Today is a huge push into the “what next”?
This weekend I got to thinking about why I gave an ex another shot. Dawned on me that it wasn’t that he was so great. Had he been he wouldn’t have let me go. He would have stayed through the chaos and been supportive. But he has his own life to live & in all honestly it was bad timing on both our parts. So why did I let him stay in my life and why the heck did I put up with the same bull shit again?
Hit me… he knew me before.
Before the attack. Before my ring finger got bent in ways where an engagement ring may never fit. Before everything changed.
I wanted to make things better than before and have one thing that wasn’t taken.
In some part at least. I wanted to think that I wasn’t changed and that since it was good before all the chaos, it might be good again. That the ability to trust that I had then was still alive in me. That maybe it all didn’t go off track. Even though I’ve changed.
While at times retrying things that once made me smile is a great idea, this isn’t exactly blowing bubbles in the summer breeze or allowing myself ice cream. The initial rush quickly gets replaced with the insecurities of being left before. The thoughts of not being good enough. All the self doubt. What changed to make me lose the confidence? not me. So enough. No pretending to be friends. Friends don’t disrespect each other or treat each other like that. Self respect is more important than feeling wanted or the thrill of making some couple work. Nothing will bring back the past or unchange me.
The comfort zone is no longer there.
Time to move on.
As they say “don’t remind me of my past, I no longer live there.”
But am I moving on?
Lately I have just been in a stand still. Not opening up or trying to find new things. Not really open to meeting that many new people and create new friendships. Its easier to stay put than risk moving forward and the chances to be changed again. Being completely honest I barely have done anything lately. I’m saving money and still adjusting to the new paychecks. A lot of friends have moved on in location or lifestyle & its just easy to stay in. Cheaper too. I’m not pushing myself.
Which is dangerous for me. I fought long & hard to get back to where I could be in public without the panic. Even with the medication, there has to be efforts to stay involved. I can not afford to retreat to my solitude. Especially without the support system I had. So this is a test.
Now… how to push myself & not blow the bank? or lose my self respect?