so I guess this must be SHOVE

Wish my life was more star gazer lillies and irridescent bubbles floating along a lavender sky.  I really do.

Dreams take work.  I get that. But at what point are they just not even worth the effort? At what point to we let go in hopes for something better?

I’m on edge & can’t even begin to get into all the various situations and details, but its one of those things where the single pebble doesn’t cause more than a brief ripple, but the sum of all the stones sends the water gushing over the top of the glass leaving it heavy & half empty.

frustrated with more than a couple of things in a couple of ways & the worst part is not having a clue if or when any of it will change & more importantly the lingering fact that when they do, they won’t be for the better (at least not the way we would prefer).  acceptance is hard for everyone, but especially for those who cling to the hope that dreams really do come true and all the tales really do end in the happily ever after.

I sincerely hate being one of those negative people who I prefer to keep out of my life, but one of the side effects of letting most stuff slide is that pent up aggression that is released when you do end up bursting.  Yesterday was one of the lava flowing days.  Bystanders be warned.  Save the souls that dare step in the path.

The recently political unease has turned me into the enemy it seems to so many.  The gate keeper to paradise, but the paradise is just a box with a film of the days long gone showing on the screen for most.  A girl can only take being told off so many times.  I try my best to understand & truly wish I could help, but when the lakes are dry the fish don’t bite especially if you are dangling a horse shoe.  It takes opportunity, effort & the right tools.

Still I thought I found a bright spot in the day when I just jumped into buying a couch & loveseat set.  They seemed perfect & just what I would have asked for.  A rare look that seemed designed specifically for me.  Up front I asked if they could be delivered.  Yes.  I offered extra cash for the trouble.  They were mine.  ….til later than evening when I got the email that they had decided to sell them to someone else who could pick them up & hoped I didn’t mind.

REALLY? after I agreed to pay more & was nothing but honest in stating that I wanted them but had no way to move them? After being promised they were mine? REALLY?

{warning to those easily offended & my mom}

~~shit everyone should just skip the rest of this post.  Sorry I’m not the shiny happy person all the time.  Actually no I’m not even sorry. This is me.  I’m 360 degrees.  ….all things & even the ones in between.  I own the good & the bad.


Suddenly the couches turned into every little snub in the day to day.  The loathing of the coming home to the same ole same ole.  The desire to move.  The desire to decorate differently.   The judgements from others.  The expectations unreached.  Punishment for living life alone instead of just spreading my legs and declaring devotion to someone so I wouldn’t be solo.  Punishment for not staying close to family.  Hatred that at my age I still don’t feel like I can be stable completely on my own.  The annoyance of wondering if living check to check and building savings is pointless.  What if there is no tomorrow & we lived like this for no real reason.  No pay off.  No I don’t have a significant other or roommate to help move stuff.  Which typically is fine, but I don’t appreciate the judgement …especially from strangers.  Would I prefer to be in a relationship? sure.  Still I refuse to enter into anything as a lie.  Am I glad that I am getting a table for one instead of slapped up side the head or some STD from someone I am “devoted” to? hells yes.  Do I wish I could move mountains alone? Absolutely.  Do I wish I could use my hand the way I once could? Do I understand why someone who dedicated her whole life to teaching other people’s brats and has a man who adores her madly, has to get a disease that rapes her body with no relief?  Am I furious at the people who smoke daily, yet breathe deep while someone I love can hardly walk a shopping trip on her own?  yes I fucking am. Do I wish life was different or I had made a few choices differently?  At this point in time that isn’t happening.  Do I wish I lived in a place where the idea of new couches to make it comfortable and change the atmosphere and make the memories leave? incredibly so.  Do I feel like nothing is ever going to change or that there is some secret pass code I didn’t quite copy down correctly? sometimes so.  There are only so many times you can swim around the fish bowl before you realize the scenes outside may change & may even be ones that you’d never survive in, but no matter how many times you pass the castle, you’re not sure the point or able to reach any real destination.

So to those who make empty promises and who make assumptions.  To those who assume that every girl shopping should just ask her husband to get that for her or that she should pick up a few of those or those for the kids.  To the bitch moron who can’t seem to handle a situation where a gift card doesn’t work as anything less than a criminal attempt.  To all those guys who feel ok with treating women like nothing but an accessory around a vagina.  To all those entitled angry people without skills but who are vocal about needing to pay bills.  To all those who cut off in traffic or lay on the horn the exact moment the light turns green.  To the bitches who just make life a living hell with your assumption that we all want what you choose.  To the leeches working the system while I work even on those days I wish I were elsewhere.  To those who feel they can pay peanuts for epic work & expect to sell it as a grand prize.  To those who milk unemployment and workers’ comp over details, refusing jobs offered to be lazy and live life for free, while I drained my savings to afford surgeries and treatment for wounds that will never be normal again after a violent random attack.  FUCK YOU.  FUCK YOU for making the world suck.  FUCK YOU for not carrying your weight and realizing we all deserve better and are just doing what we can to get from 8 am to 8 am each day.

But then again.. maybe Ani said it a LOT better than I ever could.
Life isn’t fair.  I’ve know that all along.  Yet sometimes you have to try to play by the rules.  Til you just break and realize no one else is.
& for the record, I am extremely grateful for a job that does value me and what I do as a human being.  I only wish more places treated people the same.  I also wish more people took pride in what they do & how they interact with others.
*** & yes I realize I just blasted off all this negative shit,  but I am so frustrated it has to go somewhere.  As for me, I hear an ambien calling me to a place much better than today.

2 thoughts on “so I guess this must be SHOVE

  1. Many of us are looking in a mirror and seeing some of this same reflection. Thanks for venting, it helped me, did it help you? Yes ambien is a friend.

  2. A little.

    Just wish that there were more ways to make things better or at least more people seemed to try. Struggling to figure out acceptance. Hard to see so much hatred and disrespect that seems to be being paid off. I know that I can’t see all sides & the scales probably all even out, but when it doesn’t seem so it pisses me off. Not sure how to let go of that. Its the things in life we can’t change that frustrate the most.

    Hoping you get some good Sugar snuggles & give him one from me. Thank you for ALWAYS being one of the people who are kind. You deserve nothing but sun shining days full of laughter.

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