Still here.

Warning- this post is again not all fairy wings, glittery stars & unicorn farts.  As much as I would like to say I am living in the happily ever after, that just isn’t where I am at the moment. 2013-07-09_20-18-25_39 I visit there.  It is nice. But it doesn’t feel like home at the moment.

Comfort seems to escape just before I arrive. There is hope, but she waits silently for me to reach her.  Always a few steps ahead motivating me to shuffle on.

Past few days, just feels like I am trapped alone in a well as it fills with raindrops. Dad went away with his buddies for a week.  Laura & Zane busy with family and learning to live as a family.  Even a trip to the vet for the day for Baxter seemed to amplify my solitude.  I know I have people that care, but there truly is no love like a mother’s love.

For some reason, going to visit family suddenly has me stressed & sad, rather than energized. It has been years since I visited South Florida.  I know life has changed completely there & the memories are just memories now.  Still I looked forward to remembering.  The coming storm threatens to put a damper on the beach ceremony & time constrains have squashed any real chances of strolling down memory lane for me.  Dad is back and forth on if he wants to go, which is driving me nuts but I understand.  He sees Mom’s ghost (not literally) in everything to do with Florida.  This is her family…. but it also is his and mine.  I need them.  More than ever.

Maybe it is all part of growing up that I have avoided in thinking I had become independent and strong on my own two feet.  We all sashay away out the final door on our own so why is it so hard to live alone. Death is on my mind a lot.  (Not in a take my own life way, but in a why & how does it happen to us all way – don’t worry.  I’m not THAT kind of sad.)  Hurts to know and have seen it so closely and not understand it any better.  Wish I didn’t fear it so much.  There was comfort in Mom’s death and we certainly got enough signs to know she is okay and still connected with us… but it isn’t nor will it ever be the same.  Recognize that we are still getting through the “firsts” but it all is just tough. So many moments I want to just ask her a quick question or share some bit of news. Things I think I know only she would laugh at.  Just tough.

Still I’m trying to remember that all of this is a stage.  Something to get through and learn some lesson from.  I couldn’t be alone in this world if I tried.  Stepping out my front door reminds me of that.  May not live in a metropolis, but this city has familiar faces & places.

2013-07-09_20-19-14_78

and the ocean seems to always be near, willing to listen to all my worries and remind me this moment, as much as it may be painful, is mine.  I am alive.  Here and now.  As it should be.  Tomorrow is just on the horizon and although things change, somethings never will.

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