I’m not OK, I’m going 5K

Actually I am better than ok.  Wonderful weekend with a chance to see more of my favorite people than I ever could have if we planned it.  Love those moments that just happen.  Never realize how much you miss people til you are around them again & remember how incredible they are.

Thankfully I got in some time in the sand & was lucky enough to spot a few shooting stars to wish on.

Perfect weekend to end the summer.  As of Friday, it is back to classes.  Which meant getting the notebooks, files & textbooks.  Bring life back into focus.

So why not toss in another event?

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Need something to work towards.

Another chance to push my limits, physically and psychologically.  I expect this event will draw a huge crowd which means I get to face the fears.

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Every year I watch as one of my favorite Carolina Panthers enthusiastically encourages a group to participate in the Charlotte Susan G. Komen walk.  The event hits home since his own mother has battled breast cancer.  From her ability to overcome & his unending support, I find inspiration.  Wish my mom was around to help me  so much lately & there are so many times I wished her cancer was one as well known as breast cancer.  Maybe then doctors would know more or have had more of a chance.  Still so many women (& men) lose their fights that I in no way mean to insinuate that it is an easier war to wage – cancer is a bitch, no matter where it hits.

This year, I joined the team.

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Officially part of the Williams’ Warriors!

Will be doing the 5k this year instead of just being in awe & supporting from afar. So excited!  Looking forward to joining others for the Race for a Cure event October 5th, 2013 in uptown/downtown/center city whatever you want to call it Charlotte, NC!

Promise I won’t constantly bug people requesting money, but I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE any & all support.  For everyone who raises $100 via their site, they get this year’s tee shirt from the event & you KNOW I want it.  So chip in if you can.  Even a couple of quarters would make me smile…promise.  It all adds up.  Just like I keep reminding myself that each step gets me further along.

You can help me here.

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Popping Open a Beer Before Noon

I give you… BUTTERY SOFT BEER BREAD!

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It may be Superbowl Sunday, but I haven’t popped open a beer before lunch in a long time!  Instead I baked bread.

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Thanks to Veronica’s Cornucopia for the recipe. 

 It was quick & easy like I needed today.  Was able to get the batter mixed up with ingredients already in the kitchen, loaf popped in the oven & even got in a shower while Mom napped this morning.

Best part is it was soft enough for even Mom to enjoy!

Ok. Enough domestic time, on to the super bowl fun.  Going to my sister & brother in law’s for their party and some just time to veg out a bit.  Hoping all stays well and calm. I don’t even care who wins.  Just time relaxing and nibbling on food I don’t even have to cook for a change.

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BUTTERY SOFT BEER BREAD

(from Veronica’s cornucopia)

3 cups self-rising flour
1/4 cup sugar
1 (12-oz) can beer
1 stick (1/2 cup) salted butter, melted
1 egg, beaten

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Spray a loaf pan with cooking spray and set aside.

Whisk the flour and sugar together in a large bowl. Add beer, butter, and the egg, and whisk well to combine. Pour into the prepared pan and bake for 45-50 minutes or until golden brown. Remove from pan and cool on a wire rack for at least 15 minutes before slicing.

1. Recipesee above! Buttery Soft Beer Bread
2. Writing: 3,089 words in past two days! Haven’t even started today.  Seems I may need to readjust this goal if things keep going the way they are!  
3. OceanWednesday study session

Kicking Off a Few Wishes

As I sit snuggling with the pug, listening to the parrots chatter on about whatever it is they are excited about, sipping on the last bit of pumpkin spice coffee… it hits me.  Today some pretty big wishes are scheduled to come true!

A dear friend is scheduled to arrive safely back from his deployment as a Chinook pilot in Afghanistan.  To say there weren’t moments where we both had doubts he would be coming back in one piece would be a lie.  Think about the dangers of flying a large barge thru territories where people are hiding out just watching & waiting to be able to take aim & get the story to brag about.  Imagine the daily sounds of whistling projectiles and alarms knowing that at anytime one may be coming your way.  Not sure there is any way to prepare anyone for spending over a year in a tent in a war zone, but there are plenty of ways to prepare for a homecoming!  He is lucky enough to have a few things planned and at some point we are going to take a day to just relax by the waves and enjoy sipping on booze – two things he dearly missed.  Certainly a great thing to celebrate & thankfully its not something that happens every day.  Also not over looking the relief that comes from being able to finally say none of my family and friends are currently deployed! (Something that will most likely change in the near future, but I will enjoy it while I can.)  Proud that they do what they can when asked and proud that come home safely when the torch is passed.

We are so ready!

Still hitting a bit more personal to me, today marks the start of the 2012 Carolina Panthers season!  NFL starts TODAY!  Ever since the last game ended, I have dreamed of the day when Sundays get their magic back.  Just something so special about Sundays in fall with football.  PANTHERS football.  While I wish I could be in the stands watching live in Tampa, I am grateful that I can watch from the comfort of my house with Baxter – yes we are both in Panthers Jerseys!  So excited to get back to game days & all the excitement of watching the guys do what they do best.  This year promises to be one to remember!

