Just a few weeks ago if someone asked me, I would have thought I was an adult. Lately I just feel helpless and like a kid lost in a daze. One moment I feel like I am getting back to me, the next I just want to find a fuzzy blanket to crawl into and cry my eyes out.
Some how I was able to make it to class all last week, even was able to speak the words “my mother passed” when someone asked. Today I nearly lost it when a cashier asked if I was “Starlette?” when using a phone number to look up the store discount card. (Note: need to get those changed to Dad’s name!)
Still feels like she will walk through the door at any moment with shopping bags or stories of some vacation she has been on. Find myself wanting to pick up the phone to call her and talk about this or that. It all doesn’t feel real. How can it be?
Being with my Dad is making me feel worse than I thought it would. He is visiting her grave daily. The beds are pushed back into one with fresh sheets. He has disposed of all the drug boxes (we left all the morphine & everything else at the hospice house), the wheelchairs and machines have been picked up. Her laundry washed & folded. He seems a bit lost too. I try to be positive for him, listen and we talk about her most of the day.
Really hard to fathom that it is over. The fight. The love story. The life.
None of it seems fair.
Just a roll of the dice & she gets some crazy form of cancer we never heard of. Taken away for what?
In a world where love is so hard to find, why did she have to die? They had their ups and downs, but they had the real deal. Just not fair. Would much rather it had been me. Much less to leave a void with.
Started the tasks of writing out thank you notes today and it reminded me of how many lives she touched during those short 62 years. After a while we just had to stop and go have dinner to get away from it. How do you thank someone for caring for your mom? What words can be written to express appreciation for seeing the value in her?
I have to trust that time heals because this sucks. Maybe tomorrow I will wake and feel more me. See the good and have the motivation to do all the normal stuff and maybe some of the other junk. Til then I am just going to keep fighting the urge to breakdown and hope that no one else ever gets diagnosed with cancer ever again. A gal can wish…