What Matters Really

So yesterday was a freak out day.

We all get them now & then.  Doesn’t make them easier to deal with but at least they like all other days, only can last 24 hours.

Part of what was really bothering me was making that danged Will, Living Will, Powers of Attorneys & Health Care Power of Attorney.  It was just for a class assignment, but we also notarized them and made them legit – if the student chose to.  Its something I didn’t have, so why not?  Its needed.

In making it, it forced me to really look at my life.  What I would leave behind if today was the day.

What did I value?  What made it into my will?

Funny enough, I didn’t think about my camera equipment, jewelry or anything that can be insured.  What I stressed about was Baxter & the birds.  They are what matters to me.  No I didn’t leave them all my money (what money?) but what I did do was spell out exactly what should happen if I go prior to them.  Baxter has to have a loving home where he will be a valued companion.  He has been abandoned before & I don’t want him to end up back in an animal shelter.  The birds, well I know what happens to parrots that end up at animal shelters.  Mine will never go (or go back) there.  They have to go to a rescue group that specializes in re-homing  companion parrots or a sanctuary.

The other depressing part was… who to name.  Makes you really see where the heart strings are…. or aren’t.  Who can you trust?

Sadly family is very limited right now & the likelihood of my parents outliving me isn’t one I can count on.  My sister is here & brother in law, but beyond that?

Slightly depressing? you betcha.

As much as I study and strive to do the best at whatever career I so chose, at the end, its family that is by your side.  They are the ones who remember you.  They are what matter most.

Which frankly scared the hell out of me.

Already know what its like to lose family and not looking forward to the declining numbers.  Still it escapes me on how family is made.  (yes I know the biology class how to part) How it all bonds together over the years.  Two singles become the couple that develops into the start of the family.  So strange and magical, yet happens daily all over the world.

more realistically this blog!

I’m not at a place in my life where I am ready for kids just yet, but still scary to think that I’m also not at a place where I have that strong couples bond.  Not something I can fake or force.

What I really have to come to terms with is if I’m ok with the opposite.  Can I be that person who stands on their own til the end?  How do I make my life worth having been through?  Guess that is something I think we have to ask everyday.  Treat each day as a way to bring something better into it.

Figure out how to find the inner peace and be proud of who we have been and are because really that is what matters most.

…..well as far as I can tell….

Hoping that all works itself out quickly & that I can attend classes that aren’t so close to home and depressing.  Bring on the legal research & torts cases!  On a positive side, it is good to think through things and may be exactly what needed to happen sooner or later.  On to better days!

Advertisements

Out of Thin Air

As much as a 3 day week sounds blissful, I’m starting to see the downsides.  Four days off are nothing to complain about, but reality is the 3 days I am in school and trying to get everything done are intense.  Add in trying to date and have a life and its the perfect storm for needing those 4 recovery days.  At least when they are weeks like this one.

Working? um… why would I? to pay bills? Ha!  That implies there are actually jobs available that will be flexible enough to work with school schedules! Right. Not in this area lately.

Sure I could go for the Do You Want Fries With That option I guess, but I am trying to avoid the Freshman Fifteen this go around (does a 2 year associates even have a Freshman year?) and in all reality the minimum wage for busting my ass route is just going to leave me with no energy to study anything.  So what’s the point? I’d flunk out anyway.

Thought that Grants & Scholarships would be extremely helpful this go around since the first time I did college I didn’t go for any at all.  I was extremely lucky in that my grandparents & parents did some serious sacrificing and planning to put me through starting the day I was born.  So since I haven’t even used assistance before, why not now right? WRONG.  No longer eligible.

here have some cash… just kidding!

The grant I got – turns out someone in Financial Aid is a moron.  They gave me money yet some how are now saying I didn’t qualify for it.  So they took it back.  Why don’t I qualify? bad grades? shady past? criminal records? blue eye shadow?  Nope.  Simply because I have a degree.  A degree I was honest about from the get go in applying to school.

So now I owe several hundred dollars which they let me use at the bookstore for this now imaginary grant.  Which has to be repaid before I can register for classes next week.  Not sure how many people who aren’t working actually have that money just laying around without any purpose, but its not this girl.

Everything I have goes to getting by.  Sure I’m not eating ramen every night, but I have cut back on a lot of expenses since starting school.  So much so that I’m frustrated in a lot of ways.  But that is adulthood.  Not very many people do have tons of extra money to just toss.  Its a trade off I am willing to make.  Every purchase matters more now.  If I decide to go get a cup of coffee out, that means I have to cut corners elsewhere.  Its life.

Still I’m at the point where, its starting not to work.

Added unexpected expenses, like the grant I now have to repay along with the tuition for next year, are just not working out.