There are many wishes that don’t come true, some we should be grateful for the that fact, but we also need to take a few moments to be grateful for all the little & big things that do come true.  I’m a big fan of making wishes every chance you get.  If you pass up blowing out candles on your birthday, wishing on the first star spotted of the night or on any random eyelash that comes out…. well you aren’t me.  Sure you don’t need reasons to make a wish, but it is so much fun.

For me, I’m ready to celebrate and make a few more wishes!  Like for a great game, no injuries, our first Win & maybe this to wear soon.

Looking forward to an incredible year with lots of great times!  Hopefully at least one game I will be there in the stadium to watch live.  Til then, Baxter & I are READY to support from the coast!

GO PANTHERS!

Return

Some days just should be labeled with a Word of the Day.  Today’s would be return.  Everytime I turn around I found myself using it.

Returned from another Charlotte trek late last night and ended up starting the day later than I thought I would have.

Also one of the things that I deal with from time to time is nightmares.  The ambien cuts them down big time, but occassionally I still have one or two slip in.  Since adding Baxter to my life several years ago there are nights where I find myself being awoken from the terror to a lil black worried face staring at me & snuggling close.  Doubt this qualifies him as a service dog, but it certainly earns his keep in my eyes.  Last night as I was up late catching up on emails and missed episodes of the Daily Show, I got to return the favor.  Started out as the typical Baxter dozing off and snoring away.  After a while the snores switched into a different mode.  Then I got to see something I had never seen him do before – he stretched out & up and HOWLED.  Like a wolf at a full moon…. while STILL asleep.  The first couple of times I just watched in awe.  He’s a pug & far from wolf-like.  Guess in his mind last night he was the beast within.

Since it just didn’t seem right, I snuggled up & started calling him.  He didn’t react at first but soon slowly came around & looked at me.  Can’t help but wonder if I had returned the favor.  Thankfully he & I both got to sleep not long after.

School is starting back up Monday & I’m starting to feel nervous again about being back in classes – full time.  Summer session was great, but this is going to be 5 classes to keep up with instead of just the two I had to focus on then.  Got the book this afternoon.  All but one that is out of stock.  May have to order it online after all.  All I can say it how thankful I am for that grant!  These things are expensive.  But I am ready to go back…. I think.

still kinda feel like a giddy girl getting ready for school to start.

Also got the news that my cousin has safely returned from his latest deployment!  Proud of him, but grateful for him to be back and about to be able to enjoy sometime doing whatever he chooses without the threats around every corner.  Chatting with another friend over there makes it all too real.  I know some areas are worse than others as far as activity, but it feels good knowing he is back.  Thankfully soon the friend will be too.

I’m of the opinion that sometimes the best thing to heal the fear is to jump back in and in that line of thought, am open to dating.  No real desire to yet, but figure its going to take a while to find someone I click with again.  Hopefully its the last time I have to activate a dating profile but why not?  Well today is why not.  Those guys are crazy.  Plenty of Freaks is more like it.  Not going to get into specifics but lets just say there are two more profiles on my blocked list.  The things people will say on there!  I may be the odd one out but for me, its not first come gets the job.  I want something real.  Someone I can communicate with and respect while having a blast and dealing with life side by side.  Seems to search for the diamond in the ball pit means risking sticking my hand in half eaten candy or vomit.  Still I have found myself this far, why not just keep falling down the rabbit hole to see what is on the otherside.  Just not going to get any hopes up anytime soon.

so very college dorm cool.

Just taking each moment as it comes.  Had to fathom that at the begining of a month I had thought I had it all together and was sharing life with someone wonderful.  Now I see that it wasn’t so great & although we both have our awesome points, together it doesn’t make extreme awesomeness.  Hoping that apart we both can get back to living life happily ever after in our own ways.  Just still makes me wonder how people do it.  Is it really just being dedicated to each other no matter what or does some have it easier than others.  I know to become a we from a he & a me there has to be compromise & change, but I have to think that some combinations of compromises are easier for each than others.  Hoping so anyway.  I don’t think anyone is unworthy of love  (ok maybe those people who hurt kids or disown dogs, cats & birds… ).  There has to be someone out there for each of us.  Just not sure we always know what we should be keeping out eyes open for.

So for now, I am going to let the ambien take me away.  Close the eyes and snuggle up with Baxter.  Maybe we both can be nightmare free tonight.

Stuck Rambling in this Holding Pattern Waiting for the Green Light

Ever feel like you fell asleep on the bus of life and just missed your stop?  The wheels keep turning and you realize you need to exit, but just aren’t sure where.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I remember an episode of Dead Like Me, where Georgia decides to let someone live who she should have reaped.  Ends up backfiring on her.  The person lives, but since it was past their “time” there are repercussions and it turns into something that never should have happened & bring a certain negative side and corruption.  More people die earlier than planned due to side effects of one person living longer than they should have.  As morbid as it sounds, that show gave me comfort.  In a lot of ways death is brutal to accept.  If you see it as a relief and timely, it gives it a little better chance of acceptance.

