I’m crashing from the high – I’m letting go tonight


Who doesn’t have issue with it during their lives? If there are people who actually have missed this painful of all life lessons, they truly are the blessed ones. I however find I keep retaking the test. Perhaps one day I will pass, but I can at least know that I have given everything I have where I have felt it was needed or deserved. I have tried to help overcome mistakes that were never mine in the first place & find it just leaves me depleted and angry at myself.

Evolving has never been a bad thing in my eyes. Maybe it is growing up but at some point past just doesn’t fit into the present or lead you into a future. Shedding off the old unveils the person you were meant to be during the here and now. Even if it isn’t the easiest to accept.

The clutter of trying to be empathetic and understanding of others at times will suffocate if you don’t make sure to keep your head up and stand on your own now and then. The past week I found myself exhausted and realized most of my energy was being expended trying to help various people who I valued in my life. Having one event that I wanted to attend gave me a realization. I was pulled in so many directions that everything else ended up coming first. A sacrifice I made and knew I was making it when I made it. Still anything for friends. Then I realized through several interactions with a couple of people that it all just drained & depressed me. Conversations gave me reality checks that this isn’t me. Maybe it was, but that kind of life was just shackling me to the past. The negativity grew and never feels right.


I exploded.

Several times in ways that stretched from angry texts to taking the neighbor stealing my recycling bin as a personal attack. Yes I got it back & let them know that it WILL never end up in their yard again without consequences. Forgot how intimidating I can be when it is needed. In Kali feels good to release now and then.  Only through the destruction can you be free to create what you dream. Why I keep forgetting or keep thinking I need to hold fast to everything in hopes that it will once again bring the joy it had I never know. My flaw.

But now I am WIDE AWAKE.

Grateful for the people who reciprocate the respect. No one should ever be used or abused. When the relationship turns, it is time to toss it out. The things that are meant to be will be. No rules state that you can’t reconnect later in life when you are both in better places. Won’t be the same connection, but if you truly are able to support each other in becoming the best you can be then why not? Only by freeing the space do you open up life to fill it with the good stuff of the present. Step into where you should be now.

It feels divine.



You Just Can’t Make Life Up


There is one great truth to life, it will always pop up with something unexpected. You can plan every detail you want but surprises appear along the way.

Dating again (or at least trying to) is no exemption to this law.

The dating site profiles are back up. The insanely crude messages are coming in as it seems is par for the territory of meeting people while not actually meeting them. Along with the expected comes the unreal that I never could have thought of. Like the guy who claims to be a secret agent with the Army stationed currently in Nigeria (riiiight, guess that secret part escaped him).  Tried to just ignore him, but it got the best of me when he asked what I did for a living. My reply of “leading an intergalactic rebellion” just got a “I do not understand your work” & a delete of his messages.

A few nice guys have popped up. But so far nothing that really connects. Still I am proud to be getting back out there and trying. Still feel a bit jaded and annoyed at the irresponsibility of all the insincerity that I trusted from Mr Man, but time heals. Hopefully at some point I will meet someone who is on my level and enjoys my company as much as I do their’s.  So far it has been fun having some unique conversations and just feeling wanted again. I’m in no rush to get physical but I imagine in time that will change with the right guy too.

So for now I am just spending as much time making myself happy as I can. Lots of beach time & working on the list of things to do.


Well that & trying to figure out how to lose the tan lines without being arrested for indecent exposure. Missing my tanning bed this year, but loving being at the beach more. Yes I am using sunscreen, but still the lines come.

Classes started back this week to there is added distraction there that I am grateful for. Who knows where this summer will lead. It promises to be memorable. I’m trusting that I am exactly where I need to be right now & that my path is unrolling as it should be. I just have to trust and keep walking even if I can’t see the road for the turns up ahead.

Better Off Alone


Dating in your 30s is VERY different than dating in your 20s.

For one, there are a lot less single people your age & most of the single ones are jaded from past relationships.  None of us are without baggage.  Sure some get lucky & leave their luggage behind, but we all have travel down a few roads & have stories to tell.

