Time Out

Everyone needs a break now & then.

But a breakdown? no.  Let’s all just skip that.  M’kay?

Tonight I got mine.  Back home.  Seeing a big full moon over the waves of the ocean and having dinner with someone special away from the family drama.  Pretending for just a little while that all is normal right now isn’t really possible with so much in the air, but feels good to spend a night back in my own bed.

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The agoraphobia is trying to slip back, but I am determined.  For some reason the stress has brought back the attacks.  I was fine at dinner but stopping at a grocery store afterwards brought back all too familiar feelings of pure terror for no reason at all.  Not wanting to admit the step backward, I stopped again at another store afterward.  In hind sight I probably should have waited a while longer for the klonapin to kick in or to allow the adrenaline to die down from the first episode.  Hit me even faster & harder second time.

Still I can get through this.  There are much better days ahead.

Going backwards is not an option.

While shopping for gifts, I got the call about my mom.  I had a feeling something was wrong & tried calling under the excuse of asking about sizes or something but didn’t get anyone.  A few minutes later came the call.  In the past I have avoided places where bad things happen.   So a few days later I went back to prove that wouldn’t always BE THE PLACE.  Everything was fine.  Stressful, but fine.

Years of therapy paying off!

until tonight.

As it has been said so many times in so many ways “You have to get through the storm to see the rainbows”, “Things fall apart so that they can fall back together in a better way”, “all will work out as it should be”.  As scared and angry as I am, I still trust that everything is going to be okay.  Maybe not right now, but it will be.

A couple of days with good friends and the wisdom of the ways should do me good right about now and I am eternally grateful for the option.

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