Panic after the Disco

Another long night making memories with old friends & new has wiped me out.  So much for plans for today.  Recovery mode.

Thankfully I got to pick up an ole trusted favorite…

the Coke Icee.  Which combined with a cheeseburger and massive quantities of water and vitamins, tends to make me feel better on mornings like these.

Feeling exhausted, thankful & considering a few things.

Like last night.  Granted I had a few, but I woke this morning wondering how far I had really come.  I’ve gone out several times since the attack & since I’ve finished up therapy (physically. Starting to doubt I ever will stop the mental therapy).  Last night was different.

Had a blast.  Even was slightly surprised when the guy I’ve gone out with a couple of times ended up coming to meet up with us at the club.  Unlike some other guys I have seen, the sight of drag queens and same sex couples enjoying life didn’t faze him.  No “are you sure they will know I’m with you” or other hesitations.  Silly that its even something to think about, but I’ve been amazed at the ones in the past that in theory are ok with my friends but “don’t want to see it”.  Never asking them to watch gay porn, but to be just as ok with my bestie crushing & dancing with a guy no matter if my bestie is a he or she.  Just treat equally.  Not let it be a big deal.  & this guy did that.

He agreed to meet us there & then my phone died.  So he came solo to the club & in the madness had to find me along with a bunch of people he had never met.  Would have stressed me out enough to rethink.  But just when I starting thinking, he wasn’t going to show or be able to find us…. I looked over to see him leaning back on the wall just off the dance floor smiling watching me.  Oops.  Did I mention I don’t feel very confident in my dance skills?  Or that I was dancing with two guys at the time?  (too very gay guys, but still)  And there he was smiling.  I’m sure I had my jaw drop & made a funny face, because he laughed & then after excusing myself of the floor,  then he gave me a hug.  Didn’t want to interrupt me having fun & evidently was enjoying just watching me dance.  Is this guy for real?  Comfortable enough to even let me have fun without being jealous.  hm.

The real kicker was after last call.

Made our way outside into the streets with the crowds.  Standing in the same street where I was attacked nearly 2 years ago, the crowd go loud & the heads all turned in the same direction.  A fight.

As much as I thought I was doing ok with everything, I started to shake and froze in place amazed at the reactions of the people around more so than the actual fight.  The cheering, the laughing and the lack of anyone really doing anything about the bloody battle.  Just thought, that was probably me almost two years ago.

I know that I was lucky in that people did see in my case, it wasn’t just a situation of tempers flaring or boozed up broad starting shit.  The may have looked & cheered, but others stepped in to help.  I also was lucky that last night my date (who doesn’t know the details about where or what happened just knows my hand was injured in an attack & that I had a great surgeon and a rough year) some how he noticed me swirling into a panic attack.  Never has it felt so good to have someone take my hand and ask “Do you want to get away from here?”  I managed to nod my head silently as everyone seemed to blur in to a smear.  Tunnel vision and the noises seemed distant.  A couple of blocks away and I felt more myself again only slightly embarrassed and shaken.

Typically I don’t get the panic when drinking.  Which is one reason I self medicated with booze for years.  Unfortunately self medicating with booze also left me venerable.  Maybe that is why it shook me so hard last night.

Guess I still have work to do.  Like starting with being thankful that I was supported last night and that today I woke safely in my own bed remembering the night.   Grateful for friends who I can feel safe with on the dance floor & the streets.  Grateful for guys who surprise me in positive ways.

Now to snuggle with the pug, get some real sober sleep and hope that tomorrow, I’m not as jumpy or tired.

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