We all have made mistakes.  The key is learning from them and keeping them from being disasters.  Thankfully most mistakes you can grow from and sooner or later they don’t even bother to be much more than a memory.

For other people, their past haunts their present in ways that make it impossible to create the futures they desire.  I’m sure they envy the rest of us.

The labels they receive make it hard to be anything more.


In a lot of ways, I feel bad for them .

I embrace my own ability to change and be whoever I want to become with pure gratitude.  A gift I admit I take for granted most days.

I have choices.  My adventure is my own to make.

The choices I make aren’t always in hindsight the best, but occasionally they make me really proud and bring me to a place I like.


Which is why when something doesn’t feel right, I check it out and make my own calls.  Trusting what people say and sometime do is not a strength of mine and at times that works in my favor.  Instincts can be life savers.

Part of what I liked in Human Resources and some of what intrigues me about Law is looking into what makes people who they are.  You build upon your past.  I like getting the facts and understanding people better.

Unless who they really are isn’t who you hoped they were.

People can say so much, but actions speak volumes.  The details drive you to the truth in so many ways.  Signs are everywhere even when people try to tell you they aren’t.

This weekend was a true test for me & thankfully I am no worse than I was before.  A bit shaken and less trusting of the whole online dating thing, but I trust myself more & those who guide me.  Lesson stored away in hopes that it will serve to deter me from ever having to deal with that again.

Decided it is time to step away from the whole dating thing.  Closed up the online profiles and decided to just focus on reconnecting with friends, becoming more of who I want to be, healing from the loss of Mom and of course lots of time on school work that will hopefully lead me where I want to be.   Taking a few steps to ensure my own safety and reminding myself of how lucky I am to have some amazing people around me at this time in my life.

Thought a lot about telling more details, but this is another case of it isn’t really my story to tell.  The convictions and cases speak for themselves and thankfully are public record for me to discover when I needed to but the who & what doesn’t matter.  They do their time daily. 

What I will say is that doing research about anyone who you think may be coming into your life is vital.  There are 3 sides to every story (including the truth which I may never truly know).   Family may be given to you, but the ones you bring into your world should be ones who add positivity, comfort and joy.

Make your own legacy.

Another Try?

Been a weekend of ups & downs.

Closer to a great friend & excited about her beautiful future.  Feeling so lucky to know I have friends who are so supportive when I feel horrible.  Also very grateful that after putting my faith into another person who didn’t deserve it, I am ok knowing that at least I love myself enough to not to put up with certain things! Still disappointing when the guy turns out not to be what you thought he might.  85 has definitely been 86’d and will not get a third time at bat.

Change in seasons & change in focus.  Regroup & recharge.  …& maybe restock the fridge later today! Starting to think no one actually lives here anymore.

Revise the goals time:

  • 10 on 10give $10 to a non-profit each month on the 10thalthough it seems like its hard sometimes to do this on time, but it happens.
  • Read more! – I need more time in my life to read.  But lunches work great. Thinking of treating myself to a new book today but feeling guilty about a few I haven’t finished. Still I know I can finish one by the end of this month.  Got a few new suggestions & frankly the distraction from life is so welcome right now.  I can’t imagine a world without books!
  • Try one new thing each week – last week had me trying pole dancing.  I think I am sticking to the adventurous side.  Always room to try new things.
  • Work on the photo scavenger hunt more – hoping to get into a new spot to take a few pictures soon. I keep forgetting what to look for in this!  Need to at least get 2 more done by the end of this month.  Should be inspiring not work.
  • Continue my love affair with Post Crossing had to get more postcards & stamps, but its still so much fun.
  • Daily food picture –  366 dishes – funny how I get on certain kicks. Like spicy chicken wraps & grapefruits.
  • Spend an hour with someone else outside of work each week – this week was seriously fun and feels great to be around someone who can laugh at similar things, like barney purple yoga pants paired with a sunshine yellow lace top.  Where were that poor thing’s friends?
  • Comment on at least 2 blogs per week – so much great stuff is blogged about & I read several religiously, other blogs I stumble upon and get inspired.  Yet I don’t comment as often as I should.  I know that there are a few eyes on here and yet the comments are all spam, which is ok I just delete them.  But I want to bring a smile if I can letting others know that someone is reading. So comments are coming. 
  • Check out at least 2 new potential houses per week – I will never find my new place if I stop looking.  I need breaks sometimes when it all just seems like its never going to work, but I can not stop.  Goals are never achieved by completely letting go.  Sometimes you have to loosen the grip, but you still have to know where you are trying to go.

