Another crazy day. Another sleepless night. Another evening of questioning so many things yet deciding you just may as well be enjoying the ride. Still the shopping is DONE. Actually other than a surprise gift for a co-worker (we said no gifts! ug!), I have been done for a week.
For someone who was basically raised in a mall, I sure do stress on shopping this time of year. Maybe I used to be better at it. Maybe the shopping gods are angry that I have been ignoring them for the most part the last few years. Maybe I am just out of practice. Lately it just feels like a lot of pressure to find the perfect thing at the perfect price & make sure one person isn’t left feeling less than another.
The hints have been dropped, some too late. The gifts have (ALMOST) all been wrapped, but I still feel like I am not doing enough. The truth is the time together being present in the moment is the goal. The smiles. The acknowledgment of our unique personality and who we are is ok. The laughter and jokes shared. The bonds are made in the traditions. The THINGS are just souvenirs that remind us of the adventure and that there are those who care.
Still… there seems to be that challenge of making sure you get just the right thing & no one ends up with some plastic keychain or hard rock cafe shirt from a place they have never been to.
Sick of losing people & loved ones.
Sick of not being in a position where I can just spend money how ever I want. The current job has so much more to it than the paycheck and I adore it, even if at times it makes me want to scream (which just challenges me). BUT the old job had more money… and frankly a LOT more headaches… especially combined with all those life challenges that were happening.
I miss that EXTRA to blow or save each check.
I miss being able to just buy the damned purple ring.
I miss the way things were.
The days when the magic was still in the moments. When I would get so excited to think that in less than a week, Santa would visit. Those final days were you could nearly smell the cinnamon and sugar in the air life was so sweet. The worries were more about if you had asked for the right things more so than who would be around next year to celebrate again. The fear that some how things will never be what you hope.
Its a strange shift when you worry more about what you are giving this time of year more than what you are getting. Honestly I have struggled when asked what I would like to get or need. Normally I could think of a million ideas, but what I want most just can’t be bought.
My biggest wish, dear Santa, is that we all can share a happy, healthy holiday feeling nothing but joy and comfort. Together we can relax feeling loved and that there is nothing more pressing than deciding which new thing to play with and with whom to share the fun.
May we all make a few more treasured memories with those we most want to be with this year.
….and I know I will always wish that I could give more, but in a week it will all be forgotten and we will all live happily ever after.
At least for a little while I hope.