Perhaps I jinxed myself with that last post.
Saturday was intense. So much so that it has taken me a couple of days to get to a point where I felt comfortable trying to even put it into words.
Part of the “end stage” process with cancer, especially once it is in the brain, is seizures. Not sure why I hadn’t picked up on that, but even after the incident in December I didn’t expect seizures. I thought Mom would just start getting more and more sleepy, confused and make the transition from this world to the next calmly. Wishful thinking I guess.
Was sitting with her & noticed her hand was up & shaking, partially clinched fist. I asked what she was doing and she replied it was just doing it on it’s own. Even asked me to put it down. HINT: when you can’t control your body, an issue is about to happen. I didn’t know. So when the shaking moved up & her consciousness very clearly moved somewhere else, I knew the shit was hitting the fan. In the heart of the moment, I didn’t pass out & I didn’t have an anxiety attack – surprise. Scary as it was we made it. We all made it.
I knew things were going to be alright when EMS went to test her blood sugar level & Mom kicked me out of the room because she knew, I have a tendency faint at the sight of blood. Always my Mom, always trying to take care of me.
The adrenaline kept me in the moment & I was able to be there for her. As lost & running solely on instinct as I was, I was there. Only later after she had been stable and sleeping several hours after the EMS team left, did it all hit me. Throughout the episode, I saw her fear. I heard her gasping for her life literally. It could have been the end of the story. REALLY thankful for the response team and my klonapin!
Also especially thankful for Hospice. These people are so much more than just medical care.
So another experience under my belt.