laying down to dream

This week was a doozy.  Not entirely sure why, but a lot of emotions and realizations hit me at once. Wish it hadn’t but through everything growth.

One is that I am beyond frustrated with trying to do things with this hand.  As much as I think I learned to adapt & deal with it, there always seem to be these tests to see how much further I still have.  From being discouraged in the pole dancing class at not being able to pull up my full weight with the hand or support it in some of the spins to getting back into the catering habit.  It hurts. Especially the more I use it and push it.  Some is good to keep stretching and strengthening it, some I know I am going too far.  Either way I feel angry to be here and the pain doesn’t do much to squelch the flames of that fire.

I feel stuck in so many ways.  No where near where I wanted to be and feels like I am going backward.  Realizations that people who I thought were friends are more interested in what I can do for them than sharing life along the way as we travel in similar areas.  Letting go of hopes for some relationships to be more than they are.  Wishing I were able to be closer to family and hopes that I would have a family of my own just bring me down.  I’m no closer to finding love than I have been in years.  Just stuck.

Financially still getting by & wondering why things aren’t better by now.  Credit card debt is going down, but I don’t feel secure.  I have several big purchases to make to get back to feeling myself – new reliable phone, laptop so I can connect like I want & be able to work with photos again and its looking like a new tire or a patch to this slow leak.  Toss in being a bridesmaid, trip to a new spot with friends for an investigation soon & possibly more group exercise classes… which are all things I want to do & look forward to, but again take cash flow.  Going to take buckling down more than is fun.  Priorities.  But with the catering season starting up & a bonus on the way, hoping things ease up a little.

Just been in a funk.  Couldn’t shake it.

But even in the downward spiral its all about perspectives.  Is this a downward spiral or possibly one of those twisty water slides? sure its slightly scary & the way up all those stairs isn’t much fun, but sooner or later the thrill starts & the smile covers your face.

Truth is there are great people in my life.  Even if they feel far away sometimes and leave me feeling alone in my fight.  I’m not.  I have family that support me.  Friends who want me to be a part of their lives and who are kind enough to remind me I matter when I need it most.

There are magical moments that I know I alone am blessed to have.  Like watching the full moon rise over the ocean and being surprised by fireworks and phone calls.   Snuggles in the middle of the night may not come from some life partner, but I have a pug who adores me and wants nothing more than to be as much a part of my life as he can.  He worries when I wake in fear.  He snuggles closer and assures me its not real now.

I have a body that is healthy enough to push itself.  Determination to test the abilities and yet respect enough to give it space to heal. Gives me movement and ability to make money assisting to make dream days come true in my little way.  I can carry heavy trays and sure it may be sore then following day, but the job gets done.

There is a strength that arises from the pain.  We all have our moments.  Sometimes we just need to cocoon and embrace the dark in order to get through the tunnel of night to reappear to the joy of light.  How tiring would the day be without night?

 

It could always be worse.

Thankfully for me it isn’t.

 

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