Mellowing Me

Dealing

images

A lot of crying.  Lot of anger. Lot of dreaming. Lot of hoping.
Few revisions of life.

Lucky to have family,  past and present who show me about survival.  And what real love looks like.  If my Dad can survive losing my mom and  If my grams can survive losing my grampa, after all those years of devotion and being together everyday, I can deal with losing someone who never cared for me an inch compared to their miles.

Relationships come and go, but when it is real, it stays and grows.

I still love him. But that will mellow.  I’m still angry that he could leave.  But that too will mellow in time. I cry for the memories of when we were together and I cry for the plans we had that will never happen.  I miss him during the night.  I miss him sharing meals (which I realized tonight may be part of why I have been forgetting to eat lately). I miss so much.

But there is so much changing in my life anyway that hopefully the distractions will keep me sane. If not there is still a closet and junk draw to clear out. Feeling another purge session. There is a freedom in letting go of the clutter in our lives.

My schedule is changing since the semester is over & summer session will be day classes.  Changing habits that I let slip trying to wait to get time to do them together. Pedometer goes back on today! I have a 5k coming up (in September, but surely there will be another before that). My lack of recent meditation sessions certainly can’t be blamed on him, but time to bring them back. Getting together with friends & accepting invites that before I would have wanted to check to see if “we” had plans or wanted to go. Photography has slipped away unless you can count phone shots, which while fun just isn’t the same. I’m journaling again & reading more. Helps the time pass.

Sooner or later it will feel better. Always does.

Also as much as I dread touching anything dosage wise after the last fiasco, we’re changing my meds again. See if it helps. Also going for a physical to see if there is anything else going on that may have changed things. Not sure I want a positive confirmation but with diagnosis you are more likely to better know how to treat.  Hope so. Scary but also I know something isn’t right. Figuring out how to make it better has to be better than just waiting for another meltdown.

IMG_598492949842605

Discovered another Ali who went through a breakup & changed it into a positive recently. Her blog, The Break Up List, chronicles her life changing from the pain of having a 9 year relationship end to the pleasures of creating a life lived to its fullest. She even continues the list beyond the original 100 things and keeps going years later. By living life by her list she kept herself and (spoiler alert, but come on anyone sees this coming) she finds a new relationship that respects and encourages who she is.

So who knows. Maybe I will take time to create my own list. Certainly wasn’t as earth shattering a split, but I do miss my friend. It is time for a reinvention. Refocus on getting back to me.

IMG_40572108598582

Advertisements

Relaxing #52Lists

Life can easily be overwhelming.

All too often life shows us how quickly it could take a turn when we least expect it.  Even more important to savor each moment and do the things that mean the most.

Spent the afternoon meditating by the ocean & for a little while last night sat and watched the waves roll in under the moonlight.

None of it makes any more since before, but I feel better.

Also delighted by a surprise in my mailbox.

2013-04-16_13-33-54_455

My Sseko sandals arrived!

Super happy about these.

Today’s topic for 52 Lists was perfectly timed – Things I Find Relaxing

relaxing

Should have added being snuggled up in comfy blankets and pillows with a snoring pug by my side.  Sure is relaxing right now.

Take it Slow, but Go

The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. –Walt Disney

Started the focus & a few baby steps to changing my thoughts.   As the year is winding down, I feel the need to think up a few new challenges for the next year.  Why I don’t know.  I work better when going toward a goal.  I have a bad habit of living in the future or the past.  Either excited about something upcoming or rethinking the things that have happened.  I need to learn to just shut down & enjoy.

My treadmill has been less than loved over the past year & frankly its time to change that.  Never have I been a runner, but I have dipped my toe into the habits now & then.

Growing up I was a dancer.  My exercise came from playing, spending several hours in the studio & a few more at home practicing steps and stretching or even in the pool.  Even as an adult I would prefer yoga over aerobics.  I like the calm, fluidity of it all.  Maybe that is why I like walking better than running.

That & I never got over the awkwardness of running.

