be what may – but be honest

Sometimes I swear I’m an alien.  Just don’t get people or how they can be so different in words and deeds.  Another weekend spent wishing I could spend money in ways that I just can’t, wishing I could fix things that just seem beyond repair & wishing I could be with people that just are unreachable.

I’m lost.

If this was a fairy tale, this is the part the huntsman would find me collapsed in the forest exhausted from running and trying to find my way out.  Instead I will lay here and hope that at some point the stars inspire me to get up and find my own way.

I refuse to return to former ways of dealing, but sometimes it all just seems pointless.

I want to vomit watching the twitter feed today go from normal banter mixed with a few messages about yesterday’s tragedy in Norway to a wall paper of sorry for Amy Winehouse.  Sure she had a great sound but there are many others who sound amazing too.  Clearly Amy wasn’t handling things well enough to deal with all the stardom… or normal life.  Sad she lost her life? Maybe… but I have a hunch she wouldn’t be.  No more struggles.  No more fighting.  No more searching for real acceptance without strings.

Addiction is not exactly always a choice, but we all have the options.

Maybe no one plans on an overdose or passing in the angst of withdrawal, but they know its an option.  Sometimes the its just not something you care about anymore.  Everything has risks.  Simple acts have risks.

I read this morning a post about Marilyn Monroe dying from an overdose of her sleeping pills.  Will I still pop mind tonight or tomorrow night? absolutely.  Do I do so knowing there is a chance I won’t wake? yup.  But the bitterness of staying awake away from the relief of sleep and dreams is worth the chance.

The real outrage should be in those who lost their lives just trying to live them the best they can.

…..wish we could trade life….

those who struggle to find happiness and just make it through the day donate theirs who fight disease, who get caught up in others pain and anger like in Norway.  It just all seems so unfair.

Maybe I need a nap to clear my head.

Maybe I will wake up in a new place, beside a new face with joy all around.  Or maybe not.  Either way I won’t complain.

(& no I am not intending on following in anyone’s footsteps.  I’m too old to join the legendary 27 club.  Just saying that be what will.  Not by my hand.)

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