I’m all over the place

Oh yeah… I blog.

Must have forgotten. Honestly I have started several posts that just didn’t get finished. My mind is a tad scattered & seems to drift in every direction at once.

Just been busy with living life & for the most part enjoying it more than ever. Savoring the final days of summer. Had a blast doing the Color Me Rad 5k with friends & am looking forward to joining DeAngelo Williams & the other Williams Warriors in a few weeks for the Race for the Cure. Panthers are back on the field so Sundays are again fun days filled with football! Keep starting various books & finding even more I want to read as soon as possible. Caught up with a few friends. Made a few new ones. Watched in awe as my nephew keeps growing and trying to join in on his enthusiasm for every little thing in life. Starting a new internship with wasn’t what I expected but so far I adore it. So much to learn yet feels good to be able to actually put what I have been learning to a bit of use assisting.

Plus finally got around to jumping in on Game of Thrones. No clue what took me so long but now I may be hooked.

With the start of the internship & a couple of nearly embarrassing moments in public I finally reached the point of sucking it up & admitting I needed clothes that fit. My size is down & nothing fits the same. I’m honestly scared to spend money on clothes in smaller sizes for fear that as soon as I do my body will balloon up again. Still losing my pants in public isn’t a memory I want & baggy saggy isn’t a professional look for a law office. Missing my pastel colors of hair, but the old clothes I don’t.

So shopping. Lots of shopping. Trying on & trying to figure out what works. As much fun as it always sounded to go out & buy new clothes, frankly I can’t stand it. I feel lost with sizes. I don’t want to even look at them right now. I don’t want to think about it. Sick of the hassle of it all. A few things here & there are fun. Spending money on finding all new stuff, not so much. Especially on an unpaid internship student’s budget.

Honestly I am tired of trying to figure out everything. Dating has been fun but after a few that just didn’t sparkle I’m taking a break. Thankful for friends who rock & keep me company when I need it.

yes even he gets pumpkin spice treats this time of year

yes even he gets pumpkin spice treats this time of year

& Baxter. Cuddles from this guy are always bliss. What ever would I do without him?

Later this week I go back for the next round of blood work & I’m scared. Not just of the needle for the blood draw, but for the results. The diet changes have stuck & now feel normal but what if they aren’t enough to lower the readings? Not sure I could do much more. Insulin injections and frequent testing are not things I want to have to do.  Just nervous. Fingers crossed hoping the hard work pays off.

The weight certainly is improved over the last visit. After consistently losing, I hit a plateau. A couple of weeks I stayed at one number. I didn’t understand it because I still was eating less & while I didn’t stress over it, it didn’t seem right. I’m still more than I should be ideally according to all the charts. Hopefully at some point I will level off and maintain a healthy number but I expect I still have a little ways to go. What to do? Turns out the answer is EAT.

I don’t buy much into the your body goes into starvation mode concept when I am eating several meals a day & snacks, but the calories were lower than they should have been total. A couple of days of adding in some extra stuff (like pumpkin spice M&Ms and a big burrito out with rice and everything!) and suddenly the scale is back to going down. Doesn’t make a lot of sense since I am staying fuller than I ever thought I would be. Guess I still have a lot to learn. Still struggle with reminding myself this is healthy & not a relapse into old bad habits. The goal isn’t avoidance but focusing on eating what is nutritious and what will help my body work the way it should instead of acting all wonky.

Thankfully I do have clothes that seem to fit now & didn’t completely go broke getting them. Feel a bit like the start of a new school year when you got to go get a few new outfits to start the year off. Excited for the new clothes and wanting to wear them all at once but having to wait for a new day for each. Ridiculous but of you can enjoy the little rushes of joy once in a while you aren’t living.

Hopeful that with this round of tests I will get confirmation that I am doing what I need to do to be healthy or if not get the doc’s take on what I should be doing.

Either way I am enjoying my days so much more lately. Feel like no matter what, even if it isn’t where I expected, this is where I should be right now. Which is a great feeling indeed.


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