Surreal: having the disorienting, hallucinatory quality of a dream; unreal; fantastic:
Lately life just feels a bit surreal.
A few months ago what seemed normal is now a distant memory. Things that mattered then, seem meanless and insincere. I’m still me, but more so. Less pressured, less stressed, less fear. This rat exited the race & seems to have fallen down a rabbit hole.
I feel like is this post had background music, this song would be it…
Who would have guessed that flipping life upside down would make it all feel more right than ever before. Hard to remember how “natural” it was to hit the alarm, rush to become acceptable, race to arrive, robotically go through the motions expected and when worn down go home to do it all again. Thought it was good and where I should be, but there was a reason for the unhappiness & the drained energy that never seemed to recharge. We give so much of ourselves at times that we completely lose sight of who we are and just agree with the suggestion of who someone or some company expects us to be.
Classes are less structured than I imagined & the passion that ignites in each lesson fuels on through coursework. Opening more questions and desires than closing. So much to learn and experience. Each lesson makes me long for more. Wild how one moment all this wasn’t, then some event happens and others decide the “truth” and it is so. We accept it and move forward. Laws in so many times develop from experience. Experiences that shape the future. All because it is said so. One moment it is this, then the next it is that.
I’m not officially working, save a few odd things here & there as desired like catering, yet I don’t feel as if a safety net has been jerked from under me. I still have savings and even with more time on my hands, I spend less. Want less. Feel more. So strange.
I’m fully aware that the “bad stuff” is still there waiting to strike at any second, but I don’t care. I stare down the demons at bay with indifference. Be what may, I am as is. Suddenly none of it matters. I can’t do a thing to prevent the harm. Choices aren’t mine to make always. Sure they may effect me, but perhaps they are shaping me into someone who can handle what is to come.
What all does it mean anyway? Struggle to get more things. To pay more for extras half the world doesn’t even perceive as necessary. To drown ourselves in MORE. None of it has the least bit of meaning.
What does matter are the intangibles. The memory. The ideas that seeming pop out of nowhere when you stop to actually just listen. The hidden treasures that lie hidden away in the moments we don’t take time for. The details of the petals on the flowers missed from the windows of the passing car. Connecting to a greater reality.
We all cope in different ways. I thought I had a handle on my emotions and fears, but realize a lot was just stuffed away in a box on a shelf. No time to sort through them and deal. Taking the time is a luxury that I am so grateful for. Why do we so often forget that nothing can go so strongly without stopping now and then? The engines burn out. The soul needs rekindled. The body needs to heal and reset.
So I gladly transition to this paralell universe and shed the skin no longer needed.
Perception is everything. To some this stretch of time is indication of failing but its not. It is a blessing that is hard to accept. Stepping off the conveyer belt into the darkness isn’t easy. Jumping from the plane into the sky is pure faith. But as you glide down, slowed by the parachute you take in the moment. You see the world from a whole new angle. The experience passes but you are forever changed for it. For better or for worse.
& no I am in no way high… just feeling strange. (I don’t do that schtuff! Becareful if you do or else you may end up naked, gnawing off a homeless guy’s face – gross! People are bizarre!)