You Just Can’t Make Life Up

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There is one great truth to life, it will always pop up with something unexpected. You can plan every detail you want but surprises appear along the way.

Dating again (or at least trying to) is no exemption to this law.

The dating site profiles are back up. The insanely crude messages are coming in as it seems is par for the territory of meeting people while not actually meeting them. Along with the expected comes the unreal that I never could have thought of. Like the guy who claims to be a secret agent with the Army stationed currently in Nigeria (riiiight, guess that secret part escaped him).  Tried to just ignore him, but it got the best of me when he asked what I did for a living. My reply of “leading an intergalactic rebellion” just got a “I do not understand your work” & a delete of his messages.

A few nice guys have popped up. But so far nothing that really connects. Still I am proud to be getting back out there and trying. Still feel a bit jaded and annoyed at the irresponsibility of all the insincerity that I trusted from Mr Man, but time heals. Hopefully at some point I will meet someone who is on my level and enjoys my company as much as I do their’s.  So far it has been fun having some unique conversations and just feeling wanted again. I’m in no rush to get physical but I imagine in time that will change with the right guy too.

So for now I am just spending as much time making myself happy as I can. Lots of beach time & working on the list of things to do.

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Well that & trying to figure out how to lose the tan lines without being arrested for indecent exposure. Missing my tanning bed this year, but loving being at the beach more. Yes I am using sunscreen, but still the lines come.

Classes started back this week to there is added distraction there that I am grateful for. Who knows where this summer will lead. It promises to be memorable. I’m trusting that I am exactly where I need to be right now & that my path is unrolling as it should be. I just have to trust and keep walking even if I can’t see the road for the turns up ahead.

Busy is the new Happy

Know how when you try not to think of something, that ends up being the only thing you can think about?

That’s pretty much how my weekend ended up.

I keep thinking about everything that happened & didn’t happen. I miss him & still love him. Even have thought I have seen him a few times only to take a second look and it ends up being someone slightly similar. I know it is over but it still hurts.

I decided to get out of the house and do something rather than just wallowing in missing Mr Man. Distraction action!

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Spent some time at the beach. Starting my list of things I want to do… although not sure what the time frame is, this summer/before I start trying to find the next relationship? Also discovered that most of the time, if there is something I want to do, I just do it. No need to wait for a list. Which is pretty awesome. In fact some of the things I thought of and added to the list Friday, already happened this weekend! Checking off already! List to come soon.

Tossed the cheap pedometer that wasn’t counting steps any better than if I was trying to mentally count them. You get what you pay for sometimes. Turned out the FitBit Ones were on sale so back to a real deal I can trust. Goal is each day get more steps than the day before. This weekend though, I just focused on getting thru the days.

Attended group therapy (always interesting) & am looking forward to getting up with a friend there & possibly helping her with a resume. (old HR skills come in handy) Also learned of a yoga group that meets for the new moon that sounds incredible that I may join her for.

Accepted an invitation to a Kentucky Derby party & actually placed a bet on a horse.  Samraat didn’t win, but he/she came pretty close. Still proud. Ended up figuring out that the floppy hats got tossed during the purge, so had to make due with my trusty mouse ears.

Met up with a few friends after that downtown for the Port City Comedy Fest Top Comic Finals. We all could use a few laughs. Pleasantly surprised by some of the talent there. Definitely going to have to check out the local stand up scene more often. Still as I sat there, I just kept thinking how much I want to crawl in my bed and be held. I laughed, but sadness was still there. So when the contest was over & it was time to go dancing, I bid everyone a good night & headed home. Just didn’t feel like dancing & certainly didn’t feel like dampening their mood.

Woke up & hit the beach again. Sadness and missing Mr Man more and more. What do I stumble on while trying to park? TWO BRIDES. Dagger to the heart. Ended up tossing the towel a long distance away from the weddings and enjoyed soaking up some sun & listening to the waves.

