Another chapter closes in my life.
This week Mr Man & I split. Still slightly in shock about it all but we just need different things.
My last doctor’s visit my psychiatrist felt I was doing great & we discussed possibly decreasing my medications. Mr Man (& guys before) have had issues with the number of pills I take daily, but I know where I was & like being where I am now (usually). I understand that some people have addictions and abuse medication, but when it works, it works. With my doctor’s encouragement and approval, I went off one of my medications. Even then, I still felt judged for what I was taking.
Old habits slipped back. Sadness. Insecurity. No motivation to do anything or go anywhere. Anxiety attacks came back. I knew I was down, but didn’t realize how bad I had gotten. I was able to justify some of it with excuses that contained some truth. Trying to save money, I didn’t go out as much as I could have. Reality is some days I just didn’t feel like leaving the bed. Depression gets to you like that.
My ability to concentrate on anything has made school work nearly impossibly & I have lost desire to even attempt it… or much of anything else.
In a conversation something came up & I got sad. After spending a day in bed crying again, I got informed that I am just too sad a person to date. He felt he needed to focus on his life & I need get a better grasp on mine. He said I am a completely different person when I am not on my meds. Evidently only one of those people is worth being around.
I didn’t even put up much of a fight.
Communication hasn’t been great lately for either of us.
The whole conversation just left me feeling disposable and unwanted. Which I guess in a way, I am. We all are. Honestly my first impulse was not a good one. Thankfully it didn’t get beyond a thought. Thankfully I had it in me to contact help & refill the medication I had stopped immediately.
So lesson learned. I do need that one. Back on it. Hoping that soon all will balance out. Til then I have therapy, the beach & wonderful friends and family.
I’m not angry. Just still sad. More so. But I know where I have been and have faith that if I get through the hours, they become days. One day things will be ok again.
So much more to write and say but I am just still pretty numb.
I opened up & I tried. It failed. Scary as it is, nothing to do but move on.
He has moved out & wants to stay friends. Not sure how I feel about that one. I trusted him and had hopes that maybe this time would last. Maybe this time he would have my back. Friends first works out best they say, but guess depression just gets the best of anything.
So back to single life. Back to the original mix of medications. Hopefully back to me.