Learning that Adam Yauch, MCA of the Beastie Boys passed yesterday after an emotional day was harder than I ever could have imagined.  Like my mom’s, his cancer started in a gland in the neck area & he went through surgery & radiation.  I imagine the holding mask was similar to my mom’s that they used to pinpoint the radiation – that mask creeped me out more than any one in a costume shop ever could.   Maybe it was his time.  Maybe it was a relief to let go of the struggle.  Maybe his passing will spur a positive action that will save lives.  Maybe.  Still it’s not an easy one to accept right now.  I never met the man, but his words inspired and were the soundtrack to many moments in my life.  His ability to spotlight and raise money for Tibet, will stand as a testament to his true character.   One can only hope to be able to help others as he did.  Still I can’t help but wonder what else he could have achieved given more time.

Struggling to feel like I’m not wasting my time.

Stressed out is not somewhere I am going.  I have learned to deal with things better than that.  Reality is to be dealt with or forgotten.  Current status is I have debt, I have no insurance again & yet still have daily meds I need.  The cash flow took a nose dive in this transition which I am still waiting on confirmation on what I am transitioning too.  I am in school, but not yet able to register for classes…. which means I don’t know what schedule I can offer to a new employer.  Still waiting to hear back about the student loan, which means adding more debt and frankly although I love the idea of doing this on my own, makes me nauseous to think about any MORE debt.  And this is all in the hopes that it makes improvements in my own life and allows me to do more that I believe in?  Is it all worth it?

Certainly is a good distraction from mom being sick.  Still she is.  Felt horrible not being able to make things better.  I wasn’t even able to keep her on her medication schedule.  In my defense I don’t really know her schedule, but I lost track of time and didn’t wake her up in time to take a morophine dose and she ended up dealing with the pain of my mistake.  Which sadly she has had to do a lot in my life.  Feels helpless waiting for the pain to go away and the medication to do its magic.

Home isn’t home anymore.  Hasn’t been for years.  Still its the only place she is now and I want to treasure the time we have.  Moving back isn’t an option, especially since my Dad’s dog sees Baxter as a threat to whatever & we have to keep the two separated so as not to stress out my Dad needlessly.  The crazy mutt has a screw loose and has attacked the pug once in the past so there is grounds to worry but added anxiety doesn’t exactly discourage things from escalating.  So my trip to visit got cut short.  Easier to just exit than to cause others the stress.

Was driving back to the beach when I learned of MCA’s passing.  Was driving there when I learned of Junior Seau‘s passing.  Both chilled me and shook me more than I would have expected.  Hard to see people you admire fall down.  We are all humans, but at times its so easy to see those who are doing great things as more.  Hope that they will always continue being strong, inspiring and doing the good they do.   Reality is we all have a time line and the lines end.  Why its so hard to accept is beyond my scope of reasoning.

But on the topic of time lines… I feel like mine is both non-existant and yet still feels neverending!

On one hand I know it seems like I have all the freedom in the world to do what may & reinvent life on a whim.

In my mind the list of things that need to get done immediately is neverending.  Overwhelmingly so.

Still I have to take a deep breath & remember that each day has three main goals that HAVE to be achieved.  The rest is all in the details.

Balancing the urges to give up and to fight on.

I know its going to be hard and waiting is half the struggle for now, but I am ready to move forward.  To know how to plan the next few months at least.   Knowing we never know when our time lines will be up it so frustrating to waste hours, days waiting to see what will be.  Waiting so that when the shot is fired to start the race, you will be ready to go with all your heart.

So I wait.  Preparing scenarios and scoping ideas.  Ready for my chance to get back in the race and follow my heart.  Hoping that there is still time to make my stance and improve something before the finish line.

Draft Dreams

Tonight I watch as lives change.  The NFL Draft is on right now & I love this night each year.  Dreams coming true. The excitement and hope. New careers start.

Which is extremely timely in my life.

I haven’t exactly been happy lately.  Just not able to get my heart & mind into my work – well, I guess I should say FORMER work.  yes my time as a recruiter is over. No drama, no hard feelings, just time to end and allow fresh energy to do the work.

So tomorrow I will be enjoying a bit of me time.  Relaxation & stopping to smell a few roses so to speak.

But come Monday.. its ON AGAIN!  another challenge to begin.  Some of my most popular post have been those where I was out of work & looking for a new job while sticking to a budget.  Of course I am going to do it again!  With a bit of a twist.  I have in mind something that came to me & like a light bulb went off, it just made sense.  One of those why didn’t I think of that before moments.  I am going to follow my heart again.  But that is a story to come.

For now I watch as others dreams come true.  The excitement to see who is picked & their smiles as big as can be.  I can’t help but be thrilled for each & every player who goes up & accepts that new jersey.  This fall I most likely will boo them as they battle my beloved Panthers on the field, but tonight we share an emotion – pure elation.  The joy of knowing the best is yet to come.  Awareness that its going to be work, but its worth every single moment.

So congratulations to all the new NFL players & their families.

Can not wait for all the things to come!