Next up was to finally check out the crystal shop that I have been thinking about going to for a while now. They had a TON of stones that were just beautiful. Some that I really wanted to come home with me, but were beyond my meager means. Discovered some crystals I hadn’t even heard of. Before I went I thought about getting something to help with meditation & something to alleve this miserable muggy fog about me lately. Maybe a rose quartz or new amethyst to charge. Maybe something grounding to help ease the emotional wreck I have been lately. I was surprised by the selection & had two stones that I just couldn’t leave behind.

This stunning auralite 23 and blue fluorite!

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Smitten kitten. I basically just want to hold them forever. As soon as I got them home & sat feeling their energy, I felt peace. The tears stopped and I felt calm.

Both are healing stones and help with insights and growth.

Funny enough as I was leaving, the expert who was selling the stones mentioned that the blue fluorite was also called the student’s stone because it was excellent in helping to focus the mind. PERFECT. After the troubles this semester, I certainly needed this boost. Sometimes it seems the stones pick you.

As I held the auralite, I could almost feel a pulse emanating from it. Just a really beautiful, powerful crystal! It’s energy is inspiring & comforting. Yes I am in love.

Alas I had to separate from my new rock star friends for a few because I had agreed to another event & I was making myself go. Now is not the time to slip back into the staying home and avoiding crowds tendencies and this one promised to be a crowd.

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There was a rally downtown to support keeping the local film industry here. State politicians are threatening to end the incentives given to lure productions to the state and without them, the jobs will be lost to the 44 other states that DO offer incentives. Wilmington is a HUGE productions town, in fact a movie was being filmed in a restaurant just a few blocks up from the rally. Many people here benefit from the various TV shows, commercials, music videos & films being produced here. From the families that directly work in production to the people who serve them when they take a break, it all helps the local economy. To lose it would greatly impact the character and life of this city. Simply put FILM = JOBS & we need them here.

Attending the rally was inspiring but also exhausting. Sensory overload and a lot of people.  Still no panic attack & no need for a klonapin to get me through, which is a major plus. In fact I didn’t have to deal with any panic attacks or feel the need to pop klonapin to avoid them all weekend. I’m dealing and even if I haven’t a clue what is next or how to make life better at the moment, I’m healing.

Just got to get over this aching and back to better days.

Maybe tomorrow will be the day I wake and everything feels better.

95 nonstop and 30 Days of Selfies

This past weekend was a massive dose of two things I have missed most Florida sunshine (& storms) and happy family times!

Unfortunately it also included driving nearly 1800 miles between Thursday afternoon & Monday morning.  Beyond sick of this view!

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Still it was worth it.  Was blessed to see my cousin marry her Superman and see all her work over the past few months come to life.  She may have wanted a beach ceremony, but Momma Nature had other plans.

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In the end, I can’t see it happening any other way than it did.  We all got to hear the vows and tears and giggles… without the wet windswept hair.  Still got the beach view but it was inside with AC & flowing drinks in personalized mason jars.

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So many good times and memories (made & remembered).  There just isn’t anything like being with those who you call family proudly.  We missed a few who couldn’t make it & of course we all tried to pretend that Mom’s presence wasn’t as missed as it was, but for those of us there we treasured the time.

It was way too short for my taste & again I was left moving north bound on 95 wondering why again I wasn’t living my life there?

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Still it feels good to be back home.  Missed Baxter being by my side and the quieter beaches here.  Although I was surprised to find that while I used to enjoy the beaches here because they reminded me of South Florida, I now noticed myself finding comfort in Palm Beach reminding me of the Carolina coast!

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The waters are the same, Atlantic Ocean & Intracoastal Waterway connect both places always.  If only the roads didn’t take so long to get me there.

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There is a belief that rain on your wedding day is the world blessing the union because water brings life and makes everything grow.  If so they will certainly be living happily ever after!

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A great blog I read, A Beautiful Mess, has challenged everyone to 30 Days of Self-Portraits & I am in.   Will post to my Instagram the daily shot and looking forward to seeing who else plays along.  I promise mine will not have any duck faces or use bathroom mirror reflections.

Relaxing #52Lists

Life can easily be overwhelming.

