This weekend I realized a few things.
1-There are some really crappy movies made.
2- I need to refill my meds asap… why do I let these things slip up on me?
3- Sometimes when you get a 2nd chance, it is going to end up the same. Maybe it should be one of those things in the past better left in the past things, but I am one stubborn bitch & determined to try to have a better outcome the second go around to prove to myself that I can. Live & learn.
4- The pug has a maximum sleep capacity & in reaching it has the ability to use a very powerful stare to awaken those he would like to cuddle with.
5- I’m able to live on less than $20 in a weekend. Yes I have become extremely cheap & including a bowl of sherbet as a meal can indeed satisfy on a summer day of movie watching.
6- I have completely lost my sense of purpose…. thus the feeling of being stuck. I don’t have a goal that I believe in anymore. I’m full of doubt. Self-sabotage.
The Buddha was dead-on again…
“You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.” - Buddha
Lately I’m just in a funk. Looking for people to piss me off at every chance I can give them. The events of the past are haunting me BECAUSE I let them. Not sure why, but I’m just mad. I’m mad my finger hurts sometimes. I’m mad that its ALWAYS going to be crooked & that the 1st thing I think of when looking at houses is “if the neighbors are crazy & is it safe?”. I let my fear dominate. I hate that. Its like I am determined that its going to happen again. Everything. I’m on contact look out for the other shoe to drop.
I don’t remember a time were I was one of those people who trusted anyone & everyone, but lately I just don’t trust anyone.
In this I know it truly is me, not them. As cliche as that is. I own it.
Still I have to move past that & open up again. Yes people will hurt me, but not everyone will. Even those that do, may not do so intentionally. Why waste my energy on being angry & on guard?
Forgiving others seems to be easy when you can’t place a name and face. I can imagine some forgivable situation that makes it seem ok. Like they didn’t know the pain inflicted. When its someone I know, it seems harder.
Who knows… I just feel consumed lately with the whys & the annoyances of things not going as I would like them to be.
It struck me – the things I thought I would achieved in life as a given, haven’t happened & may not. I always focused on what I want to be or do or go in growing up. Somethings I just assumed would happen along the way.
Building up a decent savings, fall in love, get happily married at some wonderful wedding after a great proposal, have a couple of kids & a place to call home that I can feel comfortable and take pride in.
So yah… cash.. no where near where I wish it was… but I did just take a few months off working & it takes time to rebuild. Once I get used to being on salary again & making a little closer to the wages I left hopefully I can get back on track.
Fall in love? I am so toxic sometimes in this area. I recognize my fear paralyzes me and leads me to constantly question people’s motives. I want to have faith that there will be one who can make me feel safe. Nothing is easy ever but there has to be a connection with communication that leads to a level of comfort. I have trusted before… I will trust again. I am NOT that assuming overly needy girl. I do not need to be constantly in the presence of another… but then again some people just seem to fall off the radar. If you want to be with someone, you will be with them. You are thinking of them, you let them know it. Otherwise they are going to get the hint & just ASSume you are over it and they will move on.
Kids? am I even a kid person? Its like college. Growing up it was not ever considered optional. College was in my plans. Grandparents set up savings accounts to pay for it, parents guided my studies to get the grade & classes to prepare for it…. I just went because I was expected to. Seems having children seems the same. Its just what people do at a point in their lives. But me? Maybe. Still the clock is ticking & the alarm isn’t even feeling like its set much less going off. A mini-me would be fun to see grow up but is it all just novelty or something I really am up for? I feel like I barely have a grasp on my own survival… fending for another? Solo? The family is shrinking year by year, but not sure this is the ideal way to stop that.
Place to call home? I certainly am not there now. Toying with the search. Do I get something to fit my life now? or something to fit the life I want to get into? Settle for the small place for the single professional? Pick out the place I would love to share with family visiting? Who knows…. my ideal may be out there but its hiding itself well. Maybe its just waiting for the timing to be right.
So what is my goal? Die rich? nah. Great family? …good luck with that for the moment I am not cashing in the chips, but I’m also not going to place all my bets on one number either. Only thing you KNOW you can depend on without a doubt to be there is yourself. I just need to reconnect with what I really want.
…..& get more time with the ocean. Seems to open my eyes to reality when I seem to be straying. Clears my head. Again… I need to listen to Buddha…
"What we think, we become." ~ Buddha
That & keep looking for the next place, the next face & save the cash.
Small goals for now.
Like pack a lunch tomorrow, go on a date this week & pick at least 3 places to check out.
& be grateful. Sometimes blessings are hidden in disguise!
Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. ~ Dalai Lama