Tropical Storm Andrea has come and passed. While the storm was relatively uneventful, staying cooped up inside my house has been an emotional tempest.
I broke my favorite champagne glass.
Yup. That one.
I know. I know. Whiny 3rd world problem. Shut up & suck it up. You have more & you can get more. Pick up the pieces and move on.
Which I would have and was in the process of doing, when I realized just how much that glass meant to me. The storm surge of memories that flooded my mind and heart destroyed me. I sank into the muddy waters of depression for the night.
All started when I remembered where I got those glasses. A natural thought when you think you want to replace something. They were a christmas present from my parents. I remember thinking how beautiful they were and how they were so me. Crystal champagne glasses etched with a million lil spirals. The look on my Mom’s face as I gushed said it all. She did good & got me. It was one of those gifts that I hadn’t asked for, but that was a step in confirming that finally we got each other. She would have never had a use for them, but she knew I would love them, and I did/do.
One would have been enough, but she bought the pair. For some reason as a single gal without a guy in her life at that moment, it seemed to symbolize hope. I remember thinking how these were the type glasses that should be used in special toasts & that I hoped one day to toast to a happy marriage with these. Now IF that ever happened, I wouldn’t be toasting with the piece of my Mom being there. (Probably didn’t help anything that the dating life isn’t anything to blog about at the moment.)
I got sad. Yes more than I should have & yes was over reacting to the simple act of breaking a glass. But I’m being honest. Blogging is cheaper than therapy & a lot less annoying to my friends, I’m sure. It was a crap day before. This just was the icing on the cake & the desire to call my Mom, the only person who might get the weight of that shattering drop, sent me over the edge.
I cried & just gave up on the day. Sometimes you just have to give in & feel. Maybe it would have been healthier to see out someone and make the day more than the wreck of a day that it was, but I chose to feel it all. So I moped.
Netflix provided the horror movies to watch (& feel better that my life wasn’t as bad as those on the screen) & thanks to impulse shopping my food choices for the day went from a healthy green smoothie breakfast to a lunch/dinner of beef jerky, garlic bagel chips, chocolate chip cookies and frozen dark chocolate banana slices. Meh.
So what happened next? Did it magically make everything better?
Nope. But I woke up from a night of some pretty sad dreams about my Mom to feeling that today, it is ok. It still sucks & I can never replace the glass, but the memories are there. Even if I did replace the glass, it wouldn’t be THE SAME GLASS.
Grief really is one of those things that can hit you out of the blue. You start to feel better and think you are fine only to see that it still really hurts. I think you have to have the cry sessions and stop to really feel everything in order to not completely go crazy from it all. Reading through a couple of grief books last night reminded me of this. It is normal to feel good one moment & pain the next.
Thankfully after stormy days come blue skies. Today I do feel better. Slightly sad still but I can recognize that a glass is just a glass. The hopes and love that I saw in that glass, are still here. Just as my mom still lives on inside me.