I’m crashing from the high – I’m letting go tonight

Trust.

Who doesn’t have issue with it during their lives? If there are people who actually have missed this painful of all life lessons, they truly are the blessed ones. I however find I keep retaking the test. Perhaps one day I will pass, but I can at least know that I have given everything I have where I have felt it was needed or deserved. I have tried to help overcome mistakes that were never mine in the first place & find it just leaves me depleted and angry at myself.
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Evolving has never been a bad thing in my eyes. Maybe it is growing up but at some point past just doesn’t fit into the present or lead you into a future. Shedding off the old unveils the person you were meant to be during the here and now. Even if it isn’t the easiest to accept.

The clutter of trying to be empathetic and understanding of others at times will suffocate if you don’t make sure to keep your head up and stand on your own now and then. The past week I found myself exhausted and realized most of my energy was being expended trying to help various people who I valued in my life. Having one event that I wanted to attend gave me a realization. I was pulled in so many directions that everything else ended up coming first. A sacrifice I made and knew I was making it when I made it. Still anything for friends. Then I realized through several interactions with a couple of people that it all just drained & depressed me. Conversations gave me reality checks that this isn’t me. Maybe it was, but that kind of life was just shackling me to the past. The negativity grew and never feels right.

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I exploded.

Several times in ways that stretched from angry texts to taking the neighbor stealing my recycling bin as a personal attack. Yes I got it back & let them know that it WILL never end up in their yard again without consequences. Forgot how intimidating I can be when it is needed. In Kali feels good to release now and then.  Only through the destruction can you be free to create what you dream. Why I keep forgetting or keep thinking I need to hold fast to everything in hopes that it will once again bring the joy it had I never know. My flaw.

But now I am WIDE AWAKE.

Grateful for the people who reciprocate the respect. No one should ever be used or abused. When the relationship turns, it is time to toss it out. The things that are meant to be will be. No rules state that you can’t reconnect later in life when you are both in better places. Won’t be the same connection, but if you truly are able to support each other in becoming the best you can be then why not? Only by freeing the space do you open up life to fill it with the good stuff of the present. Step into where you should be now.

It feels divine.

 

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the 10 Day YOU Challenge: 7 & the DietBet results

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10-Day-You-Challenge

 

7 WANTS:

( will skip the obvious stuff like true love, world peace, cure for cancer, perfect health for all & stick to the materialistic stuff. Also great job & dream home on the beach are pretty much assumed right along side ability to swim like a mermaid & communicate with all species! Rest assured when I dream, I dream bigger than a list of 7 so I will limit it to items that can actually be purchased.)

7. This jeep. Love the color and quite frankly I am dying to get something with 4 wheel drive to get out to the North End areas of the beach to go camping & just relax in general. Sure I go to all the other beaches, but I want to be able to drive there too.

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ok pink or purple also would be awesome… black is good too.  Maybe I need to think more on this. But of the fun!

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6. Panthers jersey…. & of course a primo seat with season tickets.

5. Aviary greenhouse combo. Something where beautiful tropical plants can grow & a place where the parrots can get out & enjoy being “outside” but safely.  My own lil paradise.

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4. My own dance studio. Some space to just move around and work out. Barre, mirrored wall to check form when needed, pole & of course a great sound system & a weight bench over in a corner. Would be bliss. I miss the stretching involved in ballet dancing, the release of getting into the music & the strength that came from learning various pole moves.

3. New dish set that magically clean themselves after use. Too much to ask for? They don’t already make those? Why not?

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Ok so I guess just a fun new set of salad plates to have fun with would work too.

2. A boat.  No not just any boat, I want one I can enjoy & travel a bit on. Some space below to sleep.

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Like a ticket to the world. Plus imagine the adventures & the views!

1. All my memories.  Well organized. I wish we had organized all the photos we have taken over the years & made more notes along the way. Noted who was who & what date they were taken, where… all the details we forget. Hoping to start something better than just the old tote full of envelopes or the old peel and stick photo albums, although they are certainly a start. Wild how much work it can be all at once but if we just had done it along the way. No time like the present.

I could dream all day & actually have been thinking about this post several days. So much to desire in life, but also hit me how much I already have. I’m grateful for everything and that at times I have more than enough and am able to share. But oh what fun to dream!