All too often life shows us how quickly it could take a turn when we least expect it.  Even more important to savor each moment and do the things that mean the most.

Spent the afternoon meditating by the ocean & for a little while last night sat and watched the waves roll in under the moonlight.

None of it makes any more since before, but I feel better.

Also delighted by a surprise in my mailbox.

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My Sseko sandals arrived!

Super happy about these.

Today’s topic for 52 Lists was perfectly timed – Things I Find Relaxing

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Should have added being snuggled up in comfy blankets and pillows with a snoring pug by my side.  Sure is relaxing right now.

My Answers Blowing in the Wind

Read an inspiring post today about noticing the signs in life.  How often do answers come to us and we don’t even pay them any attention?  Too busy trying to figure everything out & stumble right past the solutions right in front of us.  Other times we just are too focused on searching for something different that we think the answer is or wish it was.  Ignoring what is actually there.

We seek and seek to see what we need and hope for but sooner or later reality plops us down on our behinds and makes us see.  Or maybe we can change our reality into what we need most.

Someone told me in a conversation last night that they think I live in a fantasy world where everyone is happy and good.  That I need to wake up to reality.

I get why they made the statement, but part of me inside screamed “WHY? Why would anyone ever want to leave a place where everyone is happy & good?”  There have been plenty of times where I struggled to find the good in people.  Its something that hasn’t exactly come naturally with everything I have been through, but I prefer to see the good.  Maybe there are times where I ignore reality and get hurt, but I can’t live my life on constant alert for the next strike against me.  Hiding away behind walls of protection can be a place of comfort, a lonely stagnant comfort.

As much as I long for signs to help me figure out all the questions, some things just have to be figured out as we go.  Resolve to just be at peace and trust that the universe will unfold as it should.

Like a great storm, you have to wait it out and the only way out is through.

as many years as I have been carving pumpkins (every one since birth) these are the very first to sport the sand beards! Hurricane Sandy had some tricks up her sleeve even here.

What a storm it is too.

Between the combination of the Winter storm & Hurricane Sandy & the Hunter Full Moon – there is something scary brewing on the east coast this Halloween!

Strange to think that the full moon has such an impact & influence on the waves and level of the sea, yet tonight you can not even find it in the sky!  Full or not, it is hiding behind the great swirling clouds that loom.  Hurricanes are always tough, but add in the pulled up sea levels and inexperienced areas being hit & I worry about this one.  Thankfully I spoke with a dear friend & she and her family are doing fine and on high ground.  Hoping everything stays good.  Reports from others scare me more and I have to wonder what will be as the daylight washes out the darkness and we are able to really see what is happened.

Thinking positive and hoping for the best possible outcomes.  Going to be a long night.  For those in the depths of the darkness and those of us who watch from outside wishing we could help.  Looking forward til we can see what is going on and where do we go from here.

 

luckily I’m not waiting alone

“There is a hurricane a blowing and just by knowing what you know, you have an advantage to the blind morons that surround you everyday.”                       ~Marilyn Manson

Stargazing on the Shore

 Incredible weekend watching the stars, the waves and discovering new places.

All in all the experiences seem slightly unreal and if someone had bet me a million bucks a week and a half ago that I would be thinking & feeling the way I do right now, I would still be one broke chica.  Guess that is one of the great beauties in life, sometimes it gives you what you may need most & expect the least.  Revisiting past waters you never thought you would tread again and finding that this time around you just may find the drive to hold your head high and keep going to see how the story ends.  I may get sharked, may drown or perhaps even rescued.  Either way the sun’s reflection on the water is memerizing and all to be savored at the moment.

Found more sharks teeth, great conversations, captured several sights through the lens and made a few wishes.  No less than 3 shooting stars made their appearance, 2 by the Cape Fear River on Saturday night and then another last night as we stargazed over the Atlantic crashing into the sands shores.

 As if I needed a sign that yes this is ok to make the wish on.

Just feeling incredibly lucky at this moment to be in the right place at the right time with open eyes to see the open hand.

