Escape at times can be a life saver. Moments where you leave behind all the chaos & pain to relax.
We all need these moments.
Lately I prefer them as often as possible.
A change of plans for the day found me extra lazy. Lounged around with the pug and pampered myself. Hot bath, the good smelly lotion I never can wear around my sister (or could around my mom), a brownie for breakfast. All went well til I noticed my feet.
Simply laying in bed in my robe, when I looked at them resting side by side. For a moment I didn’t see my feet, but my mom’s. The last couple of months when she couldn’t leave the bed we had to watch out for bed sores, especially on the backs of her feet. One way to help was to prop them up with a rolled up towel for several hours off & on. I also had become in the habit of making sure the blankets were tucked in and her toes weren’t getting chilly. Mom’s feet had become familiar as ever. She had these long toes with skinny nails and always had to find special shoes for narrow feet. Towards the end they were emaciated.
Wouldn’t say I hallucinated. My feet aren’t the same as my mom’s. Mine are wide. Just for a second though I could swear they were just like hers. It was just the reminder. Never realized how similar they really are… or were.
After I got myself together again I painted my toenails a bright pink. She never wore nail polish of any kind, ever. Plus she would never have worn the color. It seemed to help.
Lately I am starting to have more thoughts of “Why her?” and “What if?” Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma isn’t really something I should worry about. They may not know much about it due to it being so rare, but it doesn’t seem like something one generation passes down to the next. More likely was caused by how her body interacted with environmental factors (although that is still scary).
I have had my scare & survived. My tumor was caught early. No real drama. I am alive. So why hers? What sick twisted lottery picks one opposed to another? Why is one person lucky and another not?
This past week was the first session of grief group therapy, so I may bring it up and see if it is one of the things that is typical. Also may schedule a doctor appointment just to clear my mind of any worry. Actually I can’t really remember the last time I got a check up, so it probably isn’t a bad idea in general.
Peace of mind.
Even if I can’t figure out the big questions, it helps to still feel close to her.
She & I were and will always be connected. I have my memories… & my feet.