Everything starts with a dream & thankfully I have happy news to report: I won my DietBet!

Baxter was happy too!

Baxter was happy too!

Not sure what the amount won will be, but I lost 14 lbs instead of the 8 lbs that was required. That in itself makes me a winner.  Will find out more after everyone’s outcomes have been verified & they determine how many people won. I have been verified so I am in! There were 1,10 people last I checked so that is a lot of people to verify!  & yes that means a pot of $25,250 to split up.

Hopefully the big payoff will be with improved medical tests when I return to the doctor. Either way I am celebrating with feeling great (& maybe buying myself something non-food). Need to dream more.

On the search for a new bet to place. Certainly can reinvest in myself, because I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.

You Just Can’t Make Life Up

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There is one great truth to life, it will always pop up with something unexpected. You can plan every detail you want but surprises appear along the way.

Dating again (or at least trying to) is no exemption to this law.

The dating site profiles are back up. The insanely crude messages are coming in as it seems is par for the territory of meeting people while not actually meeting them. Along with the expected comes the unreal that I never could have thought of. Like the guy who claims to be a secret agent with the Army stationed currently in Nigeria (riiiight, guess that secret part escaped him).  Tried to just ignore him, but it got the best of me when he asked what I did for a living. My reply of “leading an intergalactic rebellion” just got a “I do not understand your work” & a delete of his messages.

A few nice guys have popped up. But so far nothing that really connects. Still I am proud to be getting back out there and trying. Still feel a bit jaded and annoyed at the irresponsibility of all the insincerity that I trusted from Mr Man, but time heals. Hopefully at some point I will meet someone who is on my level and enjoys my company as much as I do their’s.  So far it has been fun having some unique conversations and just feeling wanted again. I’m in no rush to get physical but I imagine in time that will change with the right guy too.

So for now I am just spending as much time making myself happy as I can. Lots of beach time & working on the list of things to do.

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Well that & trying to figure out how to lose the tan lines without being arrested for indecent exposure. Missing my tanning bed this year, but loving being at the beach more. Yes I am using sunscreen, but still the lines come.

Classes started back this week to there is added distraction there that I am grateful for. Who knows where this summer will lead. It promises to be memorable. I’m trusting that I am exactly where I need to be right now & that my path is unrolling as it should be. I just have to trust and keep walking even if I can’t see the road for the turns up ahead.

Earth Day – Grab that butt

Today I start a new adventure.

A challenge.

One I really hope that others join me on.

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In honor of Earth Day, I pledge to pick up one piece of litter everyday for the next year.

Could be a plastic bag, cigarette butt, straw or whatever is found to be laying around. Of course picking up more than one piece would be even better, but can you imagine if each and every person on this planet picked up one single piece a day? Together we would literally change the world and save lives.

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So will you join me? Maybe bring along a few friends to join the challenge. Together we CAN make a difference.

But wait, is it really that big a deal? I mean I walk outside & I see plenty of trash cans & plenty of grass. Is litter really a big deal?

YES.

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Face it, people are lazy or they just simply don’t even realize they dropped something or the wind blows it out of reach… life happens. The problem lies in the “it isn’t my job or my stuff littering, so I don’t need to worry about it” attitude. You are right in that it may not be anything you caused or created, but we are all living together. So be kind and help out by tossing those left behind items where they belong.

The blame game doesn’t get us anywhere, but action will.

This is a simple act that absolutely anyone who shares life on this planet can easily do. Just takes a few seconds and doesn’t cost a single cent. All it takes is motivation and dedication to make where you live a bit better. Increase the property value of Earth and feel great while doing it.

So can you join me? In honor of our beautiful planet.

Day One - piece number one, right in my yard. yuck!

Day One – piece number one, right in my yard. yuck!

Let’s clean it up.

As they say, this is the only home we have.

Happy Earth Day!

Hope and Determination

So much changes so fast.

This time last week, I felt my life slipping away from me. Today I awoke with a spark.

More optimistic even if things aren’t perfect.

Mr Man & I have had some long talks and who knows where things will end up. What I do know is it is very hard to deal with depression from the inside, but it is also very difficult to deal with as someone who wants to support and make life better & can’t. There are some trust issues for both of us, but I think we both have good intentions. Time will tell if we work together or if we really just can’t be good influences on each other. Still stings but understanding the reasons and getting apologies certainly helps. Living together is tough even without the added stress.

