Into the Unknown

Lately I have been more at ease than I ever expected to be… especially with so much going on in my life & changing.

Words can no express the amazement this gives me.  A few years ago, I would never have been this ok with the uncertain.  I’m a Virgo.  I have major anxiety issues.  I don’t trust lightly.  I enjoy control of my life and heck… I want to know how to dress for every situation.  Girl tries to be comfy & look good!

Tomorrow after work I have plans.  What? Honestly I don’t know.  All I know is that there will be 6 of us doing something & its a secret to 4 of us.  What to wear? Who knows.  Will we be going someone? maybe.  Will we be eating since its planned from 5:30 to 9:30? dear gawdess we better or the bitchy side will arise!

The old me would have worried myself into an anxiety attack just thinking for a week on all the “what if”s and will I look stupid when I don’t want to do whatever it is or will everyone else be better at whatever.  Now I don’t care.  I’m curious. I truly enjoy all the coworkers going & am trusting that I am confidential enough to laugh off any snafus I might bring about.

Thinking back I remember way too many events that I have missed out on making memories, simply because I let my anxiety get the best of me & make me sick enough to skip the event.  Truth is those good times and the memories are what carry us through the harder times.

Just like how many relationships have I passed on just because I was scared to let go.  Too afraid to open up & be judged.  Missed out on the adventures and experiences just because of fear.  Sure they might not have been the one but they might have been fun for now. Are we friends? Are we more than friends? Are we dating? Are we in a relationship? Are we exclusive? Are we… forget the definitions.  Its the feelings that matter.  So be it.

Why do we strive so much for perfection?

So tomorrow I am going out (or in…. or whatever they have planned) with the girls from work.  Also instead of being too afraid I am going to savor the moments. The plans always seem to fall apart anyway.  Why plan out all the details only to see it all fall by the wayside & realize I should have been enjoying the time I had?

I know the ant & the grasshopper, save for the rainy day, blah blah.. course I should think of tomorrow & be aware of what I want & how to TRY to get it, but I should also enjoy the moments.  They may be all I have.

Plus who knows.  Maybe, just maybe I will start thinking about things differently.  Open up to the possibilities that if I let them, things can be what they are meant to be instead of what I force them to be.

Perfection is over rated & the expectations are for those following the path laid out for them.  I’m blazing my own trail.  So be it what it may.

 

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