In dance you feel beautiful.  Like you are connecting with the music & become part of the moment.

As I adapted to college and no longer being in the dancing world outside of a club’s dance floor, I remember thinking I would tag along with a then boyfriend when he decided he was going to start jogging again.  He understood running was nothing I was familiar with & offered to teach me.  Kind on his part, but his criticism was a tad harsher than expected.  Hearing that I ran weird was not encouraging.  Looking back I blame dance.  I was used to always staying on my toes – literally.  So I ran toe first… which is just weird.  No one runs with their feet like Barbie’s!  I now know its heel down, roll, push off with toes.  So yeah, I guess I did look a bit odd.  This was also a time frame where my main form of meditation happened in a tanning bed.

Training for a half marathon at Disney while dealing with the worst (I hope ever) experiences of agoraphobia didn’t inspire me to join the pack of runners in their high.  I focused on dealing with having to be in that massive heard of strangers more than dealing with the physical stuff.  I couldn’t breath thinking about all those random people around.  I worked out.  Habits were formed inside my house, but soon they too feel by the wayside.

Still part of me is determined to figure out why so many people love running.  Not just to get away, but to enjoy it.  Which is why today I cleaned off the feathers & cranked up the treadmill.  Goal was 15 minutes since it has been a while, but once I got going I ended up doing 30 minutes.  Hoping that tomorrow it feels easy again & I go just as long.  No tracking distance or pace.  For now its just in the doing.  The lacing up the shoes & moving.  No worrying about what the parrots or pug with think.  Just doing.

Hoping that soon I too will find the joy in the moving meditation.

But for now, I take it slow.  Knowing that over the years slow & steady does indeed win the race of time.  Day one down.  On to knowing that each one will need re-dedication and motivation.  I never got up on my old pointe shoes by just lacing them up.  Took time and practice to build up the callouses and muscles.  Its not easy, but its not so hard I can’t achieve this.

My word today is achieve & I know I can.  Just have to keep focused.

deep blue

There is so much truth in this.

Nothing can heal a soul like the sound of the ocean waves.  Even a soak in a tub or a few stolen moments under the running shower can make everything seems a little better. A cry with its ability to end just when you think it never will.  The peace of being worn out, soaked ready to drop.

Sweet release.

Drifting & floating off to a dream.

All in a day

What a day, what a day.

Applied to 12 more jobs.  Scheduled an interview for Friday, took the next steps for another job that I actually think would be amazing… next step I think is scheduling an interview once they process the paperwork.  & then there was the interview….

I can do this…

Oh sometimes you just have to step back & think… this just isn’t for me.  If my life was a sitcom, that one would certainly have been the most hilarious part of the day.  For their sake, I really hope it was just a really bad day at the office & that isn’t the norm around there.  Sadly I can’t take that chance.  PASS. If I wanted to move to negativity & stressed out city, then I could completely have taken them up on it.  But you know I prefer positivity.

So off to one of my favorite private meditation rooms – the tanning bed.  I missed it so.  Full body heating pad & a chance to relax in a warm quiet room.  Plus if I get an ok base tan I will refrain from getting burnt if I spend over 20 minutes in the sun.

Maybe it was the heat of the day, the stress of the interview chaos or just that so many thing are changing, but I found myself doing something I never thought I would do again.  I BOUGHT MYSELF a pint of ice cream.

the start of it all

Its official I no longer hate ice cream.  I totally blame the free gelato at Pizzetta’s for this change.  The reconciliation with ice cream is goooood.  So far Ben & Jerry may be the most perfect guys for me.  But no worries, I won’t be downing a carton at midnight watching sad lifetime movies anytime soon.  Promise not to be that cliche.

Course tonight the guys at Pizzetta’s surprised me with this….

…OMG nutella & a strawberry rose… aww…

DELISH!  As if the garlic knots & BBQ pizza wasn’t incredible enough, out of no where we get this delivered to the table.  They really are wonderful!  Even wondered where we had been this past weekend.  Trying to save cash is hard.  But splurging on a slice of pizza wasn’t too hard.