So stressed? You betcha.

What’s a girl to do?  There are several places hiring for full time.  One side of me says to take a step back and start working again.  School will be there when I can get to it.  Maybe take one night class for the next decade.   Still going full time would mean I am done and working in a job I am going to want to be in, in roughly another year and a half.  IF I can get there.

Student loans? As much as my parents really don’t want me to take on more debt… they are starting to seem like a very real option.  Scary as it may be, the money has to come from somewhere.

Between trying to figure all this out and finalizing a will & end of life paperwork (for class, but still hit me hard emotionally), study for exams, stay up on readings, prepare for a speech (um… got an A even with um… saying um… way more than um… I wanted to!) and doing photowalks, honoring soldiers and staying connected with friends, I AM BEAT.  My brain feels fried.  Deep fried.

Still no stopping now.  It may be my “weekend” but there is laundry to do, bags to pack, roads to travel with family waiting at the end to see.  Oh yeah… & homework. Lots and lots of homework.  With another exam waiting for me at 11 am on Monday.

this is my favorite mug. tends to always be dirty.

Thank goddess for the Keurig & pug snuggles.

Pugster Panic

The events of the past 48 hours have rocked my world.
Woke up like normal & got the birds new food & water, dressed, yelled for Baxter to get out of bed for the twentieth time… then when I got him out finally I was getting my shoes & find that he lost a toe nail on the way out of the bedroom. Not like part of the toe nail.. like the ENTIRE FRIGGIN NAIL! So of course when I let him back in he is bleeding ALL over the place. I was trying to catch him to see what the hell was going on & he was trying to go back to sleep. Lazy bum. So yes, blood in the bed, on the couch, the rugs, my cloths, the carpets, floor…. even the shower curtain! I tried to get the bleeding to stop but it wouldn’t. Compression, cleaned it with hydrogen peroxide & more compression… nothing but more blood. He acted like he felt fine but I know I wasn’t. Used some bandages I had leftover from my days of daily bandage changes & got changed quick from work clothes to jeans & a tee.
So I had to call in to work & take him to the vet. He was still bleeding there & they said there wasn’t anything else that I could have done at home. Had to leave him there for the day. Going to sedate him to suture up the opening & then trim all his other nails back deeper than normal. My lil buddy is going to be on antibiotics for a little bit but should be ok. Still no clue why it just popped off that way. She said she hadn’t see one do that before. Usually they break & dangle but this was the full nail.
Always good to clean up a house that looks like a crime scene, change clothes 3 times, run up a $200 bill & pop a klonapin all before going into work 2 hours late….
While at work I thought I would be smart & move the money I needed to pay the vet bill from savings to the credit card, then use the card. Make a payment & pay the bill with the same cash. Then I went to check to make sure I had the card with me….to find it EXPIRED in JANUARY! See how much I use that thing? so I tossed it back under the desk where my bag was and moved more money from savings to checking. Dang it!
FINALLY I got the call he was ready. FINALLY I got finished up with work. FINALLY I got across town to my lil hurt baby… reached in the purse to get the debit card & discovered no wallet. Searched the bag & the car to no avail. Yup back UNDER my desk it had missed going into the bag. So back across town through traffic. Thankfully I have an alarm code & key to the office because by then everyone had cleared out for the weekend.
So bill paid. Great report that he had been a perfect lil patient and was quite hesitant to want to wake from his afternoon nap to go. He had made a few more fans through the day. Poor guy looked so pitiful all bandaged up. Got the instructions for his pain killer/anti-inflammatory and antibiotics, scheduled the follow up appointment for Monday to have the bandage removed and headed on home to snuggle my poor buddy.
Well that was MY plan. Evidently he had other ones. Like just forgetting the whole healing thing. Did I mention that literally within 5 minutes of being home? Yes the expensive professional bandage was OFF. Little buggar decided Monday was far too far away to wait.
Back to my stash. Another bandage & tried to keep him calm. Kennel time. Lights out & after seeing he was ok, went to dinner with a friend.
Returned to find another bandage OFF. So back to the stash & rewrapping the paw. Gave him the medication as directed. Then on to bed. Snuggle time it was.
Nervously I didn’t even go for the Ambien. Besides after the day, I was exhausted.
Around 4:30 AM I nearly got scared to death. Woke up because it was WaaY too quite. No normal snoring. He was laying so still beside me I couldn’t feel him breathing. Felt him & couldn’t feel anything breath pulse nothing. Tears in my eyes I panicked thinking he had a reaction to the medication. Jumped up & cried out his name wiggling his head in my hands hoping to hear the snore I loved so much. The eyes opened. He had the biggest WHAT THE FUCK look on his face! I think if he could have moved to the couch for the night he would have! Guess the anti-inflammatory stuff helps his breathing & thus less snoring? Freaked me out but he seemed less than thrilled. It is really hard to sleep without that sound now! So I laid there for a while just feeling grateful for him in my life. Also thankful that the bandage was still on even if it had shimmied down a bit down the leg.
Plans were to head to my parents. The weekends ahead are packed with plans & it could be well into May before I have a weekend wide open.
With Baxter doped up, we weren’t quite sure how he would do with the other dogs. Would he stay calm? Then I realized, I wasn’t staying calm, why not go? I didn’t want to miss seeing the family. So we loaded up & rebandaged up… yes AGAIN. Halfway there it was already off again. Long road.
I’m beyond sick of trying to figure out how to keep it covered & clean. Even my sister with all her medical training had trouble in getting one to stay on. Although hers did stay on longest, several hours.
So here we are, at my sisters, on her laptop… wondering what fun tomorrow will bring. Crazy how quickly things change.
Whatever tomorrow has in store, come what may. For now I just look forward to another meal where we all sit around the table together & another night with a snuggled up pug by my side. Snore or no snore.

