After a tough few days, today has just been the kicker.
Said good-bye to the family again & as soon as I left I wanted to go back. Still I had to rush home to attend the orientation for college. Got into the summer classes, but orientation was still mandatory. I felt completely stupid for being there. Already registered. Already paid. Already familiar with the campus. Already passed my first two classes. What was I doing?
Over estimated traffic & arrived 30 minutes early. It was the same building my classes over summer were in, so I made myself comfortable on a bench & texted with a friend. I watched at groups of people arrived. GROUPS. FAMILIES. Newly graduated from high school I was totally prepared for, but to have the families along excited to support, I was not. Especially after seeing my mom not doing well with her pain and having it all to clear that she isn’t doing as well as we would like. At first I thought of just sneaking out the back entrance and going to my car to cry my way home.
but it was mandatory.
So I popped a klonapin and just sat trying to relax while the mass herd filed in their line to get signed in & receive their packets before shooting off to the auditorium. Maybe this wasn’t for me. What am I thinking? Still I’m two classes into this & fully paid for a full load starting August 20th. I have to.
Once the line went down to just a couple of people I got up & took my place at the back. Anti-social, yup that would be me. Got my planner, catalog, packet & program overview showing what I have & what I need. Pretty much all stuff I have had all along. Made my way as the last student & found myself in the back row in a corner. Ready to get this over with, then everything will be fine.
Classes were fine. I didn’t feel old in them for the most part. Here I felt ancient. Which is insanity. I’m not. But I guess having legal access to anything I want in an ABC store and length enough drinking to where that access no longer excites me is a culture gap with the orientation classmates. There was plenty of discussion on the college prep tract and transferring to 4 year programs. Here I am just starting over – already with a Bachelor’s degree & Professional in Human Resources. Now just going for the 2 year Associate. Again …what am I thinking?
Maybe it was the klonapin kicking in or that the presentation was nearing its end that had me calming down & remembering that this is for me. To do a job that interest me, I will be great at & there is a local need for. This is for me. Suck it up in the long run its worth it.
Then the gauntlet was dropped. Graduation pictures popped up on the screen with happy graduates & their ecstatic families so very proud of them. Discussion turned to how it will all go so fast & soon we will all be walking across the stage to complete our various programs. My heart could probably be heard ripping if anyone had been beside me. Graduation. Why hadn’t I thought of that. Some reason I just thought Community College, Associates, no big deal. For some people it’s a HUGE deal & should be. But for me? no one is going to be there. Just like orientation, I am going to be the one alone. My mom can’t make the trip now. As much as I hope she is still around to hear that I have completed this, I don’t want her to suffer any more than she has too. My sister & brother-in-law work and can’t be expected to take off to drive 3 hours for this.
I got the big graduation deal when I got my bachelors degree. I can’t ask anyone to be there. It was easy at my sister’s graduation, they all live in the area & I happily drove in. Plenty of time off paid at that time. Plus we were all so proud of her going to finally find her niche in the medical field. I’m afraid my event would be more of noticing the ones not there. Wishing they could see me now.
So tonight was worth going to. I realized that the decision has been made – no pomp & circumstance surrounding the end of this program. If it is not specifically required by the school, its not going to be happening. Too much pressure. I’m sure the documents mailed or picked up in the office with carry just as much weight as the ones handed out on that stage.
We broke off into sections and were taught to register & find courses. Done. Done weeks ago. Paid weeks ago. So the nice assistant was both shocked & sweet as she said “your done”. So I left. Who knows how long it lasted but I knew I didn’t care to stay for the section where parents asked questions.
Once I got there read a couple of Facebook statuses that friends both lost pets today. Two of the coolest dogs ever to have lived. One a divinely divaesque Pekinese who made me think of Baxter with her lil tiny barely there nose. The other was a neighbor’s who had moved to the Pacific coast. The little Fraggle was a sweetheart. Nearly blind, but got around just fine. Seemed to always know when there was potential for a head rub. Diabetic, he also amazed me the way he was so great at getting his meds without a hassle at all. Just a funny sweet guy. Both are missed by me & I can’t even grasp at what their people are feeling. After losing pets its always different. Each loss is different, just as each pet is different. Some say they are just animals, but they are family. There is a void when they aren’t around that becomes a black hole when they pass on. I don’t even want to discuss the “rainbow bridge”. Prehaps it helps some, but at this point I have seen it so many times it just becomes like a sticker “I voted”…. except it should say “I tried to care”. Its a death. It hurts differently.
Just a lot to handle.
Which is one reason I refuse anymore.
Dosing myself up & shutting my swollen eyes. Hopefully tomorrow the tears will have all drained out and the puffy will be a thing of the past. I have a lot to do and a couple of big decisions to make. Just hoping I have the stregth to do what I need to without just giving in completely.
Tomorrow. Will be better.
HOMEWORK for anyone who reads this (anytime they read this): Grab the nearest furry, feathered or scaled friend you can and give it more love that it knows how to handle. Treats, play with them, just make them happy to be alive. Let them know they are loved. Sooner than we realize they are gone. Make great memories and treasure their unconditional love and support.
I know Baxter is getting extra snuggles tonight.