Meet a few great people at a networking event, which I have to say its a tad unnerving introducing yourself to people who successfully own their own GREAT businesses when you are currently not working or as I decided to say – I am currently a MUSE…. which is what I listed on my information card I dropped off with the casting agency today.  Occupation:  Muse (AKA unemployed at the moment).  Sounds so much more fun than just a bum for now.

But it was great hearing about their businesses & what better people to learn from than those who are actually DOING IT.

So what does the next few months hold?  Who knows.  If I’m lucky a few experiences & several paychecks.

& maybe even a new T-shirt along the way!

I so love this.

Rainbow Delight!

Sometimes the unexpected makes our days.

A few weeks back I purchased a gift for myself and I forgot if I did or not.  I debated on it a couple of times & with everything going on, I couldn’t remember if I had purchased it or decided to wait til later.

Turns out – I did! & yesterday in my mailbox the gift to myself arrived.

One of the Psychic Teachers (check out their podcasts & you might find them as amazing as I do!), makes these Chakra bags which are filled with stones to represent each chakra!

She KNITS them by hand!!!  Handmade just seems to be so much better sometimes & this time it certainly has more meaning to me.

One main reason I got the bag was for the 7 stones within.  I have been reconnecting with stones lately & found that this was a great way to add a few new ones to my collection.

Root Chakra – Jasper – protection

Sacral Chakra – Carnelian – courage

Solar Plexus Chakra – Citrine – success

Heart Chakra – Green Aventurine – luck

Throat Chakra – Blue Lace Agate – peace

Third Eye Chakra – Sodalite – wisdom

Crown Chakra – Amethyst – spirituality

so pretty, I adore them already!

I’m still working on understanding chakras. Used to completely think these were just new age hooey, but I’m starting to open up to the concepts & ideas.  After experiencing a few meditations that open, cleanse & close each chakra, I see the value in the concepts.  I’m learning.

Also loved the suggested crystal readings she shows on her page!

I tried the 3 stone version on a question I had…

past - present - future

I’m pretty ok with that reading.  Certainly makes sense in the answers given to the question. 😉

Basically it is similar to a simplified runes reading.

You think on a question & pull a rock out for your past, present & future.  Each stone has meaning.

So wonder what delightful surprizes today has in store for me?

I know one thing, tonight I have scheduled a laughter date with myself.  Got a cheap seat to go see Etta May at Thalian Hall.  I adore visiting the historic building and really can’t remember ever going to see a comic perform other than Carrot Top.  So I’m taking myself.  Who can’t use a bit more laughter in their life?

Ready? Aim. Update!

A while back I set a few targets to aim at.

In the spirit of the Spring Equinox, time to check back in.

Health

According to my psychiatrist, I am doing great mentally!

Physically, well I just keep putting off getting in shape.  How very American of me.  Call it my way of showing patriotism.

I did get health insurance, I think since they deducted the amount in my account to cover the payment, so I will be planning a check up and my annual girly visit soon.  Also am hoping will be giving the treadmill a workout more often this spring.

Money

Certainly not where I was.

Can’t say this is improved, but I am hopeful.

My uncle’s car has sold.  I continue to be able to pay my bills, but the extra money is tight to non-existent at the moment.  Still I don’t feel like I am to the point of selling off body parts to maintain my hobby of eating regularly.

Relationships

Cupid you seriously can be so stupid.

For whatever reason one person continues to stay on the outskirts of my life.  Still unsure why we keep each other at that distance.  Is it we know we would never work out or the deep fear that we would? Who knows.

Still I continue to date.  Met a few guys over the past couple of months, but no one that has gotten past a quick kiss goodnight or friendship status.

Still gaining in closeness with my family & REALLY grateful that we are all able to spend more time together.

Spirituality

The low hum has revved up to a loud chant at a full moon fire side ceremony!

So much more actively growing in this aspect.

