Clothing – on & off


That is what I think of packing. bleah.  The laundry swirls around in the washing machine just waiting for its time to be folded and stored in the suitcase.  Tricky part is always guessing what on earth to take?  I barely get through a day without wishing I had worn something else, so packing.. not fun.  Any psychic ability I have is certainly not in the knowing what to wear ahead of time range.

Even with the fear of not knowing what to take, the thrill of the change in locations makes it all worth it.  I ALWAYS forget something.  Never fails.  Its just a part of who I am.  At this point in life, I accept and own it. Just hope that its never something I can’t deal with not having.  Sometimes its small things, wishing I had a certain book, or nail polish after finding I had time,  maybe a pillow to stay comfy.  Other times its less easy to just deal with.  Once it was the toothbrush.  Thankfully someone shared a new one with me.  Another time it was clean underwear.  REALLY thankful that it was a short trip & that I could deal by the flip and then going commando til I got back home.  Always something.  Usually I think of it about half way to where I am going.

Its just me.

Another thing on my mind tonight.  Trying to just let it go, but of course I can’t.  I make no secret that lately I have been taking a new fitness class – pole dancing.  I make no secret that I love it.  I’m not the best, I’m not a pro & I know I don’t have a body anywhere near perfect but I enjoy the workout.  I enjoy doing things I have never done and never thought I could be doing.  Fitness pole dancing is very different from the scenes in movies and TV shows where the chick in the thong (& usually nothing else if its a premium channel) shimmies around the brass rod and occasionally pushes her but up on it or my even take a twirl.  In class sure we strut & toss our hair around bending & rolling our bodies to the beat of the song of the moment, but we also do a LOT of strength training.  We balance our body weight in an arm pit.  We flip upside down & kick out our legs stretching deep.  We use momentum to fling our bodies around in spirals til we reach the wooden floor on our knees.  We get bruises and we get muscles.  Cardio & strength & flexibility training all wrapped up in a fun empowering package.

Honestly I joke a lot about it.  Its fun & the jokes are ALL over the place.  From the stereotypes (I’m busty with long blonde hair) to the puns (You need to show skin for the pole – skin grips brass it actually does help), there are many laughs in the situation.  There isn’t a class that I have been to yet were we don’t giggle.  We look awkward, we feel awkward and missing a turn & slamming ungracefully into the floor instead of gliding down… well its less than sexy.

So when I shared with family & friends what I was doing I was prepared to laugh along with the jokes.  Actually I was prepared to need to defend myself with family & work – neither place have I had to.  Both coworkers and family have surprised me with the support & awareness that this is a workout not professional training for a second career.  Many see what a big step this is in pushing myself and how much being back in a group dance class means to me.

While I completely respect those women & men that work in strip clubs, frankly its not me.  I am too self-unconscious with my body to ever be that brave.  Dancing in a ballet costume for years on stage was terrifying.  Classes were a blast, but the performance part was always the dreaded end of the year chore.  To get butt naked on a stage even in front of just a few jerks, would take more alcohol than would allow me to stay upright.  Course alone with someone I trust, absolutely.  Why not?  Its just my choice in life.  Congrats to those who can be that self confident, but I’m no where near being there and I am completely ok with that.

Yesterday while I was chatting with an ex I was surprised to finally get the reaction I dread to the discussion of the new thrill in my life.  The “Are you now a stripper?” reaction.  REALLY?  How long have you known me?  You really think the agoraphobic girl is going to start stripping out of the blue? Wow.  You think someone knows you.  No clue what sparked the anger or the acquisitions but it was a complete shock.  He was certainly one person I was more afraid would hit me with the “can I come watch” approach than the “what is going on with you?”.  Some how the shock hurts more than the reactions that aren’t shocked at all.

Life you are completely bizarre sometimes.

& I will never claim to understand guys.  EVER.

What I will do, I keep doing what I do to make myself happy, healthy & in hopes that my life will mean something in the end.  Damn the reactions of others.  I know what I am doing & that the intentions are good.  There may be moments where I feel less than happy with my life, but under it all I still respect myself and know where my comfort zones are.  While pushing them is great, shoving myself into extremes isn’t an option in my book. Neither is the negativity of others.  Approval isn’t needed, appreciated when given, but not needed.

Especially when it comes from someone who isn’t always 100% sure that they want to be a part of my life.  I’m single.  I’m free.  I do what I feel is right for me.  Judgment not allowed anymore.

So back I got to the laundry.  The clothes that only come off for those who I choose them to.  Back to packing for the next adventure.

Which is going to be something completely new & I am extremely excited about!


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