Facing the Different Days

{yes sort of another debbie downer post, but it’s life right now. I promise there are good times too!}

Life has a funny way of making you grow.

The lessons that you need to learn will keep presenting themselves in different ways until you finally wake up & accept that perhaps you do need to grasp this.

Then there are just those lessons that will keep popping up no matter what.

This past week has been a trying one to say the least, but as with most things in life, I survived.

Wednesday it really hit home how different these holidays are going to be this year.

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I tend to see Halloween as the kick off so they are nearly here in my house.  I spent the day bawling in bed wishing to just be okay with it all, but aching I missed Mom so much.   Last year was completely different than any I have ever been through.

Getting the call 2 days before Christmas that my Mom had fallen, was having a seizure and was being taken by ambulance to the emergency room, while I was out trying to get some gifts purchased for Mom to give because she couldn’t make it out of the house anymore & needed a walker or wheelchair to get around even there didn’t set the best tone.  Christmas was spent with all of us getting used to Mom not being able to leave a bed.  She actually didn’t.  From then til she was moved into the Hospice house hours before she passed, she wasn’t able to get up from the bed.  That call started me being back in Charlotte as close to every week as humanly possible while still dealing with what I could back at home.  Was a huge emotional change from Holidays past. We hated it.  It seemed like the worst Christmas possible, but now looking back at least we had her.  Even exhausted and sad, we were all together.

Mom always made the holidays magical.  Hard to even imagine what it is going to be like this year without her.  No longer will my sister & I be cooking or wrapping or doing all the things we do to save her from having to do it or for practice.  It is all up to us now.

The upside is this year Santa will be back.  My nephew is at a perfect age.  He will be having his first round of holidays & at 5 months now, he won’t be able to realize or remember if we mess up & don’t do something right.  Thankfully he probably won’t pick up on if we lose it crying here & there missing Mom.  In so many ways I don’t even want to do anything this year, but then I remember how magnificent it all was and know we have to.  Zane deserves to know the joys and have the pictures of his first amazing experiences.

We just have to survive it.  Face it and be proud of the memories we have and hopeful that next year will be easier.

They say there is no time frame for grief & I completely believe it.  I thought I was handling it all a lot better, but then the anniversaries hit you.  You start to see how the year keeps coming with no regard to your sorrow.  Which as much as you curse it is a blessing.  If time stopped we would never be there for the good stuff.  The giddiness of dreaming on what Santa may bring him.  The pride that comes from knowing you took the time to learn the traditions.  The comfort of spending time with the best of friends.  The hugs that get you through the week.  The goofy faces of the cutest lil nephew in the world as he watches these special times unfold.

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Over all I am trying to focus on the best of life.  Taking time out for me, not just to heal but to enjoy life.

Last night I literally had 5 things planned for the same night.  I knew I would be rushing all over trying to be where I needed to be.  I’m trying to push myself into getting back in life & reconnecting with friends.  First the event I was volunteering for ended up changing the schedule so I got out of one obligation.  Then discovered that another event was off the list since the friends going to it decided to not go.  Due to rain & not getting directions before hand another couple of events dropped.  In the end, I spent yesterday at the beach relaxing.  Then reconnected with one of my favorite people in the world who also is going through some tough days.  Was absolutely what I needed to do.  Finished the night back at the beach under the full moon struggling to see the eclipse through the clouds.  I did what I needed to do for me.

At the end of it all, I smile.  Thankful for the people who remind me I am not alone and that there are great days ahead to be excited for.

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So much has changed.

Yet in so many ways, we end up returning to the same things.

My thoughts go out to everyone who in some way dreads the coming chaos of the next few months.  Promise we will get through.  Just have to keep finding the joys, take time when we need to and keep the memories close.

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