GOTCHA

Today, two years ago I rushed as fast as my car would go to go get my best friend…. BAXTER!

No clue what his birthday is or even really how old he actually is.  One of the downsides of rescues.  Never really know the whole story. Since we don’t know the birthday, we celebrate Baxter’s Gotcha Day!

He quickly hopped in my car December 26, 2009 & just smiled the whole way to his new home

What I do know is that some how he ended up out fending for himself before animal control got him & escorted him to the pound.  Someone else picked him up there & after figuring out her other dog wasn’t so great with him, he ended up with me.  He needed a place & I needed comfort after Badyn had started staying with my parents & I had gone through the attack a few weeks before. Win – win for us both.  Course I had no idea at the time how beautiful a prize I had brought home.

Never knew much about pugs, or even that they were anything other than the fawn ones with the dark face (think Frankie in Men in Black). But I knew he was good with birds, seemed to be enamored with me & the cuddly face I needed… & still do.

Right place at the right time.

Now I know a bit more about pugs

Pugs are an ancient Asian breed that once lived as pets in Buddhist monasteries in Tibet and were considered royalty themselves; they are, in fact, one of the oldest breeds dating back to 400 B.C.

In the 16th century, Pugs were the traditional pet of European royalty and can be seen in many old world paintings.

The wrinkly skin that Pugs are recognized by can actually be a health problem as dirt can get trapped under the wrinkles which can harbor bacteria that can cause an infection. Therefore, you should clean out the wrinkles on your Pug periodically.

Course I also learned that he WILL need to sleep as close as possible as often as possible.. unless you are recovering from surgery, in which case being in a place where he can see my face works.  His snorts can be misinterpreted by the other dogs as growls.  Most dogs are ok with this, but one rather large lady at my parents in particular isn’t so game with his funny noises.   Flips side is that his snoring at night is like a mini sound machine. When I don’t hear it, I miss it dearly.  My sister seemed both facinated & disgusted by another lil told pug fact – that when he “barks” (well tries to) his bumhole pokes out!  See won’t see that one on other websites! But its true.  This didn’t bug me as much as being warned that a traditional collar ran the risk of jerking hard on his neck if he tried to dash off.  Which could lead to losing an eye.  !??!?! Evidently they are prone to having their eyes pop out.  THANKFULLY he has deep set eyes for a pug & his risk isn’t so high, but I wouldn’t want him to get smacked in the back of the head with anything just to be on the safe side.

Pug companionship isn’t for everyone, but I can’t imagine life without him by my side right now.

So thankful that Baxter is in my life!

CHEERS! Here’s to many, many more years together.  Even on those days where we do nothing at all.

Now off to snuggle a bit & hopefully have a great night sleeping in our nice big bed, instead of on a couch… where yes, he HAD to sleep right on my legs & stay by my side til I woke each day.

“A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself.” ~ Josh Billings”

Such truth in these words.  Grateful for the loves on those days & everyday!

giddy

Just a simple post tonight.

Overwhelmed with pure joy.  Sitting her tonight addressing cards to family & looked up to see a face intently watching me.  I smile & ask “what?” & the tail goes WILD!

I love that with just a word & a look, I can bring pure joy.

Ain’t love grand?

No conditions, well maybe just that I promise to be around as much as I can.

Thank you universe for puppies.

I’m loving this pic from the past! Cracks me up. Thank you Baxter for being a good sport & all the love you give.

ME me Me

The past few days have been full throttle.  In a great way, but tiring none the less.

