Past few days have felt like I’m on the transatlantic flight of life with a kid with long feisty legs & a nasty cold sitting right behind my coach class stool of a seat.
I know I shouldn’t let life get to me, but I’m human & I do. Since I’m not walking solo on this planet I share my struggles. Thankfully or maybe unfortunately, I know others have similar thoughts & feelings. All I can do is keep trying. Hope that the things I invest myself into are worth the effort.
Spent a little time today with my psychiatrist. Changing a few things up. Still feels like a crutch, but again I’m not alone in my need for assistance. I’m proud that I am in a place in my life where I have help available and resources to devote.
But scared that instead of improvement I now dive deeper into a world that used to be a playground with their side effects and easy access. I still have moments where I think I need one amount but turns out I needed less with certain “as needed” meds, Some might think :ROCK STAR:…. I instead would rather opt for a fetal position somewhere quiet comfy and dark… with a fuzzy blanket. I’m no longer that open to anything girl fiercely determined to find a new life.
Although she certainly has been keeping in touch lately. So many lessons learned from that side of me living free.
Which I know is making this harder. It is harder to see it as something that is ok AS used AS it is intended. So yes I tend to take less as needed a lot of the time; trying to prove I am still strong and able to be me. But then I see the need and the improvements they may when they are used as directed.
I forget. Life changes which requires dose changes. I have to give it a chance.
…………its becoming harder to type this. Ambien has kicked in hard tonight. Maybe the food before slowed it down. ANYWAY.
Be Kind to EVERYONE. (My biggest challenge right now – assume they are being the turds they are acting like due to horrible disasters of life.) Perhaps that blonde who saw you puke in target and surely made the eye roll and the “you GOT to be kidding me” face, well maybe she has a lot going on and frankly not a lot of options. Perhaps she is torn by doing what may be right and torn by a gypsy soul to just let go and build up the immunity to all the loss. Or maybe she just needs a solid night of sleep.
Which became very clear when a guy I only see ever few months, who meets with hundreds of others, greeted me with asking how I was doing & not buying my “I’m Fine” for a second. Said even my smile was force instead of my normal natural one. I tried to play it off, but we talked about how I feel on edge angry, wondering how long you have to grow before you no longer feel the pain of the past or care what other people notice or don’t notice. Why things seem easy to so many, even those who aren’t living dream lives with steady jobs and everything we wish for, they are loved. They have family. Family that could disappear at any moment. so much to talk about about why I’m feeling annoyed, damaged, discarded and yet determined – for what I am still working out. Maybe its just the good cot in the room at the mental hall where Winona Ryder is my roommate. Reality is I would get locked up solo to see if I could sleep better without the distraction. Padded wall optional…..
As the Doc stated very directly “your insomnia is toxic” (which made the Britney Spears version start up in my head!) Just have to get it worked back out.
… no I REALLY have to stop. and right now. In bed. try for sleep for 20 minutes before any interruptions.