Ah Monday, you prove to be a bitch of the coldest kind.
After a weekend dealing with the stress of life and basically saying good bye to one of the best dogs there ever could be, I get up, get to work & get a text from the latest crush.
Ah.. he must have missed me. He must be wishing me good morning. NOPE.
Basically I got the 2011 version of the infamous post-it.
“I can’t. I’m sorry. Don’t hate me.”
The rest is the typical its not you, its me trite.
The part that kills is the “You can do way better. You’d have discovered that eventually” – huh?
Did you just pull the classic line on me?
The really sad thing is that for a short time I did the standard stupid move we all do – I made the list.
The list of every single potential thing I could have done differently. The list of each and every flaw that he might have suspected or seen. The list of all those things we wish were different about ourselves.
Completely ignoring the statement. It always changes into the “its me”. Certainly if you aren’t the one firing the gun, you must be the one worth killing. Why? The insanity of trying to change what was wrong is right there waiting to engulf our souls.
Did they see that thing I did years ago & regret? Maybe it was a look. Some ugly glance that shows the age or the pain that needs to hid. Maybe it was working to late, or not enough or doing the wrong things. Could I have said something I shouldn’t have? Was he grossed out holding my hand & feeling the damaged finger, stiff in his knowing it will never wear a diamond beautifully as others would. STOP IT. Its all just self ingested grenades.
Funny how in ending a relationship – in any definition of the word – those words seem like the nicest way to just cut ties. No harm done, no hurt. Then again there always seems to be somewhere, if even only to the ego of the person who doesn’t pull the trigger first.
I know I have used the line in various versions. Sometimes that is just the honest truth. Its nothing against the person, but I don’t see us being anything beyond a date or two. Guess its the timing that matters. The earlier the words are said, the more realistic it all is.
After a while you realize they are just candy coating on the pill.
Sure you might need it, but its a thin disguise.
No matter what the problem doesn’t lie in the words, but the interpretations.
If we truly just take them at face value, why should we be upset? The pain lies in the self check and ego that gets shattered, if we let it. If it truly is them, not you, why be sad? Still its so hard to not wonder why.
No one can change what is. Things work or they don’t.
There are only so many ways things can end. Given our choice of poisons, the words may be a bitter pill to swallow but they are by far less painful in the end at times than other things that could occur. Grace rarely is found in an exit, but at times the actors buck up and let the curtain fall, straighten up & walk off stage knowing that the shows run ended & they will never be there again.
You pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Sooner or later you just jump back into play the game. Knowing the house rules are find the flaw & run first.
Til the gray turns back into glitter you do what you can.
Wine, dance party with just the PJs, pug & parrot. Sure there are a few sad songs, but sooner or later you find a song that ignites your soul & charges it to dance a hopeful tune. Remembering the good times. The ones you had never knowing the fool existed. The ones you had with people who saw you flaws and all & still laughed by your side. You remember the moments you survived and see this is nothing to worry too much about. Beat to the punch, but otherwise not beat down.
Life dances on.
In the words of Mandorico…. “it’s only pain when you choose to suffer”
So many shows this song got me hyped up to the point where standing still was no longer an option. Many times over the guys in the band share their spirit with me & proved time & again to be true gentlemen. Despite what some thought they always were friends & never anything more. They proved to be the strong guys to be respected & trusted. Its guys like them that make me remember good things are worth waiting around for. Sooner or later they make their way back into town, we catch up, dance & smile.
So tonight I grieve for what never was. Hope for what might be & dance to the words that have gotten me through so many dark nights.
Oh & the title of this post, its another Mandorico lyric. Yes Jesse & the boys (all the various ones over the years) have a way with words that just moves.
everyday i’m payin’ somethin’ to steal
a look behind the curtain
pretty certain nothin’ good is waitin’ for me
pretty tragic when the love was nothing magic
and you find it’s just a game of wait and see
it’s only pain when you choose to suffer
but then again most don’t even bother
disaster and despair around the corner
when the latter meets the former
well you know that’s where i’m always gonna be
simple people simple pleasures
when we embarked on this endeavor
your mind was as made up as could be
it’s one more story, yeah one more sad account
of untold glory and the truth ya don’t want out
speak, speak in humble phrases
blush, blush when looked upon
bow, bow your head in silence babe
and bite, bite, bite your tongue
i got ample room to amble in this
shack that’s all in shambles
as i’m ramblin’ about free samples that i never got
a bit of a break in the banter
and slanderous enchantments
real-life reenactments of @#$! that never happened
livin’ in the lower levels of lessened moral treble
my heart’s a bit broken, head’s a bit bedeviled
as i sell myself on fables that i’ve lived like such a rebel
without the balls to put my cards up on the table
holdin’ on i know we just might
make it through to the other side
in spite of all the years we tried
ya know it’s just not fair to cry
believing together we’d hold on forever
in spite of this pressure we just might make it out alright