I used to post?
Lately life has just been moving too fast & honestly I don’t even know what to think much less what to share. In the past posting has been therapeutic and helped to relieve my worries. A release. I can openly share my struggle with watching Mom get sick and pass away. Share my grief & even my own mental fights with PTSD, depression and anxiety. I can openly talk about the eating disorder I dealt with in high school and how food and the weight became a comfy afterwards. Seeing the way pounds helped give Mom a little longer towards the end only validated that the extra I wore wasn’t the worst thing in life. Sure I might not be a model but health is more important than vanity. For some reason talking about everything going on physically now, just is harder.
Then came the type 2 diagnosis. I cleaned up my diet and my body responded.
The push to drop pounds was simply to improve the numbers medically but the focus was on eating right and giving my body the nutrition it needs. The weight loss was a side effect of that shift.
In some ways it felt great to value myself by eating healthy, fresh foods & I didn’t miss the convenience stuff I grew up (& gained it all) on. I didn’t have a goal weight or look so this isn’t like before. I don’t avoid eating and nothing if off limits. Occasionally I eat foods I know aren’t ideal (yesterday was a pumpkin spice donut breakfast kind of day!) and I don’t feel guilt doing so. I do feel the effects afterwards and the calories I still keep in check so using them in “worthless” food means making up the difference during the rest of the day which can be challenging.
At the start I looked forward to making meals. Right now, I am less than enthusiastic. The quick, pick up stuff does seem to have a draw, but it doesn’t have the same flavor or feel right anymore. Working (although only a 20 hour internship) along with classes and juggling somewhat of a social life does make a time crunch & I’m worried what going back to a full time work week will do. Hopefully this is just a temporary hurdle. Something I can figure out how to get past. Still is it so much to ask that there be a few options outside my house that are quick and healthy? Don’t even mention salads, because iceberg is not food. Give me spinach or spring green… something with some flavor & color. Crunch is optional.
The upside: the numbers look a lot better last time I check with my doctor and ….drum roll because for me this is HUMONGOUS… I can actually test my blood when needed now without feeling faint. Well a majority of the time. Sure sometimes it still takes me 3 test strips to get what I need, but I am getting there. The girl who passed out so often at the doc’s office that she knew to position me on the bed with the feet up anytime she needed to use needles, draws her own blood. (Go on laugh, but I am still damn proud of this!)
So all good right?
Sort of. Weird thing is that although I see the numbers change, I don’t see it. I know the scale keeps going down. The tape measure gets closer and closer on each body part & the clothes have had to be replaced. Still when I look in the mirror – same girl as always. I’m trying to see it but honestly it isn’t as drastic as some people are acting like it is. Felt slightly bad when my doc got so excited and celebratory of the weight loss and I just kind of thought whatever. Isn’t that big of a deal. Attitude is everything so fake it till you make it. It all feels bizarre. Hopefully my mind will catch up. Right now it just feels too survival mode still.
Spend a bit of time shopping which does feel better than it used to. Clothes fit better. This part is both fun and dangerous. Plus I STILL need to purge the closet of the old stuff.
SEE why I haven’t posted much? This is the stuff that consumes my mind lately. Not humor. Not men. Just wondering how to deal & if it is healthy or not. Dullsville.
Still there is football. For a few hours each week my mind shuts down and I focus on the field. Which feels amazing! (Even if there was a tie of all things! At least we didn’t have to resort to twisting ankles to get there.)
So hopefully soon I will have more to share. Miss writing, but then again I am still writing a lot – just more in the line of legal memos & research notes. Wish I could share some of the insanity that I see in the files I am working with, but… just can’t. Let’s just say that personal injury law is nothing like I imagined it to be. I have yet to see anyone who is looking for an easy paycheck. Everyone just wants to pay off their bills. Also I look at cars completely differently after reading so many accident reports! First couple of weeks I honestly was a tad scared to drive anywhere. Seems like the person who causes the accident usually gets off easier than the one(s) being hit! So while I trust my skills, I don’t anyone else’s! I really was disappointed when the public defender’s office canceled the internships this semester & it only helped that I wasn’t the only one to lose the placement (so don’t take it personal). Meeting the amazing staff & learning about personal injury law has been better than I could have imagined. I know my time is limited at the firm, but I’m not sure I could have asked for more of an internship! Also less scared that this isn’t where I should be. Doubt is gone.
OH!!!! & did I mention I passed my exam to be a NOTARY!?!?
Passed with a HUNDRED! Time to pay the fee, send the ap, order the stamp & take the oath. Then it is official. Who would have thought it? Yes that does deserve the high five from the seriously fuking cute baby panda.
One step closer.
Long journey ahead, but I do have the cutest shoes!