Face it. We are both a bit nuts.

Face it. We are both a bit nuts.

Other than the stress of having him leave, neither one of us has done anything that would be a deal breaker. I can forgive a lot if there are good intentions behind it. I’m a bit cautious but part of having an adult relationship is working through the tough parts. Both of us being stubborn and used to being in control doesn’t help. We have both been hurt in the past. Our choices now are all that matter. For now the positives of being together outweigh the positives of being apart. So we take it day by day.

Having his stuff out has enabled me to take a better look at my stuff & question why there is so much of it! I swear the clothes in my closet multiply on their own. Feel like I just went through them & purged but clearly the space filled up again and it’s time to go through them again.

Call it Spring Cleaning or sanity saving diversion, the stuff has got to go. In the closet & out. Fixing up the bedroom just allowed me to neglect the other areas of the house. Problem with a great bed is you never want to leave it. Especially when the TV with the Roku is in here. Could just be that I enjoy the green walls so much better than those old white ones.

My goal is to reorganize and maybe even move furniture around.

I can’t change the past, but I know that I can shape the future. So that is where I am placing my energy, focusing on where I want to go, being who I want to be.

Fingers crossed.

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32 Flavors and Then Some

ARRRGGHH!

Not going to even vent here.  Life… it is certainly taking a change in so many ways.  Guess someone has to shake the globe once in a while to keep the glitter falling.  Yeah.  Just got to trust, keep going & hope there are much better days ahead.

Instead of being a grumpopotamus like I feel, I’m taking a page from Run Like a G! and listing 32 Things That Make Me Happy. (No particular order, but the first two are certainly tops in my eyes!)

1.  Baxter

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I don’t even know how I got so lucky to have this dog in my life.

2. My Nephew

This kid’s snuggles are indeed pure magic. He has scared us silly at times, but he finds a way to suck it up & stop crying even if his head does still hurt from the fall.  I don’t even know where I would be if I didn’t get to see his face light up when he sees his Aunt Ali.

3.  Parrots

The divas of the animal kingdom. They live life like rock stars but they are social and care deeply for those they claim.

4.  Social Media

Grateful for the release of saying what I want to say & knowing someone out there knows the feeling or can relate.  Love having so many friends available at just the stroke of a few keys.  Connections that I never would have had otherwise. Truly a blessing for introverts.

5.  Frozen

FINALLY got around to watching it. Actually my sister & I finally found time to watch it together.

Yes. It was worth the wait.  Still I don’t want to build a snowman, because that would require snow…. & snow is cold. I don’t enjoy cold.

6.  Beach Days

"FROZEN" (Pictured) OLAF. ©2013 Disney. All Rights Reserved.

So thankful lately for the comfort of the warm sun shining down as I watch the waves roll in. No better therapy sometimes.

7.  Silence

As beautiful as some sounds are, there is so much peace in silence.  Sometimes I just need it.

8.  Glitter

Sparkle in the mundane.  Enough said.

9.  Spring

Fall is my favorite season, but Spring is a close second.  Temperatures are blissful.  Everything is so new and green.  Hope in the air. Renewal.  Like life suddenly screaming “& I’m baaaack!” after the crushing winter.

10.  Soft blankets

At night a girl just needs to feel cozy and warm.

11.  Family

Being around someone who didn’t have the gift of family has made me appreciate the time with mine even more.  Never thought I could after losing mom, but yes even more now.  So lucky to have so many memories and so lucky for the opportunity to make more.

12.  Classes are nearly over for the semester

I am struggling & ready for a break and a chance to hit the restart button. Just too much recently.

13.  Senses

To help me connect with everything around me & experience the uniqueness of it all.  They trigger comforting memories, even if it means now & then I can tell when the munchkin has a full diaper.  (Jeez I have no idea what they fed this kid, but daaang.)

14.  Stars

Twinkling & giving the sky its patterns. Love them.  Always good to make a wish now & then.

15.  Colors

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Seriously can you imagine a black and white world?  Dullsville.

16. Coloring

Actually how much fun is it to just color. Just make a small piece of paper more beautiful.  Even if only for temporary enjoyment only seen by me.

17.  Breezes

The earth just feels so alive when a breeze blows by.  Cool breeze, warm breeze, just feels heavenly.

