My Enemy is Me

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Crankypants McGee. That may be my new name. Last couple of days just feel like a complete funk. Well except Friday. Friday kicked some serious ass. Panthers returned to the field & although it was a preseason game & I picked entirely the wrong place to watch the game, watching was absolutely awesome! Feels like fall has returned. To say I am excited is quite the understatement! I needed this.

After several months without panic attacks… they are back with a twist. Sometimes I want to pop open my head, take out my brain & slap it around a few times. My body is scaring me now. How do you avoid that? In the past, I always was able to recognize panic attacks as just that, a panic attack. Sure the first few I was worried & was really scared I would pass out (has happened) & I would bang my head on something, but I never worried about them being a heart attack. Now I panic even harder wondering if maybe this time it isn’t a panic attack.

My heart rate is still irregular & blood pressure is high. Which makes sense since I feel panicky about it all. I have never been able to trust blood pressure readings in the office since my anxiety goes up anytime I go in. Used to be taking my pressure at home ruled out the high numbers as just that – stress. Now my numbers stay up & don’t seem to be going down. Which sucks. All part of growing a little older in the US I guess. I know the past has wrecked my body (growing up in a time where TV dinners, fast food & a food pyramid made junk food seem like a healthy option). My parents did best they knew & although having an eating disorder hasn’t helped, it all is previous stuff & all I can do is focus on the here an now to try to be healthier in the present. The more I read, the less I feel I have stable ground to stand on. Thanks to the USDA basing the food pyramid on grains to promote the economy, the old nutrition basics I thought I knew are useless now. Grains for the most part aren’t good for me. Sure whole wheat is much better than refined, but my body just doesn’t handle either well especially in the standard amounts that are found on menus everywhere.

I’m eating great (for the most part) & expecting the next round of test to be better, but if they aren’t… I’m clueless on what to do. The fact that I have another family member dealing with a cancer diagnosis isn’t easy. Makes me feel like I need to get healthy & do it fast. Cancer seems like this dark cloud that follows us around waiting to strike at any moment. It isn’t an IF but a WHEN. Which makes me want to scream. It isn’t fair & it never will be, but there isn’t a lot we can do. Still I have to try everything I can.

 

Completely confused doesn’t even begin to cut it. Just doing what I think is best based on the information I am reading and what feels best for me. Fresh fruits, veggies & lower calories seem to be key. Glad I was never the kid who turned their nose up at anything green! So I read on & I eat on.

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Can’t help but think life would be so much easier if we didn’t have to eat at all.

No more trying to figure out what to eat or not to eat. No stress over portion sizes, nutritional values, fiber content or glycemic loads. Feel like I am back trying to learn to eat all over again. Only this time the push isn’t just to eat more & gain weight, but the reverse… only you can’t just give up cold turkey, you still have to eat. I catch myself in familiar patterns, but I can recognize them & be smart. I am tracking and sometimes it is very easy not to eat enough, but I eat. If I find myself ending the day with extremely low calories, I eat more. Thankfully tracking helps me keep this all in check.

Thankfully I have friends who are supportive, access to healthy food & online is great for recipes and fitness inspiration.

So maybe soon I will stop feeling like every panic attack is a heart attack and that every bite of food is going to send me into some blood sugar spike haze. Soon I will figure this all out & it will be second nature to eat again. (fingers crossed)

Just got to get thru the storm.

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Some days I just want a break. Time out from the thinking & maybe a huge hug at the end of the day… or anytime of the day actually. I know I have to get it together to be able to support others, but right now it just scares me wondering how. Moments I just want to give up.

BUT I haven’t made it here by letting go. I survive and am meant to keep going.

So maybe soon I will shed the cranky pants & strut again.

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