Optimistic? Sure why shouldn’t I be.  Life is what you make it.  Sometimes that means you have to keep out the bad guys.  Its not always easy and sometimes it hurts, but otherwise you will pay. I prefer to rip the band-aid off quickly instead of enduring the slow pain.

Thinking of a few other more drastic challenges to focus on.  Maybe a fitness one? Something with cooking? dreaming of the options.

Any suggestions?

That time I went out with the escort

Thought this quote said it beautifully…

Men will like u for your looks, stay with u cause of your personality, love u for what u do 4 them, and marry u for the peace u bring them.

As soon as I saw it on Twitter, it struck a cord.  Such truth about all relationships.

On sight alone we can only know so much.  We assume traits and expectations, but its not until we get to know the person that we know if we really want them into our lives.  Sometimes even if we want them in our lives, we are better off without them.  Others we have to figure out if they are worth sacrificing some piece of ourselves.

By not putting myself out there lately, I forgot how much you learn about yourself in dating someone new.  Even on the less than thrilling dates you learn something new.

While nothing compares to being with someone you can completely be yourself around & who knows your stories, there is a certain magic of new people in your life.  They may be there for a lifetime or only a night, but the memories made can last forever.

Great weekend learning about someone new and remembering what it feels like to be on a first date.  Remembering how many people there are in this world & how silly it is to think that just because we get hurt by a few, we will be hurt by them all.  Amazed by someone new and all the unique ways there are in life.

Like being on a date with a guy who is adorable, smart and has a great outlook on life.  Someone who isn’t afraid to embrace the things he likes even if they aren’t trendy.  Someone who works doing something I couldn’t even imagine how someone would get into, like ESCORTING federal prisoners.  (*ha ha NO I did not pay for a date, he actually just does that as part of his work.  Made a great title though, right?)

Looking forward to more first.  Be it with the cute guy from this weekend, or learning about new people I can’t even imagine right now.

Dream. Dash. Do?

Some days just rock a lot harder than others.  Days like today just make me smile and hope that no matter how difficult other days may be, there is always hope for more like today.

Especially ones where surprises arrive!

Got the gift cards from Courtney Out Loud!!!  Can’t wait to go checking out Pier One’s stock.  Maybe tomorrow will include a trip to each of them to compare.

Til then, Baxter & I are dreaming & doing our happy dance again.  (& yes I busted out the Valentine’s-ish quilt I made a few years back).  Feeling really inspired again lately & wishing I had the time to make something else.  Very soon.  I played around with the fabric today, but just couldn’t quite decide what to make in time.  If only my craft stuff were able to be as organized as these rooms! Or hell if it had a room….

Craft Room Inspiration

But no time today for that it seems.  I had a date to dash off to.

Met up with a couple of photog friends to brainstorm & catch up… dream about something that if/when it happens will be pretty amazing.  I’m excited for sure.  Which left me inspired to want to take a million and one pictures and dream about this & that in how to edit them and display & all that good stuff.

But no real time for that either.  Off to meet someone.  Inspired by conversations the night before hearing how successful relationships started in various ways be it in a beer tent being polite, intrigued by an online profile a bit too real or even by that one face that just didn’t seem to go away. I had hope for what could be.  The profile seemed ok.  Maybe this one wouldn’t end up making me wish I had a panic button in my purse.