Tides Rolling In

Life is so funny.

One moment you are in your life & see it as all that it is.  You believe you know the path you are on & where you will go.  Then you get a spark. The choice to take the risk or stay where you are defines the rest of the way.

I am proud to say, I took the leap of faith and am LOVING IT!

Classes started yesterday – Family Law followed by Administrative Law today.

Spent a few days in with the family & the jokes were made about going back to school.  I was given spiral notebooks (which may have been  leftover from high school!), new pens, index cards & even taken to get a couple of new clothes.  We had fun teasing about my “FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL”.  Felt great being supported & feeling like I was making my parents proud.

When it came down to the time to go to class last night, my nerves were on edge.  Would I be able to keep up?  Was I thinking it was going to be one thing and really would be totally different & then I would hate it?  Would I be the oldest one there?  Would I be able to stay in a room with no windows and not really able to leave for a few hours without having a panic attack?  So many ideas raced through my head.  Thankfully with support of friends I was distracted & made it to the room.  Klonapin also may have gotten me there.  Took my seat.  Watched others enter…. including the attorney who looked around my age teaching the course!  Then it began.

Within minutes I was swept up in discussions and ideas raced through my head that were what ifs, but less self-centered and more hypothetical consequences and circumstances.  Before I knew it, it was over.  I wanted more… but we got out 45 minutes earlier than expected instead of staying all 3 hours.  Still with assignments to do, I was charged up.  LOVE IT!

On the way home I texted friends, family & called the parents overjoyed with it all.  Giddy might be a good word for this bliss.  …until I ran slap into a BAT!  Head on.  I saw it just before & as it rammed into the glass directly in front of my face.  Talk about buzz kill.  I felt (still do feel) awful.  But what could I have done?  Not sure how an animal with radar even hits a very slow moving car!  But it did and it shook me up.

Between the emotional highs & low, sleep was not going to come easy.

Thankfully I didn’t force myself.  A fellow insomniac & I explored a beach that I am ashamed to say I hadn’t ever gone over to even thought I think I had been to most everywhere around it.  So we set out in the dark, armed with a flashlight & loads of stories to tell.  HAD to talk to someone about how excited & was & all the new crazy laws & potential implications I had learned.

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Even in the pitch dark, under a sky so cloudy the moon looked like it took the night off, it was breath-taking!

Listening to the waves crash.  Watching the lightning just off shore.  Seeing all the nightlife in the sand and rocks.  Just so peaceful.  Such a step away from the chaos of the mall, highway & rush I had been in just hours before.

Even taking cover for a while in a lifeguard stand as the storm came on shore seemed surreal.  No stress just wait it out and watch.  Got a bit wet but saved the phones and didn’t get soaked.  Afterwards being damp already made the waves more inviting to play around in.  I didn’t go swimming but it was tempting.

Well mostly peaceful.  Discovered a new creature that isn’t exactly on my wish I saw more of list….. the sand flea  AKA sea cicada AKA mole crab AKA reason I popped my shoes back on….

Not really clear why they grossed me out, but they did.  It was dark & they seemed to be EVERYWHERE!  I just imagined accidentally stepping on one & it trying to burrow away confused by my skin not giving way like the sand.  yuck.  To me they seem like the cockroaches of the beach.  Still as a guest in their house, I had to deal.

Besides there was so much else it was hard to focus too much on the nasty things just under foot.  Mixed all into the chunks of shells were dainty tiny pastel clams who were exposed and just like a lady quickly hid herself away.  There were small crabs guarding there pools between the rocks from unknown light beams (from the flashlight) & so much history in the rocks from the pieces of shells from life long gone to the blackened sharks teeth no longer a threat to the flesh.  I was lucky enough to be with an experienced tooth locater who showed me the ropes.  Even found a great white one on my own!

Maybe this isn’t where I thought I would be.  Perhaps I am not getting rich or finding myself on magazine covers for success, but life should be about achieving bliss as individual as we are.  This for now works for me.  So for the time being I will savor it as if it were my last breath.

Oh what will tomorrow bring?