…no not that annoying commercial with the avocado sandwich. I mean my brain. Sometimes I wish I could share more of it & get it out, but its mine. Tonight it feels like its been smushed up like that avocado.
Early morning yesterday in excitement to get assignments finalized & get to class & get the new replacement phone, back to class, etc etc etc. All while not feeling so great.
Then last night after finishing class and getting back home around 9 pm all while getting the latest update from the homefront…. it all hit me. The conversations on wills, power of attorney, deaths, terms for people dying, all the talk of my mom’s sitatuation and the realizations from writing my own will that there just isn’t a lot to be left behind and not a lot of people to leave it to. All of it just piled on my shoulders weighting me down. When I checked my bank account to see where I was & to triage this month’s payments only to see it was less that I had thought it would have been. Struck me. It COST A LOT to be alive. Even after cutting back so much. Its getting to me again. The stress of the lack of a paycheck. The black mist that lingers reminding me that no you can not buy that shirt, game ticket, etc. that just a few months ago wouldn’t have been an issue. I don’t need the things, but the knowledge that I shouldn’t, just makes me want them more. Like with men sometimes. I recognize that there are relationships that I stayed in a little longer than I should have because I didn’t want to have to admit defeat. Admit that perhaps I can’t make it work.
why it all hit me at once I don’t know & would love to in order to prevent that from happening again. My eyes are looking like I may need to start a new permapuff trend. My heart feels horrible and empty & my body just wants to drape over something like a tossed aside cloak. Next thing I knew it was 4 am. Then 5, 6, 7, and finally around 8 am I felt drowsy. So I slept. For a whole 3.5 hours. UG. Not even woth it.
My brain wouldn’t stop last night. Just couldn’t let go of all the things that I should be doing or should have done or should be planning to do. Overwhelmed by the things that are happening that I can’t stop…. yet not sure how I will ever be able to deal with it. Feel awful. One of those moments you just want to crawl into Chewbacca’s lap, put your head on his shoulder and know that the wookie will make it all right. I will get through.
Sometimes the guys have been there for support, but that isn’t in the cards at the moment. Which makes me sad too.
My emotions are running the gambet of all over. Just have to deal. Find the way that works for me & deal.
But for night, I am going to deal with this chronic insomnia. Ambien on deck and hopefully will be kicking in soon. Sleep & then maybe a bit more of a clear head to think it all through. Or at least be able to put on a good happy mask to visit with family. I have got to get some sleep before I really start cracking up again. This is not going to be like before.