Across the Miles

For a long time holidays have meant traveling to me.   We traveled down the road to celebrate with one set of grandparents. Then we celebrated at home before packing up & traveling south down good ole 95 all the way down to Southern Florida where family waited to celebrate all week right on up until New Years where we packed up & headed back.  The years after I moved out from my parents, it also included traveling back to their place before the typical holiday routes.

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Maybe that is where I learned the bliss of the open road.  The way that the bland pavement with its white dashes & steady yellow streaks, can send you into a kind of trance.  Still aware of the traffic & can safely drive, but when the road is long, straight & not too crowded, you start to think.

Ideas of projects you want to start, reasons for doing things you must do, seeing sides to the stories that you hadn’t been able to see before.  Plans and dreams you learn you want more than you realized.  At times the thoughts are those that seep up that you thought you had dealt with, but only had hidden for later.   For the later ones, a box of tissues & some distracting pod-casts or radio stations help.  Hint: podcast recommended since you KNOW what they will be discussing. Radio has a vicious habit of playing songs you never realized were sentimental until you hear that one lyric that insist you practice your tear wrangling skills!  Even the most innocent of favorites can become torpedoes to the heart when you are grieving or heartbroken.

Today was another drive & stress day.

Tomorrow will be another.  Hoping that after I reach my parents’ place tomorrow, there will be less driving.

I’m stressed out about being there.  I’ve taken my time to live my life and be me.  Always was big for mom. She never wanted me to stop my life in response to her illness. It gets harder & harder to honor those wishes.  I come home, try to forget the pain and the fear.  The helplessness of not knowing how to help.  It gets easier to pretend this is all not really happening when I am not there.  I have time to be weak and feel the emotions without concern that she will see me cry.  Or worse, my Dad will and it will add to his stress.  I can’t begin to fathom what he is dealing with.

I want to be there & be around them both selfishly to try to make things better for me.  To somehow make it all better.  I know this is her decision and she has come to terms with this being the last christmas, but if I could have a miracle….. let’s just say all the wishes I would typically wish would be on the waiting list.

There honestly isn’t a thing I want materially this year.  Luckily a wonderful Santa brought me an incredible phone that I am totally in love with.  It isn’t the latest or greatest or even brand new, but without the advertisements for the “hot” ones, you would never know it wasn’t the best model on the market or greatest thing there was.  It is to me.  It works perfectly, has no scratches or anything to show it isn’t new & has all the storage I need.  Best part – so far it work all the time!  Every time someone calls, I get it.  I can use the social media aps without having to decide which two I could have installed at one time.  I don’t even have to delete pictures and texts.  Out of habit, I have been, but knowing I don’t HAVE to in order to get any future incoming messages is peace of mind that I only dreamed of.  This is one of the most perfect gifts ever since people no longer have to hear me complain, but most of all, I feel safe again.  I feel I can depend on getting messages out if I need to and if someone needs to get me, they can.   This one small computer is so much more.  It is a life line.  Some could say it is a social life line, but I know that when you are in a true emergency without a working phone to reach out for help, giving up completely feels all too easy.

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VERY Thankful to the Secret Santa who make this wish come true when I never thought it would (well til April & another 2 year lock in).

Yes.  I’m addicted.

I’m addicted to having a way to stay in touch.

Be it roads that bring me home when I need it (either home) or the communication to keep us close when those homes are not the same place at the same time.

Hopefully with a working car, working phone and for the moment everyone on board to celebrate together at christmas all will be ok.  At least for a little while.

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The Four Generations of Women together. My great grand mother, Stella, my grams, Frances, (her brother), my mom, Starlette, holding ting baby me at the house in Del Ray

Enjoy every moment you can.  Those peacefully with your thoughts, those distracted in order to get a break from your thoughts, but most of all enjoy those sacred moments you get to be with the ones you love.  They are far too precious and fewer than we imagine.

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