So late last night in my wee morning crankiness it hit me.
…no not the ambien, that came a few moments later, but the thought that I went from so confident & ready for a new adventure to feeling hopeless & lousy.
I think its because when I made the decision to leave my last job, the world appeared to be opening wide. Ready to embrace any dream I could toss its way & follow like a kite. By doing something for myself I was showing how much I valued myself. I had dreams of making my home more of what I would like. Had ideas of new jobs where what I did made a difference & I would be respected. I also had a purpose to my days. Job seeking is a full time (with overtime) position if you are doing it right. I also was loving getting closer with my family. Restrictions were gone.
BUT then reality hit.
I landed a job. Sounded great but reality is that its further away from home than I want – which means HIGH gas bills on less of a paycheck & more time away from Baxter, who is barely used to ANY time away from me. 😦 The great benefits & chance to learn new skills and experience in a setting unlike any other is a big pro. With taking the position, I slammed the door on all the other maybes.
Now I see how much I adored the maybes.
Still another downer has been that I can’t get the work done around the house since spending money without making money is not smart business. So project on hold & with the lower pay & higher gas cost, I’m starting to doubt that vision will ever be achieved. This is probably GREAT news to my family, who seemed to hate every aspect of it anyway.
That has been another eye opener. Funny how trying to live your life in anyway other than the “expected” is frowned upon. As unemployed, I’m expected to be worried, panicked & saving every dime. Instead I felt empowered & free. A vacation I really needed sounded perfect! Live the moments I have missed hiding behind a desk. Nothing crazy, but lunch at a favorite dining spot or a day trip didn’t seem out of the question to me.
Guess I’m just mourning the loss of the freedom, the dreams & sad that in times where I thought I would have been supported, I was instead looked upon as I had lost my mind. Nope actually I think I was finally IN MY MIND.
Happiness is bliss.
& soon I will find my way back there. Just have to find my balance.
For now I just need to pull a Houdini on this trapped feeling. Free my heart to dance amongst the stars in its rightful place. Forget the ties that bind. Heart strings can keep you alive or they can weight you down. For now, I just need to be me again.
Maybe one day I will find a way to make the things that make me happiest, be the things that sustain me… emotionally AND financially.
Til then I just want something that doesn’t make me feel like I am selling my soul… or worse my spirit.