Late start to the day this morning. Surprising since lately I have woken around 7:30 am, alarm or no alarm. Even with going to sleep late & taking the ambien – 7:30 am … the crack of dawn to me. Has put me in a festive mood with my zombie like foggy brain and exhaustion. Still feels good to finally BE rested and not just appear to be resting in piece.
Halloween was an odd one this year.
I played the part of the cranky old neighbor who says bah humbug a couple holidays too early, stays home with the lights off and doesn’t pass out candy.
I NEVER wanted to be that guy.
Recently have been missing family & past time when we all were together in South Florida enjoying life in the sun and laughter. Just hasn’t been the same since Grams passed and perhaps part of me is very scared things are going to change even more when my Mom gives up her fight. They already are in a lot of ways, but we are still together and that means the world.
Debated on surprising them with a visit Halloween night. Showing up on their door with a orange plastic pumpkin in hand, knocking & yelling “Trick or Treat”. Few stumbling blocks yesterday & a massive headache changed my mind. Wasn’t sure if I was getting sick & didn’t want to risk bringing them anything. So I quarantined myself, resolved to spend the night being a bum with Baxter watching scary movies & celebrating at home. Sadly I didn’t think to get out and get candy since I was sitting at home for the night! Poor Trick or Treaters ended up leaving with microwave popcorn bags. So far no signs of being egged yet. Honestly as tight as money is, I would have kicked myself had I spent a lot of money on candy for kids that may or may not show up. This neighborhood has changed a lot over the years. A murder in the house next door didn’t do much for making people want to bring kids come knocking.
I tend to celebrate Halloween and Samhain, yet see them differently. Culturally Halloween has always been a blast. The decorations, the costumes, the dreaming of what could be. Samhain is more of the spiritual side of the holiday. Chance to honor and be grateful for all those who have passed on who meant so much to us. I try to do something to honor them and enjoy the time when the veil between the worlds is thin.
Had to wonder what they would think of my life with a visit.
Am I where I wish I was or where they hoped I would be? Probably not. At least I am not in several places where I could be right now.
So as November 1st carries me onward, I resolve to remember where I want to be, who I want to be….and BE. Work harder to reach the goals. I know part of it is learning to endure the patience and keep the dedication. These things take time. Above all find more ways to BE HAPPY. Love life while I can and spend time with the people who make me enjoy life. See the good in the world.