Positively Blank

Staying positive is vital to living life to the fullest.  I absolutely know this.  It is one of those lessons I learned early through my Grams.  She found a way to raise 5 children and maintain her marriage right up until Grandpa was taken away & then she lived louder than life in a laughter all her own.

She overcame adversity and smiled.

Being positive is a choice.  We may not be able to control all that life gives us, but we control how we handle it.  Perspective is everything.  It can mean the difference between fuming because traffic is making a 6 minute trip take 36 or being thankful you weren’t involved in the accident slowing things down.  Reason to enjoy a few more songs while you wait.  I know all this.

Heck I had planned on giving a speech on this.

The public speaking class had four speeches, the 2 solo ones & the group one I made it through & the whole time I listened to others talking about tragedies and going for emotional impact by going for topics that depress.  Even the group project I was in was about a serious, sad issue.  So I was determined to end the class on a light note.  My first two speeches were positive, so why not the last?

Actually my plan was since the final one was a persuasive speech, I would persuade them to look for the positive.  Case in point, in that class we were graded on presentation not topic.  Yet so many chose to focus on things that were less than happy.  Surely it would help my mood and be an easy topic that no one else would be doing.

Alas best laid plans as they say…

Today was the last day of class.  Sort of.  Technically there is one more day, but since I haven’t missed any speeches, and that session will be a make up day, the course for me is over.  The syllabus was adjusted to where instead of planning speeches this week and presenting next week, we were asked to take 3 minutes to come up with the greatest moment of our lives and speak on that for the final grade – impromptu.

Can you say PANIC MODE?  Surprise is not something to be combined with group for someone who deals with anxiety and agoraphobia!

Yet there I was.  Messy hair, barely caffeinated up and without my trusty back up, Klonapin.  ….brilliant….  as much as I wish I could say I nailed it, that is far from the case.  I did however get up in front of the class and manage to speak. On what exactly I spoke on, well I’m just proud I didn’t go into full blown panic attack run from the room mode.

The topic seemed easy enough – “Your greatest moment in your life so far”.  Some spoke of wedding days, the birth of their children, being proposed to, even one spoke of getting into video gaming.  None of those fit my life.  Worse still, I could think of nothing that did.

That day I left my old job proving that I valued myself more than a paycheck? nah.  Being able to graduate high school as crazy a time as that was? nope.  The feeling I had as a college senior sitting in my car looking at a full moon after leaving a really bad relationship? not really the best.  I see a trend here.  Not one I really thought displayed great.  Nothing I could think of really had any heart to it.  Happiness had left the building. Nothing.  I was drawing a blank completely as time ticked down.  Thankfully we were doing the old go around the room thing & I was LAST.

All I could think of was my racing pulse, my spinning head & if I was actually still breathing.  Vision got slightly fuzzy and I was drawing a blank about what the best part of my life was.  At my age, why was it so hard to think of a great moment?  Nothing.  Not a single thing.

So I went cliché.

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Want happy, well I got happy.  Happiest place on earth.  I went Disney World.  Decided that one of the best memories was getting to go to Disney World with my parents & sister & brother in law.  It was our last trip together and by the looks of things will be the final one as the five of us.  Honestly it was extremely happy.  Also was the trip I didn’t think would happen.  Although I had gotten a free ticket for volunteering, funds were tight since I had just switched jobs.  Mom wasn’t doing so great, although she was head over heels better than now at getting around and lasting through the day.  Thinking about it all made me even more sad.  As beautiful as it was, it is a memory that will never be again.

So add being on the verge of weepy to the mix.  Even better for public speaking!

I couldn’t talk about that.  How depressing is it to talk about missing your mommy?  Finally I got inspired by looking at it differently.  How lucky was I to be able to be at Disney World – with thousands of other people.  I went from barely physically making it through 15 minutes in a supermarket to walking in the crowds and being pinned in lines waiting.  Now that was something to be proud of and a great moment in life!

So that is what I tried to talk about.  I think the point came across.  How effectively? no clue.  It is all a blur. I think I accidentally even mentioned that it will never happen again since my mom was sick now… but not sure.  All I knew when I sat down was it was over and I will never be some great politician who gives national convention speeches that move mountains.

Which is perfectly fine by me.  I am perfectly happy being able to sit in the crowd and watch calmly.

Til then I need to make a few moments and be better  at carry the klonapin so it is there when I need it, but then again I survived, even without it.  Much better seeing it that way rather than wallowing in the last speech being the worst speech.  Plus the best news is that I probably won’t ever see half the people in that room again anyway.  So who cares how stupid it was? What matters is it is done.

So now back to finding my bliss.  Maybe I left it in Disney World.

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