crossed.


Another Ending

Another chapter closes in my life.

This week Mr Man & I split.  Still slightly in shock about it all but we just need different things.

My  last doctor’s visit my psychiatrist felt I was doing great & we discussed possibly decreasing my medications.  Mr Man (& guys before) have had issues with the number of pills I take daily, but I know where I was & like being where I am now (usually).  I understand that some people have addictions and abuse medication, but when it works, it works.  With my doctor’s encouragement and approval, I went off one of my medications.  Even then, I still felt judged for what I was taking.

Old habits slipped back.  Sadness.  Insecurity. No motivation to do anything or go anywhere.  Anxiety attacks came back.  I knew I was down, but didn’t realize how bad I had gotten.  I was able to justify some of it with excuses that contained some truth.  Trying to save money, I didn’t go out as much as I could have.  Reality is some days I just didn’t feel like leaving the bed.  Depression gets to you like that.

My ability to concentrate on anything has made school work nearly impossibly & I have lost desire to even attempt it… or much of anything else.

In a conversation something came up & I got sad.  After spending a day in bed crying again, I got informed that I am just too sad a person to date.  He felt he needed to focus on his life & I need get a better grasp on mine.  He said I am a completely different person when I am not on my meds.  Evidently only one of those people is worth being around.

I didn’t even put up much of a fight.

Communication hasn’t been great lately for either of us.

The whole conversation just left me feeling disposable and unwanted.  Which I guess in a way, I am. We all are.  Honestly my first impulse was not a good one.  Thankfully it didn’t get beyond a thought.  Thankfully I had it in me to contact help & refill the medication I had stopped immediately.

So lesson learned.  I do need that one.  Back on it.  Hoping that soon all will balance out.  Til then I have therapy, the beach & wonderful friends and family.

I’m not angry.  Just still sad.  More so.  But I know where I have been and have faith that if I get through the hours, they become days.  One day things will be ok again.

So much more to write and say but I am just still pretty numb.

I opened up & I tried.  It failed.  Scary as it is, nothing to do but move on.

He has moved out & wants to stay friends.  Not sure how I feel about that one.  I trusted him and had hopes that maybe this time would last.  Maybe this time he would have my back.  Friends first works out best they say, but guess depression just gets the best of anything.

So back to single life.  Back to the original mix of medications.  Hopefully back to me.

Keep Going

Oh life.

Lately it has been challenging & I really don’t even know why.  If you look at the stats, I should be doing great & sometimes I am.  Other days, it is a real task getting up and out of bed. Finally got the bedroom in a better place WITH the new bed up.  Not stressed out about any family members. In a stable relationship with someone who clearly cares.  No work stressing me out.  But there is school.

Which is seriously making me question why I am even in this program.  Won’t get into it, but I can’t seem to grasp things lately. My focus is a problem, but also I have issues with learning old school methods when there are so many quicker & more efficient ways to do things.  I also have an attitude problem when it comes to “busy work”.

Adjusted meds because life was going great & I seemed to be at a place where I could possibly decrease.  Each day I ask myself if it is a good idea after all.  Either I am going through relearning to cope or I need the increase dose back.  Not sure which.  Lately something just isn’t working.  Especially when it come from me wanting to do much outside the new bedroom.

Sadly that is a perspective Mr Man just doesn’t even get.  He likes being on the go. Every day is a chance to do something or make something or explore somewhere.  We are learning to try to balance each other out, but it can be overwhelming for me.  Some days the PTSD just doesn’t allow for me to go, go, go.  I’ve been pushing it & then there are days I have just flat out given up.  Down side to the new bedroom set up is it is extremely comfy, especially on these cold, rainy days.  Still we try.


…& we will keep trying.

As for that homework, not so sure. My eyes are certainly open to learn, but my heart just isn’t in this program lately.  Hopefully that will change soon, but if not who knows. Feeling a tad lost in my purpose in life but only one way out.  Keep going.


Flip it. Make today.


I completely believe your perception shapes your reality.

Gratitude & positive thinking can change the world.

Lately however it just isn’t with me.  By all accounts I should be thrilled.  Proud of making it through the 5K, for passing Bankruptcy Law class that is notorious for being the hardest course to get through in the program, getting to watch my nephew change day by day from learning to smile & babble to flipping from tummy to back.  I’m just still really down.

Actually last couple of days, I’m beyond down.  I’m mad, annoyed easily & weepy.  Just generally frustrated.

I know  they say grief comes in cycles but it really does.  Missing my Mom more than ever.  Dad seems to need me around more than ever & it is starting to feel like my life is on hold still.  Truth is he seems to want me to move back in & isn’t really understanding I need to rebuild my life here at the beach where my home is.  Thank goodness for my nephew & those smiles.  Now is one of those times where I wish I could call Mom up & get advice.  At least vent and have someone that completely gets it.

Just want to curl up in someone’s arms and cry.  Have someone say it will all be ok & actually believe it.  Never did that with Mom but that’s the urge right now.  I’m just sad.  Tired of waiting for my bliss.

Thankfully I have great friends who still suffer through listening to me, although I’m not sure why at this point because even I am beyond tired of it.

Given in to it the past couple of days.  Hoping it worked its way out of my system.  Sometimes you have to give in and go with it to get through it.  But it is a new month.  Time to shake it off.  Back to focusing on eating right (which is harder than expected splitting my time in two places & eating with others while not at home) and healthy decisions (work out since the 5k? nope not officially).

I should feel like I have all the time in the world right now being in between semesters and not working.  But I don’t.  That needs to change.  There are 24 hours in every day.  No reason to feel like  my days are stretched so tight.  Just have to take control and enjoy them no matter where they are.

Life is mine to sculpt even if sometimes I don’t feel like I have everything I need to make art, it is there waiting in the clay for me to find.

Pity Party over.  Need to be a happy girl and focus on the joys in life before they pass.  Sadness is getting me no where & Mom wouldn’t have wanted me being like this.  She would tell me to get over it.  Sucks but you have to keep going.  Can’t stop life.  Even when it feels you have nothing to lose.