There are moments that I find myself thinking “OK, we’ve proved how we can handle it all and keep our heads… send Mom back now.” As if it is all some test to see how strong we are.
Deep down it still feels like she is alive and just away.
For years she dedicated herself to school day in & day out where she would work late or keep herself busy at home grading assignments. We would find something to do on our own. Some days it felt like she wasn’t home at all. Then she got sick and life changed. Home was the focus and where the hours were spent. Now it feels empty without her. Like she left again. As if in time she will return and be with family again.
Even with all the time away at work, in the emergency moments she was there. When my kidneys got infected she took me to the doctors and fought to care for me at home rather than the hospital, knowing the places unnerved me. Even at a young age they overwhelmed me. Scared me. No place of healing comfort. Then later in high school even during my rebellious hellion phase, when we found my tumor, she was there. After the attack, she was the one who came down to care for me. To wait thru the reconstructive surgery, the physical therapy, the psychological battles I found in my sleep that she soon learned to just let me fight thru.
Her tumors. Her treatments. The surgeries. The recovery. They all found us all together. Supporting however we could. Even if only just to give comfort she wasn’t alone.
As tested as our relationships could get in the “normal life” times, we all knew when it is family fighting something major, you back them up.
This weekend was another of those moments. Another family vacation to stay in another hospital room. This time I found myself even more terrified and numb. There was no way so much can happen in our lives. We deserve some smiles and time to heal. Learn to laugh again. But here we were.
I missed mom’s knack for knowing what to do or how to get updates and figure out what is best. Her absense was deafening. I tried to ask what would she do & try to do that, but I am not her.
Thankfully the doctors and staff were great and after a small surgery and recovery time, we are all resting more comfortably in beds that don’t come equipped with a call button and oxygen masks.
The memories flooded us. Many remember when mom was her or how we sat there so long waiting after this. Maybe this is what it takes to get thru those flashbacks so when the baby comes, we can all have the happy hospital visits that we hear actually happen. At least then we will be able to have another couple of shoulders to lean on (well cuddle and chat with anyway).
This scared just confirmed how much family matters. Also how quickly mine could disappear without warning. Thankful for all the medical knowledge and gadgets that can fix issues. Literally saving liveS – the one at stake and also the family that depends on them.
So hug those you love extra tight. Feel every moment of it & make the memory to store away to keep you company later if you need it.
Maybe some day (please let it be soon) life will came down and defended can come down to where we can relax. Truly relax. D