So I went. First good sign – he actually looked like his profile pictures.  Second good sign – he was polite.  So we chatted. We walked. Drank coffee & watched the sunset across the Cape Fear River.  Somewhere along the way it dawned on me that there wasn’t that much in common, but he was a good guy.  The things I expected based on the profile pictures weren’t really there.  It dawned on me that based on those pictures, I read more into them than I should have & basically was expecting him to be similar to an ex!  Turns out he isn’t anything like that ex, except they are both nice guys, but the things that I had in common with the other guy & actually liked aren’t there in this guy.  Hate missing those pieces & hate that I realized I wasn’t even really giving this guy a chance to be himself without comparison.  But such is life. There is a lot of good there, but common interest maybe not.  Perhaps a friend might be a great fit with him.  Time will tell it seems.

When it was time to dash off from that it was errand running time.  Then home again to spend some time with Baxter & the birds.  Perhaps even get in a bit of reading before I crash.

So maybe tomorrow.  Dream today.  Do tomorrow.

One thing is blatantly obvious to me.  I have more desires than dollars or daylight.  If only I could just add a few more hours to a day.  At least I feel this one was about as packed as it could have been.

General goalsfor the coming year & next few months…

  • 100 Days challenge – 100 days straight of intentional moving 30 minutes each day – Back on track & no more slipping. One day of 99 isn’t going to get me down. Maybe soon it will feel more habit-ish & I will start thinking of bigger goals than just consistency.
  • 10 on 10 – give $10 to a non-profit each month on the 10th – gave to the Cape Fear Literacy Council
  • Read more! – Still stunned that I have already basically read more than last year & its not even the end of January. Downloaded a couple of new ones today & starting #6 tonight.
  • Budget each month prior to the month & stick with it – stupid money. Meeting up with friends out for dinner/lunch… isn’t so great for the budget, but well worth it. The other stuff I have been spending on isn’t so much but fun. Pay day is Friday at least.  I can get there.

As for the more traditional resolutions:

  • Try one new thing each week – Attended a new group for crafters tonight along with a friend I hadn’t seen in way too long.  So many ideas brewing.
  • Cook something each week – Potluck at work was incredible! The drinks, the shrimp lo main, the pizza, the chicken nuggets, the pineapple cake, and coconut & mango sorbets delish! Even got compliments on my black beans & rice.  All love goes to my not so secret ingredient – Adobo!
  • Take one photo I love each week – Feeling so inspired lately! I HAVE got to update the scavenger hunt page soon.
  • Continue my love affair with Post Crossing thinking I need a cool way to display these soon.  They are waiting patiently in a box til I do.  Wondering where the next one will come from.
  • Floss daily – check. nothing in between the teeth.  Why did I think this should be a goal this year? Didn’t I realize I do this daily now?
  • Meditate more – at least weekly – sorry. nothing to report here… move along.
  • Daily food picture –  366 dishes – clearly this has been sponsored by chicken and fries.  No more.  I have GOT to eat better.  Or at least in a way where I can be more enthusiastic about the pictures.
  • Spend an hour with someone else outside of work each week – easy peasy this week. reconnecting with so many & even met someone new today.  Thinking tomorrow is going to be a stay home & chill day, but this weekend certainly has made up for the past little while of being a deadbeat hermit.

Tell me about yourself… in words

All day at my job, I see resumes. Stacks and stacks of resumes. Good resumes, decent resumes, first resumes, barely even can be called a resume resumes… I frankly have seen a lot in my years of working in human resources and hiring in various capacities.

Resumes that tell me the history, skills and ambitions of strangers. An insight into their ability to communicate and ideas about the places they want to be. Or at least they should. I also see pieces of random bits of words that don’t seem to flow or really describe anything other than the person was forced to submit something. Resumes tell a lot about a person. Just as a wedding invitation gives insight into the occasion and marriage to come, resumes allude to what you can bring as an employee. I’m not saying they should be formal, engraved expensive expressions, but lets face it you don’t use a coconut postcard as your wedding invitation for if the ceremony is at the Ritz-Carleton. Let the paper match the intent. You want the big kid job, you do the big kid prep and show you are up to it. No you don’t HAVE to have a resume, but you also don’t have to have a position that doesn’t include asking if someone wants paper, plastic or to super size.