Ask & the doors open.

I have connected with so many people that continue to enrich my studies, remind me of what is possible, available & beautiful in life.

Giving

The challenge at the moment is learning to give – without thinking in terms of money.  I am decluttering (365 Days, at least one item per day) but its hard to think of giving outside monetary gifts.

I almost started working at the Red Cross as a volunteer, but at the last moment it didn’t work out with my schedule.  I may still find a way to give some time there or just figure out a way to donate somewhere else.

This needs to be a better focus.

Hobbies

Still struggling to get back into cooking for fun & sewing/quilting, but other than a few moments I just don’t seem to hear the muse when the space & time are there to work.  Same can be said for the pendants. Thankfully I got one to my sister, but haven’t finished many more.  Harder to come up with the design inside the pendant & what to do with the completed ones.

Photography I have decided will always be a hobby & never a career.  I devoted time to the local camera group & adore a few friends I have made through there, but unfortunately I don’t enjoy the events anymore.  Being “in charge” of organizing has taken the fun.  Other participants expect more than just showing up & having fun like we used to.  As the club grows in size, new members seem to want a host for the event & find some strange joy in complaining about various things that happen to go wrong.  I’m over listening to people unload their stresses.   Giving it a bit of time and hoping I can renew my enthusiasm soon.  Til then I am LOVING capturing the sights of life & have my own photo challenge to keep me busy.

Home

So much of this renovation project has been put on hold.  Can’t really see the logic behind spending money on it while not working, yet when I do work, I don’t have time to work on the house.  Still working on clearing out the unneeded, but when it comes to projects…..

Also at a standstill.  Thought it would be great to get some flooring down in the bedroom.  Just a start.  Maybe even get the paint on the walls.  Wouldn’t be too expensive & I could do it while I had time.

My ideas would have been get the IKEA Tundra flooring in white.  I visited IKEA with my family & while I loved the look of it & ease of application, they argued that it looked cheap & wouldn’t last.  …well I am hoping to sell the house within the next decade & move, let the next people decide what floor they love & put it in.  This stuff is a floating floor so it wouldn’t be damaging the concrete flooring underneath.  Seems win win to me.

NOPE.  Just to me.

Everyone else is in love with the look of wood.  I am over it.  Its everywhere.  I want white.  NOT white washed, white.  Not birch or bamboo look, WHITE.  I’m out numbered, even though its my own house! Also they thing we should do the WHOLE HOUSE at one time! Suddenly my bedroom project is becoming a move everything out of the house & find another place to live for a while & let professionals do it for me project.  (Why?)

So tile instead of wood?  I like tile. Have wanted it for my living room for a while – slate in the various colors.  Still outnumbered.  They are open to tile possibly but not the tiles I wanted. Plus I don’t want the dark tiles in the bedroom! Its great for a larger room, but the smaller room needs a lighter look I think.  The suggestion of beige tiles through out was brought up.  Bleh-aysh… I really like beige about as much as having the underwire of my bra poke me all day.  I tolerate it, but would I want to sign up purposely for it? NO!  Tile can be beautiful but can I have something that doesn’t remind me of doctors exam rooms or school cafeterias?

My grandfather made a living laying tile.  If only I had learned the art from him.  I would give the world to have him right now.  He would know exactly what tile would work & probably help me have the two different looks in the two different rooms that are used for two very different reasons.

So… no go on the floors for now.  ….unless I just sneak & do it myself.  Which I may have to in order to avoid the blah of beige or the splinter in my eye of the wood look in a room I do not have any desire to have it in.

On a better note, I may have a bed by June.  A friend is moving & needs to get rid of a queen set so she doesn’t have to haul it from the Atlantic coast to the Pacific!  It will be used, but it will be bigger than this twin Baxter & I cram into nightly now.

Work

Still searching for the holy grail.

A paycheck doing something that I love doing.

Left the job.  No more steady paycheck.  Still open to what life is going to put in front of me to learn from now.

Wish me luck!