Why I Pop

Recently a new co-worker, who expresses her opinions WAY more than any of us care to hear, ranted on about how the world is over medicated.  She went on to go about how no one should be prescribed any of these drugs and the proof was right there for us all in these deaths like Whitney Houston & Michael Jackson.   She went on & on about how she would never take any drugs & neither will her kids.  Said that are natural options and that there are other things to be done to stop all the problems.  Her opinionated rant even dived into the “Your Body Is A Temple” range… where I excused myself from the room before I found I wouldn’t be holding my tongue.  I had work to do.  I don’t hide my prescription pill use & even take my first round at work at my desk many days.

I don’t think she was directing the statements at me, just think she is insensitive and ignorant.  So what if the body is a temple? Does that mean when the pillars start to crumble, you just let them? I prefer to bring in some tools & fix the problem to keep the temple functional as long as I can.

I admit that I don’t think people should just take the medicine to take it.  Other work has to be done to try to resolve the underlying issues if possible, but if we live in a world where this relief is a reality, why would we suffer?  Sometimes the assistance is needed to allow us to get to where we should be or to breakthrough to where the help can work.

Besides, is the world so clean?  There are chemicals in the air, land & water… but we don’t think our bodies may be chemically imbalanced?

Initially I was extremely hesitant to start any of the medication I am on.  One by one, I have tested, found the right dose and felt the feeling of  finally not dealing with the torments I struggled to fight daily.  Sometimes they didn’t work.  Sometimes they did.

I have gone from nightly night terrors leading to insomnia to actually sleeping regularly.  I am getting energy and the ability to concentrate back.  Do I still push it & wish I wasn’t on the pills? You better believe it.  Last night, after a comforting night around strangers (which is a win in & of itself), I found myself completely exhausted.  My body was beat.  Thought perhaps I could sleep the night through naturally.  Nope.  The old haunting dreams came back in full force.  Waking every 2 hours through the night. Drinking the massive amount of water before bed didn’t help, but the bladder was not the only thing screaming to wake.  So tonight I will take my ambien & be grateful for the relaxation it brings.  The calm, serenity that slows down my thoughts.

Do I realize that being on multiple medications is dangerous? absolutely.  Especially if I choose to drink, which I haven’t lately.  The first few nights I had the sleeping pills in the house, I didn’t want to take them for fear that I would never wake up & no one would find me for weeks.  Then I started to realize, it didn’t matter.  It was a chance I had to take.  Risk to reach the reward. 

So one day, I may never wake up.  At some point I may not get through the night, but for now at least the nights of sleep I do get and the days following are worth it.  Besides if I die before I wake, I’m in some good company.  Add Marilyn to that list.  Sure they may have had much more to offer the world, but in the end they are no longer in pain, terror, stress.. what ever their afflictions.  They have their peace.  Now so do I.

With the assistance of the medication, I have been able to fight off the constraints of the agoraphobia, anxiety and all the symptoms that kept me from being me.  Its a daily choice and a daily struggle.  Do I still have the occasional nightmare or panic attack?  Sure do.  But instead of daily, it is rarely.  The medication doesn’t always work, but it certainly won’t if I don’t take it.  I have been au natural and frankly it sucks.  I don’t get high.  I don’t experience any surreal effects or anything that would be anything worth describing.  Well as long as I take as prescribed, which I do.  There were moments while trying to find the correct doses and combinations, but that isn’t anything I want to repeat.  I take them to empower myself to be where I need to be without the symptoms that held me back.

Risk to reach the reward.

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