Moving Beyond the Fear

Another day back in the saddle of work.  Fought the urge to stay late & knock out a few projects since it was night two of the pole dancing classes!  Part of me couldn’t wait to get back in action.

The other part kept thing – shorts.  shorts in March.  I am not ready for shorts in March.  Reality I am not into wearing shorts right now no matter what the month.  Just not a fan of my legs for now.  Silly I know.  Body issues just creep in like termites & take control sometimes.  I know I am not the same girl who had the dancer’s body years ago.  Even if I wish I did.  Facing that fact in full length mirrors that line the wall isn’t exactly a wish come true. But the reality is the more skin to grip the pole, the better you do.  So shorts it is. Gotta suck it up.

I freely admit that it took a klonapin to get me in that room.  Funny how one moment you can be so confident & secure, but the next you slip into self doubt and comparing your body to others.  We are all so different that never leads to good things.

Still I love that I have come this far.

Back in a dance class.  Pushing myself further & further into the areas that aren’t comfortable – physically & emotionally.  Doesn’t matter what it took to get there, I was there.  I stayed the entire class and worked my ass off.

I have the bruises, scraps & chipped toe nail polish to prove it!

Started to feel the limitations that my injured hand is going to cause.  Scared myself a couple of times thinking I was going to push myself into re-rupturing the tendon in doing pole slides, but I was lucky.  Hoping that through practice I can find ways to adapt and my arms will grow stronger.  I am learning that a lot of time you aren’t just gripping with your hands as you would think, but using your upper arms, thighs and any other body part that works for that maneuver.  So much of it is learning to trust your body.  Taking that trust that you will catch yourself as you fall into the spin.

Yes.  This class is becoming more than just a physical work out for me.

Also discovered a book last night that has my head spinning.  In a great way.  I needed something light, funny & having nothing to do with romance, dating or drama.  A good distraction.  Stumble into the bio section on Amazon & ended up having a book suggested called Agorafabulous!: Dispatches from My Bedroom.  Interest officially peaked.  I read the description and wondered if this insight into another agoraphobic’s life would be a good thing or push me back into old patterns.  The story certainly sounded all too familiar, anxiety issues that progressed into full blown agoraphobia.

I took the risk.  Started reading, fully prepared to laugh but I wasn’t so prepared for how real she describes a few things.  Perhaps I didn’t think that anyone else went through the physical reactions and fear that I did.  There is a certain comfort in reading the pain and torture but with a humorous twist.  If we can’t laugh at the things we do, we will never survive.  I know I try my best to laugh at the various predicaments that I worked myself up into.  The feeling of needing to hide or get out a situation IMMEDIATELY or you knew you just couldn’t trust your body.  Felt strange to read REAL account of agoraphobia instead of just another exaggerated Hollywood adaptation.

Hearing another woman’s story feels empowering.  She clearly made it to the other side and is dealing well.  The fact that she has such a sense of humor & is able to speak out about the experiences is truly inspiring.

I may have found a new heroine!  She is Agoraphantastic! At the very least I know I have found myself into a book that is going to be easy to finish.  Can’t wait to continue on the journey tonight & see how she goes from low point to on top of her game.

Perhaps one day I will share more of my stories from the horror within.  For now I am just going to celebrate how far I have come, keep pushing myself further and hope that all wounds do heal in time.

For now, I need to get something on these scraps & bruises, read a few more pages & get some sleep!


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