Looking past the ugly

This morning I slept in later than I thought was possible.  Woke to a text of a picture of a guy & a dog relaxing & thinking of me.  Snuggled with the sweetest of dogs who thinks he is a teddy bear.

Then reality hit me slap upside the face.

But enough of that…. I had to get out of the house.  About 5 minutes later it dawned on me that its the weekend where all the freshmen move into the area.  Also known as HIDE! Extra traffic, extra shoppers, and forget going out at night.

Part of me misses the excitement of the start of a new semester and the potentials it all brings.  Clean slates and new faces.  “This is going to be the best year ever!”  Almost made me want to clean my place, move around the furniture and get all glammed up for a crazy night downtown.  But then I realize I have wine & am no longer validating my existence with GPAs and keg stands.  I also don’t need a fake ID to get my own booze…. which is what I decided to do.

Bottle of wine, groceries and a day doing laundry & thinking over where I am in life.  (there is not enough wine….)

But it is fun to dream.

I remember getting the list that came along with the dorm assignment of what to bring & what not to bring.  I remember spending hours dreaming up what to get.  Talking over who was getting what & how we would set it all up with my roommate who happened to be a friend during high school although we attended different high schools.  The excitement of finding the PERFECT thing!  Dreaming of the life that would be.

I was so excited to finally get away from the past.

Which hit me today.  When things start to feel so comfortable yet not working out right, my instinct is to move.  High school it defined making it or not.  Wrong as it may be, I saw those who stayed in the area as so limited.  Afraid to try it on their own.  I felt accomplished to leave it all behind.

Now my life is in another one of those want to run periods.  As much as I love the memories made here, part of me wants out.  Feels like maybe there is a better life, a new life free of all the not so great memories, elsewhere.  Does it mean that if I don’t get away, I fail?  Not so sure I feel that way any more.  Maybe it takes more to make it work where I am. (City wise… I still HATE this house, neighborhood & really want out, but do I want out of this city? maybe not.)

“Anyone can give up. It’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart…that’s true strength.”

So who knows.  Am I giving up & taking the easy route by just staying where I am and not pushing myself? Do I even have it in me anymore?  Certainly not at the moment.

Still… since I am spending the evening solo, with that bottle of wine, why not dream again of what it would be like to be starting over again?

Like this laundry bag…

because there are always loads of laundry to be done.

glow in the dark stars…

very necessary


for the stuff


for the easy mac & those slices of pizza!


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