Sometimes I get to interview the people from the resumes to gain an even deeper insight to them. Always with a standard set of rules that both myself & the person (if they choose to be) are aware of. Some questions are off limits and some expected. The meeting occurs at a mutually agreeable time and public place. The meetings are relatively short & during the meeting we talk about the goals desired, what employment positions they would like to be in and if I am able to connect them with companies who are seeking people like them.

In so many ways, its much like dating.

Lately I have been meeting several different guys on dating sites.

Thankful that the path to my heart isn’t exactly a first come first serve situation. Its going to take just the right combination of skills and personality to land the position.

The profiles give me some basics, maybe even a sense of their personality. If we both agree, we meet in a public location at a mutually agreed upon time. The first meeting can in a lot of way be like the interviews. At least that is the way I see it.

For the profiles, much like some of the resumes, it seems the rules fly out the window. No history for most, unless they choose to answer the married, divorced, widowed, single question honestly. No background checks, no track records or list of abilities that make them stand out from the others.

Just pictures & statements on whatever they like.

So much easier to compare potential employees than it is to compare dates.

Not even last names to do the background checks on our own…. and yes I admit to checking out guys once I get the entire name & I’m honest about it. Amazing the things people forget to mention, like that they moved here to get away from all those pesky charges. I don’t check them all, but if my gut feeling is iffy, the check gets done.

Still I guess its more to go on that just glancing at the guy across the store while picking up groceries. Knocks out a few questions – or should.

Part of the thrill lies in the potentials. The wonder where this could lead curiosity. Slight bit of mystery keeps you asking questions. Funny how the unexpected just happens with the people you least think it will. Other times you have to deal with the unexpected of a different sort. Like today.

I got a message on January 6 from someone older than my preferred range & on first glimpse in no way similar to myself other than skin color. No shared interest & I wasn’t even remotely attracted to the guy. So no response. No biggie. Or so I thought…

Today I get this blast (feel free to skip it)

“This online dating thing is a piece of shit! Vanity and currency are ALL that people care about!! Hopefully that’s not YOU!! Most people ruin it for me because I don’t look like a million bucks nor do I have a million bucks to spend on THEM… If I did, would I be on here??? Please… There are a few of us decent people left. I know I will likely not get that chance to show my inner beauty to anyone because I am a victim of my own beliefs and convictions…. I believe in being myself, which goes against everything in society today! I get penalized for being honest and being real. No one can cope with reality very well!! It’s too bad too… Most women hide behind five year old snapshots. Is that you?? Most women also are nothing more than looking for a free meal or a way to kill 4 hours due to being bored at home or with their current man/men… Is that you?? I would like to think there are some legitimate females actually looking for a relationship!! Could that be you?? I am sorry for the blast of reality but the truth hurts and most can’t handle it!!”

Um… really? Actually I wish I could hide behind the old pictures of the past with my body in peak condition, but that isn’t me any more. Its changed. Some for the better, some admittedly less “perfect”. Let this guy show his “inner beauty”? I think I got enough of a glimpse into his anger issues to realize that is not in my best interest. I get the frustration, but what is the point? No one owes anyone anything.

Not a date. Not a job. Nothing. So try why fight your way in?

I’m all for rebellion & changing what needs to be changed, but when it comes to relationships -both in the workplace & the heart – why do people choose to be combative? I personally have not time for it. Sure there will be disputes along the way. Half the fun of getting to know each other is learning to appreciate even the differences. But why start it off on an angry note? No thanks.

I’m so frustrated today its not even funny. What should have been easy turns to completely exhausting hours of struggle. In the end, things would have been so much easier if we all just were honest & worked together. But egos or whatever it is, gets in the way.

The words tell so much. The words not there sometimes say even more.

Are online dating site profiles the resumes of dating? If so perhaps we need professionals to start aiding in their creation. Certainly is easy sometimes to see why some stay single and unemployed. I will never be someone who says go for the first opening. Got to wait for the best thing & never, ever settle!