Self Saboteur or …..?

Sometimes I feel so lost.

I know where I want to be, but no clue on how to actually get there. So frustrating trying.

Thinking 85, got 86’d.  Admittedly I overreacted to something he said & frankly its a bit early for disagreements.  Especially living hours away.  No chance to get together & chat it out & all that making up fun.  He’s hot, but if we can’t get along this early what are the chances for later on down the road?

Still feeling like a dork for letting stupid shit get to me.

My standard mode when I see things start to look like a relationship.  Blew it.

Keep telling myself that there is something meant for me out there & when the time is right I will find it.  Starting to think I have found it & just passed it right on by.  Thankful for some of those chances left behind but still would be nice to realize a few dreams along the road of life.

Catching up on blogs & one post hit me. 

Comfortable and attractive huh? Certainly not my current state of affairs.  Which is why I spent my lunch break and some time tonight checking out new potentials.  If I can’t have the whole enchilada, I have to keep trying to achieve a few dreams.  Only question is which ones? They seem to be changing.

For instance one of the places would have been a dream beyond anything I could have expected a few years ago, still is in a lot of ways. Checked it out tonight and couldn’t help but notice how close to a couple of bars it was.  Not go have a glass of wine bars, but ones I KNOW get rowdy, especially in the summer.  Priced right, but I can’t help but wonder how safe I would feel or how much of a hassle it would be.  Certainly doesn’t seem like the single gal place.  Roommate? Maybe. But do I want that? and who in the heck would I end up with? Still great location otherwise & great place.

If it was for a year or a summer – no questions asked I would jump on it.  But in thinking long term, I just can’t make the call.  Analysis paralysis? completely.  Just like I do in relationships.

How on earth am I ever going to achieve anything if I keep up the self sabotage?  or am I just becoming someone new? or just too scared to jump into the next phase of life?

Either way I am still pissed.  Pissed that I allow fear into the picture.  Pissed that I let memories of the bad moments terrorize the here and now.

How many days were spend in bliss in relationships?  Were they not worth the work & the pain of the endings?  How many times was I out and about enjoying night life without being attacked? So why assume that every situation is going to end badly? Why do I let my mind wander down these roads?

I have to stop & put it all into perspective.

Otherwise I know life is going to pass me by.

.

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One thought on “Self Saboteur or …..?

  1. There are ways to build that self worth up and get rid of the symptoms.

    Imhelp people with complex PTSD on my blog. Some are healing and taking action as we speak.

    Maybe take a look you may find something helpful.

    Good luck on your journey
    Marty

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