Some days are easier than others.
Mostly sleepless night trying to prove to myself that I don’t need a pill EVERY night to sleep. No rush to get anywhere this weekend or concrete plans I have to do, so why not?
Well because it sucks. Another night of frustrations and nightmares. My body aches and I want to scream. At times I still just want to wake up and find the pieces of my life are back together. Everyone is healthy, my hand is back to normal & I don’t need medication to get through a day out among other human beings. That the house feels like a home again & I am able to do everything I try, even if not perfectly.
Shower to try & wash away the crap of a mood from a body & I am greeted by this…
Which at one point would have just been something to organize the bathroom, but today reminds me of the countless showers trying not to get the bandages, stitches, etc wet as I try to retain some sense of normal hygiene with the rest of my body. Days where I still had hope that there would be a day where I could buy a ring off the shelf to fit the finger.
Maybe that was the mistake of the morning. Spending a few hours snugging Baxter in bed scrolling around Etsy and the rest of the web looking at beautiful things like rings.
Started me wishing again.
Still the reality is I am safe. Things could be much, much worse. I do have use of the hand even if it doesn’t work the same or look the same. There is pain, but its not like the pain it was & often I don’t even feel it. Plus thankfully I do have medication that helps and lets me sleep when I really need to. I am luckier than I can describe in so many ways. Just have to remind myself at times.
Like stepping out of the shower. When I noticed the cluster of necklaces hanging from the shelf.
Reminding me there are other ways to sparkle.