I have no clue what to call this post. My mind is mush. My eyelids are swollen from crying & making the typing look strange. So cool blog post title? just not going to be on the high priority list tonight.
Tonight I am back near the sea.
My home. The one I call home on my own. I’ve longed for this night for the past week. Being with my parents so much typically would have driven me up a wall & probably end up in some tiff where I loaded up my car & left before the visit was planned to end. This time was so much different. As ready as I am to be back in my own world, I am scared for what may happen while I am gone. I have to take the steps for me. Plan is g0o to class the 3 days then back to care for Mom & Dad. Hoping we are able to stick to the plan. Time is limited, so I’m making the most.
Being there has given me a lot of time to think. Also realized I STILL haven’t gone to by that dress I have been putting off buying. The black dress that is going to be worn when we honor Mom’s passing. Hoping I still have a lot more time, but she isn’t doing well. Seems a little weaker each day. So may be an adjustment in meds & reaction to the realization confirmed by her nurse that she probably won’t leave her bed. Hard news. Not sure I would be reacting anywhere near as calmly as she seems to be. As I laid beside her talking and trying to help her stay awake so she wouldn’t be awake all night, I wanted to ask if I could go through her closet. Maybe something there would be appropriate even sentimental. I couldn’t bring myself to ask.
Little things like wondering about dresses and if my mom will be here long enough to make it to the spring warmth or maybe even summer heat. Then I should wait since winter styles would be too hot.
I’ve been really focused on family these past months. Today I got a reminder that life is better in balance. I have to find a way to balance MY LIFE as it has been with the one it needs to be to support my family.
The sad news that a friend had passed this weekend hit really hard knowing that there had been a couple of times she had reached out and I had been too busy or just didn’t think I could take on anymore challenges of helping someone else on such levels. Looking back, as much beauty & joy as she brought to my life and I found our relationship priceless, turns out I wasn’t there when she needed someone. How many times had a comment been made on a social media site where I had laughed & not responded back. Calls not returned. Seeing less post & just assuming that everything is fine. They are just busy. What else did I miss? Were there more signs? Why couldn’t I have kept in touch better.
Looking back at the post made just before she took her life, I see what it now means and it makes me sick to my stomach. I read the statement to be she was once again going after a dream without even acknowledging that there are any options other than achievement. Now I understand she meant she was spreading her angel wings to soar into the afterlife. While I see it as poetic & certainly she was a lady who did things on her own terms, taking her own life gives me chills.
Thankfully mom was sleeping a lot today & change in medicine has her loopy til she adjust to the new dosages. I don’t think she picked up on my shock and sadness. Showers cover breakdowns beautifully sometimes.
Driving home to be able to start classes tomorrow, was a relief. The memories keeping me company. Reminding me She was JUST here, alive. What could possibly changed. Life is hard, but strong spirits grow from the challenges we face. At times that takes some TLC from kindred souls. Just so sad to have such potential and grace taken away so soon.
Then it hit me again. I need a black dress. For real. For this diva, I would love to find something inspiringly decadent and glamorous. We may never strut in stilettos while walking pugs in a shopping district, but I will always enjoy our dreams of beautiful things. I imagine you will join me some night in a dance party.
For my Mom’s. Maybe something basic and simple. Pearls. Black. No frills just classic lines and beauty. Respectful and reverent.