wild wonky weekend

Insanity

How to even describe this weekend’s adventures? Unexpected. Unplanned.  Unnecessary. Undoubtedly so.
What had hoped to be one experience proved to be a test of spontaneity. While I knew the plans of the night would include patience, I had no idea of the extent.
For a few weeks now we had planned a paranormal investigation several hours away at a historical site. Research, figuring out where to stay, finding equipment, what to do with the birds & Baxter, taking time off work, who was riding with whom, learning I needed new tires (& how expensive they are!), repacking, etc. All came down to Saturday night. The closer I came to the site the more evident it became, the night it just wasn’t meant to be.
For reasons that aren’t mine to share, the investigation had to be called off.
Disappointed? Of course. We all are. However what’s meant to be will be. Perhaps it’s just better we didn’t go.
Instead we hung out & just got to spend time away from the normal scenes. Break from the day to day.
Besides, I already received all the evidence needed to solidify my belief in life after life ends in the flesh. Loved ones who stay near and protect me find little ways of reminding me of how much we still are connected.
Instead of flipping out in panic or anger at the change in plans, I chose to just relax. I was lucky enough to have a safe place to stay to rest a few hours before driving back the 7 hour trek. Thankfully I also had people to pass the time with.
Why I was able to maintain a sense of calm and ease I’m not entirely sure. Maybe it was seeing all the other drama around me that helped me recognize that I had two options: be pissed off about uncontrollable factors or just find the silver linings. Being upset would only hurt myself & guarantee the weekend was wasted. The choice was simple.
To my psychiatrist & my meds, I say thank you.
As much as I would like to say it was all smooth sailing, it wasn’t. I had a couple of panic attack attempts while being in a new environment with lots of strangers. I didn’t sleep. Tried to use a klonapin in place of my ambien (that was in my car at the moment) & nearly as soon as it dissolved it hit me that I had been drinking! A beer with dinner & wine afterwards watching TV. Not much but enough to cause me to worry. Couldn’t believe I just did it out of habit. What if I had done that after really drinking?
Dying doesn’t scare me. Dying & being misunderstood or being close to dying but not, scares me. Dying of an accidental overdose on a virtual stranger’s couch is just not the way I want to exit!
So maybe in a lot of ways I’ve come far, but I have plenty to work on. One thing is for sure, I’ve driven down more roads than most do in a week. I’m exhausted.
Even with the slight screw up, I am proud to be where I am.  Proud to keep my cool.  Probably won’t be in every situation, but for now I am celebrating each and every positive thing I can.
…. but for now, bed.  My ambien (completely sober), my bed (not a couch) & my pug snuggled up beside me.   Tomorrow is a whole new adventure waiting to happen. Not even going to try to force it to be anything its not.  Just going to take it as it comes and recognize that not everything is cause for stress.  Few things will be remembered in the long run.
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