Work – intense, non stop, what more can I say? Steady & mind numbing at the end of the day.  Its as if the data base just hops into my head and the stops & starts of changing gears thru the day just wears down my mental energy.  I love it, but am still STUNNED by some of the people and the stunts.  Who brings a freshly smoked from bowl to the temp staffing agency to get a job? Oh I could tell you! They did admit to possession charges.  Guess the lesson wasn’t learned.

Got the chance to catch up with a few friends, even help one move the final bit of stuff to her new place – which I’m thrilled to say isn’t as far away (not that the other place was far!).  Always nice to get out and have dinner with friends.  Plus it was interesting to see how much the car held. No way all that would have fit into the convertible!  Even with the top down it would have been a no go.

Still looking at houses, still wondering what I am doing.  Although there have been a few more maybes added to the list.

Just feels like I haven’t had time to breath lately.  Even ended up turning my power nap yesterday into just a really sleep filled Friday night followed by a sleep through the night without any pills needed Saturday night!  Maybe now some normal energy?

Treated myself today to getting my hair cut & highlights added.  Money I have been putting off spending, but well spent.  Still second guessing these bangs.  Did them less this time, but I’m thinking….grow out.

Shame I didn’t treat myself to a favorite brunch spot today.  I had some re-editing of the layout of the book I’m getting ready for publishing (oh yes again – I’m learning a lot about what all it takes to get it right!) & decided to 2nd guess my taste buds.  I wanted to go sit and have an omelet or chicken sandwich or anything else off the menu, but thought… its the weekend lunch, they will be busy.  So I decided to drop in and pick up another place I like… chain but they have killer sweet tea.  Also HAD a turkey panini I liked.  So I got the baked potato with cheese and TRIED to order the typical smokey turkey & pepper jack panini without mustard – but the menu had changed.  It now came with bacon & is a “grilled sandwich” instead of “panini”.  No biggie, just hold the bacon & mustard, right? WRONG.  Evidently that made me needy.  The chick running the register had to ask if she could get it like that. WTF?  They did but I over heard another authoritative sounding server say  something to the effect of we can do it right now, but when it gets busier we can’t.  REALLY?  YOU add extra ingredients to something you previously had & I can’t get it without the extra? and face it, not everyone eats pork.  This includes the oh so trendy bacon – EVEN IN THE SOUTH.  Top of that, some people get the TURKEY options since they don’t eat pork.  I was miffed and already planning that this might be the last visit to this place in a looooong time.  Killer tea or not – if this is how they are changing no wonder it wasn’t busy at 11:45 on a Saturday afternoon.

Might as well have gotten some fast food sandwich with fries from my car.

So moral of the story.  Make time for the good stuff.  I’m POSITIVE if I had gone to where I would have gone they would have treated me with respect – like they do everyone.  Also the food would have been about 100 times better at the same if not less the amount of money spent.  So tomorrow…. I’m eating where I wanted to eat.  Treating myself to the good stuff.

Baxter’s impression of me…

 

 

Less than I had hoped for

We got Baxter new treats this weekend.

This morning I opened the box & tried to get him moving and distracted as I left for work.  His response was less than what I had hoped for.

Truth is he looks a bit like I did this morning when my paycheck hit the bank account.  “Thanks… is that really all I get?”  After the car payment there wasn’t very much left this week.  I still have to get used to this whole little checks coming at me every week rather than two big ones each month.  Why is it so hard to get used to?  Especially after a couple of no check months.  Stinks.

Starting to wonder if anything is ever as good as it is hoped for.

Is life always going to be a game of catch up?

If so, I’m not so sure I care to play by the rules.

Who knows.  Maybe I’m just getting jaded from having to be yelled by convicted felons who don’t seem to understand why I can’t find them a high paying, low stress or effort job to collect a paycheck from.  Seriously?  How does someone not get that companies require certain qualifications, skills and attitude from the people working for them?  Its really hard sometimes listening to people get angry with me for not dropping everything I am doing and put their needs in front of so many other people, most of which without the criminal backgrounds, just because they called and complained.  Sometimes I just want to scream back at them & ask if they actually even think about the way the people they hurt feel.  If they are able to get past it all and pay their bills.  If they ever even think about the effects of their actions and that the consequences might last beyond some court room drama scene.

Then I quietly remind myself – I have a job.  I have a paycheck.  I am fine.  …they are still human & I am lucky enough to not have a clue at what they are going through.  Just have to suck it up, listen & do what I can.  Its not my place to judge their actions or intentions, just qualifications.  The best I can do is to place the best person in the jobs I’ve been given to fill.

That and set aside a few bucks from the next paychecks for some bigger, better dog treats!