Washed Out

I’m struggling.

Not sure why everything hits all at once, but it certainly seems to have a way of doing it.

Having a cold or something knock me off my feet doesn’t help deal with the crap either.

The phone is crap. Again. Which just makes me freak out even more. Can’t stand being disconnected and unable to reach out the way I want & need to. Just makes me feel even more alone. Still will make calls, but otherwise its completely unreliable. Oh the fun.  Plus its a huge trigger for me.  I was without working phone the days after I was attacked & being unable to reach out for help was a reality I never want to repeat.

I want to be the optimistic hopeful person I know I usually am, but sometimes you just don’t have it inside.

Keep thinking, don’t sweat the small stuff.  Life is what you make it.

I did not make it this.  The marbles can trip an elephant.

They say you get what you give in life. Something I tend to buy into that but week’s like this past one have me believing this is just a way to get us all to try and play nice. Would work if everyone lived by the sentiment.

But they don’t. Life doesn’t.

People daily treat others with respect and try to make the world a better place while life just keeps tossing in grenades.

You might say you only are given what you can handle, but look at the alternative.  You don’t deal, you don’t stick around to be the example.

As kids we are taught to hold on to dreams. If we believe they will come true.

Who does it hurt when they never come true? only us.

People die all around who are kind and who people depend on. While monsters get by with treating others as disposable steps on the staircase to their twisted desires.

If my life was a temple …its crumbling. The columns have nearly all fallen. Feeling crushed in the rumble losing the desire to crawl out much less rebuild.

All those little things add up to a lot of trouble.  Just doesn’t seem worth it.  Lack of alternatives is driving me mad.

Tomorrow comes with a new set of details.  Could get worse, but most likely sooner or later the tides turn and we find ways to deal.

All I can do is hang on.

That and head to the beach.

Watch a few waves and remind myself that there is something more to life than the details.   That even disconnected, I’m part of it all.  Somewhere out there the sky meets the sea.  I can’t see it but I know its there.

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