depths untold

I should be sleeping.   I should be studying.  I should be doing a lot of things, but at the moment I just need to clear my head.

In some ways I am loving life at the moment.

Aqaurium visit yesterday with one of the sweetest guys I have ever met then I wake to see not only have we been going on these adventures for a month now, but seems he is having just as much fun!

photo by crab

Which isn’t really news.  One thing we share is a gift of being blunt & honest.  Communication may still have a few kinks, but we are able to express ourselves freely & I love that.  Sadly today, he got a taste of some real honesty.  As much as I would have liked it to be a day of fun bliss laughing about the fun we have had this month, and we did, it also became a day of facing a side of me that I wish wasn’t there.

In leaving my job I left my insurance plan.  Finding coverage isn’t always easy & no matter what you always feel like you are being ripped off.  So I didn’t rush to get onboard with a new one.  Since I battle a few things, medicine isn’t really optional for the most part, especially when it comes with some pretty hard withdrawl symptoms if you try to stop.   One of the main medications I am on also doesn’t have a generic counterpart.  See where this is heading?  The reality of the HUGE bill for the refill was not one I wanted to face.  So I pushed it.  I waited till insurance came thru.  While the pharmacist was kind enough to get me a couple in the mean time, a whole bottle it was not.  Then there was a mix up in the number of refills that were on record and confusion in getting in touch with the doctor for approval.  Being the stubborn, I can get through this type, I pushed it.  Pushed it right until my body started to rebel.  A few times this weekend I ended up feeling off.  Fatigued.  Brain fuzzy.  Shakey.  Then today it really it.  The feeling that the world was closing in started to come back.  Being in public physically made me ill after 15 minutes of being in a store… not alone, but supported by a guy I knew had my back.  Still my brain doesn’t process it all.  Of this I am aware.  I don’t completely understand it, but agoraphobia isn’t one of those things that you choose.

So I dealt the only way I knew.  I stayed in the car for the next errand.  My body felt like it wanted to rip every muscle from bone & flip inside out.  Even my eye lids ached.  One moment my body was on fire, the next I wanted a coat to curl up in as I froze.  Mind melting and swirling around.  I tried to think positive.  One the plus side at least my addiction is to a medication that improves my life & is legal.  I can’t imagine anyone dealing with this for a high every now & then.   Any idea I had of going cold turkey is gone.  I know I still need the medication & know that when it is time to let it go, there will be a process to slowly wean myself off.  Still today, I felt like the junkie jonesing for the fix.

Thankfully I didn’t have to wait another day.  I now have the month’s supply & the insurance made it a more managable amount.  Communication between doctor & pharmacy restored and no more waiting for approval.

While in a lot of ways I’m embarrass to have to go through these moments in life, I know I’m not alone.  Just one of many.  We all have things to deal with in life.  Challenges to overcome.  Only two options deal or let it over take you… which to me isn’t an option.  Fight the good fight as best you can.

Grateful to be with someone who cares for me, flaws and all, who is willing to stand by myside.  There are some great guys still out there who are not playing for the other team or taken.  Happily I can say I now am sharing my world with one of them.  After the panic and having to relax in the car, I stopped by my place to shower & just relax a little.  Then just a little while later exhausted, in comfy clothes, wet hair & no make up, I found myself having a slice of pizza across from a man who laughed with me & smiled, same as before.  Some incredible soul who seems to accept me as I am.  While he admits there are things he would like to see me change, these are things that I want to improve apon as well.  Of course, I would like to be able to deal without the meds, but for now its what is working.  I’m just glad to be supported and adored either way.

Hoping that in the future I can spend more time laughing and doing spur of the moment wishes come true fun, like petting sting rays & snapping pictures of lounging cats or finding shells in the surf and less struggling with life.  So far so good.  One of the best things about being with him is he encourages me to live each moment to the fullest & does so as well.  Never know when the bell will ring & the time will be up, so why not savor each second?

I adore this.  Even in the hard moments I know there is a smile waiting & giggles just around the corner.  For this I am beyond grateful.

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