18. Therapy

Grateful to live in a world where there is help when you need it.

19.  Spirals

Just because they do make me happy.

20.  Moss

There is a mossy patch at my parents place that ever since I can remember, I have loved kicking of my shoes & walking on. Just blissful feeling. If only carpet felt so good.

21.  Sore muscles

Maybe they don’t make me happy per se, but they can make you feel pretty bad ass knowing you have pushed yourself.

22.  Pinterest

because I am an addict & it is so inspiring anytime of day for any mood.

23.  Peanut Sauce

as in thai peanut sauce.  I think I could drink the stuff.  Soon I am treating myself to a couple of mango spring rolls from my favorite place and smothering them in peanut sauce.

24.  Rain

My father is complaining that it is supposed to start raining anytime now.  Mr Man would always complain about rain since it stopped his ability to work, now that I am single…. I don’t care if it rains or not.  In fact I am just glad that it isn’t going to be snow.  My Dad,  the snow lover, wasn’t thrilled when that was my response.  “As least it isn’t snow!”

25.  Water

Just in general be it rain, ability to shower, to drink, to swim… the stuff just rocks!

26.  Bottle of Nail Polish

I’m not a professional manicure girl.  Give me a simple color to do on my own.  It is relaxing and just makes me feel a bit more girlie and pampered.  Quick, easy & low cost pick me up.

27.  Dandelion Wishes

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The thrill of picking a couple of dandelions and showing my nephew how you can blow the balls of fluff into a dizzing army of lil paratroopers gliding all over the grassy yard.  So much fun.

28.  Laughter

Nothing like it.  Not a single thing.  It is contagious and feels great to hear or to do.  Plus it’s free!  What’s not to love?

29.  Plants

I need to get back into indoor plants.  I’m sure my house would feel more homey if I did.  Glad I planted a few herbs and veggies this year.  We shall see if they actually grow, but so far so good.

30.  Rainbow Sherbet

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31.  Hope

The future might not be what I thought it might be, but there will be one.  Whatever lies ahead will be what is best for me.  I don’t ever want to force anyone who doesn’t want to be there into it.  Surprises may be the only constant in life.

32.  My Meds

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& the reminders that get me to take them.  Already starting to feel a bit better.  Wish I could say that I feel happy, but I’m just sad and a bit heartbroken for the rejection.  Still I am getting better and feeling less zapped if that makes any sense.  Soon.  Very soon.

Then who knows.  Maybe I will do this list again.

Po-tay-to po-tah-to

Let me start by saying I am a lucky girl.

To have help and companionship around the house now is making it feel like home again and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  Sorry still glowing and appreciating it all even a month into this living together thing!

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That being said, being a roommate (amongst other titles) it is an adjustment.

Communication is everything to relationships, in so many ways.

Mr Man & I decided to try to give the week nights some planning.  He works everyday til around 5 pm & 3 out of the 5 days I have to be in classes starting at 6 pm. Waiting to see what the other wants to do for dinner or if they already ate can be trying.  Then we play the “I dunno, what are you in the mood for?” game everyone plays.  We have to problem figuring out, but I feel bad those nights he waits til after 8 to hear what I want for dinner.  It can be a long time from lunch sometimes.  So we made a plan.  A lunches and couple of nights we are on our own to grab something somewhere or make sandwiches.  Then we planned out meals for the other nights.  Gives us a chance to try new recipes and show off ones we each know.

Did I mention how lucky I am?  Yes he also cooks!  So we share the duties and planning.  This alone makes me feel cared for.

I made a list of ingredients needed and since the next night was one where I had class, he offered to shop on his own.  (SCORE! I don’t have to go!)

Evidently we didn’t plan as well as I had thought.

When I woke and decided to make a sandwich for lunch, I found the turkey, the cheese, the whole wheat bread and then this….

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yup CANNED spinach.

Not quite sure how that is going to work for sandwiches!  In making the list I forgot to say FRESH spinach. Spinach that would be used for sandwiches, smoothies and then any leftover could be cooked as a side.  Big difference.

Seems as far as being domestic, I have some learning to do.

We had a good laugh about it & now I’m not sure I will ever be able to open that can.  Something seems right about tucking it into the back as a reminder that to get what I want, I have to ask clearly.  Every time I see it, it makes me giggle.